the depressed one

it's not a good time to write my monologue.

since I haven't figured out what I want to do with my life.

let's just say i live in a family that "frames" me with lots of rules. i have tons of dreams but instead of telling me what i can do, they keep telling me what i should do. in their own words, "for your good".

i have so many ideas and dreams. during my childhood, i see things very differently from others kids. i wanted to be a news anchor when in kindergarten. i still remember the face when my mom first heard from me. her face is filled with shock and fear. yes, fear, she tells me that it was just an afternoon nap dream( i dreamed about becoming a n news anchor and when i got off from kindergarten i told her immediately with joy) and it doesn't matter that much.

that's the beginning.

they put me to piano class when i was three, tbh i love music, im thankful for them to allow me to play piano, but when i got older, they stop putting me to piano class because they think music doesnt matter that much, school and exams matters way more.

when i was in third grade during elementary school. i took a painting class. i was so good at painting, but i only took 3 or 4 lessons, they stopped it too. i still remember what my mom told me, " you are not good at painting."

gradually I started to feel powerless. I started to think that, maybe no matter how hard I tried, there will be no results cause there will always be denial and "no, no, no".

the hardest thing my mom said to me, to put me in my safety zone, is when i told her " i want to be an actress.", she immediately replies me with something i can never forget, " your appearance is not fit for acting". she tells me that I'm not pretty enough to be an actress. that's like the worst thing I've heard. during middle school, i participated in 4 to 5 English dramas, pride and prejudice, i still remember the name of that play. i played Elisabeth and i enjoyed acting a lot. but that's pretty much it.

when in high school, they just want me to focus on my school work.  study was never my strength, i get confused with numbers and formulas, and I hate to memorize articles. i watch lots of movies and tv series, back in 2011, big bang theory was a major hit. whenever i got the chance, i go to 网吧 to download as many songs into my iPod nano as possible, just to feel alive.

i did put up a fight once. during my second year of high school, it didn't end very well, i ended up in the hospital but, nothing really changes, they still stick to the same idea and path. thats when i started to feel like giving up.

i made it to university, a 211 university, and i didn't even do the college application myself, dad did all the work. cause i know i dont have any right to make requests, i only have one request:im not applying to colleges in Sichuan, please put me somewhere as far as possible. they said yes.

i thought staying away from them as far as possible is a victory, turns out its just a temporary freedom, for about 4 -5 years. i didn't put up a fight, cause deep down i know, no matter how hard i tried, it will always ended up the same, be their good girl seems to be somewhat an easier job to do.

and that is who i am now. the eagerness to change is dying, and i think one day it will die completely.

just like when i ask you "what do you think about consulting." its not really about the job. its about escape.

i want to enroll in a master's, or Ph.D. in psychology. Sichuan uni maybe, it's also a way of escaping, all these years of exploring my growth experience, that's a great example lol.