本文作者Darlene Lancer
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Intimacy requires self-esteem
亲密关系需要自尊
We all have needs for both separateness and individuality as well as for being close and connected. Autonomy requires self-esteem – both necessary in relationships. It’s an ability to stand on your own and trust and motivate yourself. But when you don’t like yourself, you’re in miserable company spending time alone. It takes courage to communicate assertively in an intimate relationship—courage that comes with self-acceptance, which enables you to value and honor your feelings and needs and risk criticism or rejection in voicing them. This also means you feel deserving of love and are comfortable receiving it. You wouldn’t waste your time pursuing someone unavailable or push away someone who loved you and met your needs.
我们都需要分离和个性以及亲密和连接。自治需要自尊-在人际关系里这两个都需要。它是一种坚持依靠自身和相信并激励自己的能力。但是当你不喜欢你自己，你就在痛苦的陪伴中孤独地花时间。在亲密关系中坚定而自信地交流是需要勇气的-勇气来自自我接纳，这使你能够评价和尊荣你的感受和需求以及在表述它们的时候能面对有风险的批评或者拒绝。这也意味着你感受到爱是值得的并且是乐意接受爱的。你不会浪费你的时间去追逐某个你得不到的人或者推开某个爱你并且已满足你需求的人。
SOLUTIONS
解决方案
Healing toxic shame from childhood takes working with a skilled therapist; however, shame can be diminished, self-esteem raised, and attachment style changed by altering the way you interact with yourself and others. In fact, self-esteem is learned, which is why I wrote10 Steps to Self-EsteemandConquering Shame and Codependency.Both books contain lots of self-help exercises. Sharing at 12-Step meetings is also very beneficial. Because assertiveness can be learned and also raises self-esteem, I wroteHow to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits, which guides you in learning those skills.
Couples therapy is an ideal way to achieve greater relationship satisfaction. When one partner refuses to participate, it’s nonetheless helpful if one willing partner does. Research confirms that the improved self-esteem of one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both.[3]Often, when only one person enters therapy, the relationship changes for the better and happiness increases for the couple. If not, the client’s mood improves and he or she is more able to accept the status quo or leave the relationship.
医治源于童年的有毒的羞耻羞愧心需要一个有经验技巧的治疗师来做医治工作；然而羞耻心能被减弱，自尊心提升了，变更你与你自己和其他人打交道的方式，依恋附着类型就会改变。实际上自尊是被获悉的。这就是为何我写了“自尊的10个步骤”和“征服羞耻心和互相依赖”，这两本书都包含了许多自我帮助的练习。分享12步骤会议也同样非常有获益。因为坚定自信是能被学习的，同时也能提升自尊心。我写了“如何表达你的想法-变得坚定自信和设置界限”一书，这本书能指导你学习那些技能。
夫妻疗法是达到更大的关系满意度的理想方式，当一个同伴拒绝参与，一个有意愿参与的同伴还是有用的。研究确认在一个同伴身上得到改善的自尊增加了双方关系的满意度。通常地当只有一个人进入治疗的时候，双方关系会变得更好，夫妻之间的幸福感也提升了。不然的话，客户的情绪改善了，他/她更加能接受现状或者离开这段关系。
©Darlene Lancer 2016
达琳蓝瑟于2016
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