当你孤单的时候你会想起谁

当你孤单的时候你会想起谁

Loneliness is everywhere in the world of psychology these days – the subject of so many studies, articles and talks that you sometimes wish the loneliness researchers would go away, so you could just get some damn time to yourself. Perhaps you knew that loneliness can be lethal: it's linked to heart disease, insomnia and depression, and is a better predictor than obesity of an early death.

如今，心理领域充斥着孤独这一话题。许许多多的研究、文章和讲话都围绕着孤独，有时候，你多么希望这些研究人员都走开，给自己留些时间清静一下。你可能也知道，孤独具有致命的危险：心脏病、失眠和抑郁症均与孤独有关，孤独比肥胖症能更有效地预示寿命的缩短。

当你孤单的时候你会想起谁

But the new spin on loneliness is that we ought to welcome it, in modest doses. “As long as we then do what we should do – reconnect with people – then loneliness is a good thing,” the German psychologist Maike Luhmann said. “This is a sign from our psychological systems that there's something off.” It's a “biological warning system” that evolved over millennia, alerting us to potentially dangerous levels of isolation. True, isolation isn't so dangerous today: a friendless Londoner is less likely to starve, or be eaten, than a friendless prehistoric hunter-gatherer. But there's a reason the pang of loneliness hurts so much.

但是关于孤独的一个新观点是，我们应该适度地接受孤独。“只要我们在感到孤独后采取积极的方式应对，即重新和他人保持联络，那么孤独就是一件好事情。”德国心理学家迈克·卢曼说道。“这是心理机制产生的信号，告诉我们某些地方出现了问题。”这个“生物警告机制”经过几千年演化而形成，旨在告诫我们小心严重程度上的孤立。诚然，孤立在当今社会没有过去那么的危险：同一个孤身一人的史前狩猎采集者相比，一个孤独的伦敦人被饿死或者被野兽吃掉的可能性远远小得多。但毋庸置疑，孤独所带来的痛苦也是刻骨铭心的。

This notion gets greeted with surprise – loneliness, a good thing? – but the surprising thing is that we ever imagined otherwise. Why would we have developed this response to isolation if it didn't serve some purpose? This becomes obvious if you consider physical pain. A throbbing ache in your abdomen isn't pleasant, but it's a “good thing” if it prompts you to head to the doctor's and address whatever's causing it. In programming parlance, pain isn't a bug; it's a feature.

当你孤单的时候你会想起谁

这一观点引来许多质疑——孤独怎么会是一件好事情？但令我纳闷的是，为什么以往我们会认为孤独是一件坏事情。如果孤独没有起任何作用的话，那为什么我们会逐渐形成这种对孤立的反应呢？如果我们考虑一下身体上的疼痛，答案就显而易见了。腹部一阵抽痛自然令人不悦，但这若使你去看医生，明白疼痛的原因并为之采取措施，那么疼痛未尝不是件“好事情”。用编程的语言来说，疼痛不是个故障，而是种功能。

If we tend to resist thinking about emotions in this way – as warning bells – that's probably because it sounds like dispensing blame. Telling lonely people they ought to get out more seems to imply it's their fault they're lonely. Likewise, some forms of depression are a rational response to a bad situation you need to address: maybe it's time to leave a relationship, or confront an inner conflict. But we'd rather not hear that; blaming a “chemical imbalance” seems less daunting. We treat depression as the problem, when it's often better thought of as a symptom.

如果我们通常不以这种思路去看待情绪，不把情绪作为一种警铃，那可能是由于他人的建议听上去像是责备。跟孤独的人说，你们应该多出去走走跟他人交流，这似乎是在暗示，孤独是他们自己的错。同样，一些抑郁症是对糟糕现状的理性回应，提醒你行动起来应对当下的情况：可能是时候结束这段恋情了，或者是时候面对自己内心冲突了。但是我们不希望听到这种解释；把问题归咎于“化学失衡”似乎让人不那么害怕。我们把抑郁症作为问题来看待，却不知将它作为一种症状来看通常会产生更好的结果。

The nasty twist in this is that loneliness, like depression, can turn chronic. A vicious circle begins. You come to see your surroundings as hostile – they're making you feel bad, after all – so you respond to others in unfriendly ways, or avoid contact altogether. This kind of loneliness demands a skilful response: you need to heed the warning bell, while not heeding the thoughts to which it gives rise, telling you to pull away. Reach out, even if it feels unappealing. Once again, the analogy with physical pain is helpful. Surgery's rarely appealing, either, but sometimes it's exactly what you need.

需要担心的是，孤独像抑郁症一样，可能会发展为长期性的，引发恶性循环。你慢慢地觉得，你的周围对你持敌视态度——总之，他们令你不舒服，所以你对他们也不友好，或者干脆就不与他们接触了。这时候就要求你巧妙地应对了：你需要注意到孤独这一警铃，勇敢地走出去，与他人交流接触，而不是听从这警铃诱发的想法——回避逃离。走出去同他人交流，你可能不想这样做，那就再拿身体上的疼痛做个类比吧。当身体不舒服时，你可能也不想去做手术，但有时这恰恰就是你所需要的。