Feedback to breakthrough#1. why

1. Have you ever given or received feedback?

For many, feedback is an uncomfortable task that often gets avoided.

For myself, I look at feedback from both giver and receiver perspective.

• As a feedback giver, I rarely give unsolicited feedback. After learning psychology for years, I am aware, that people cannot change, unless they want to change by themselves. So, save time for both.

• As a feedback receiver, I treat feedback is a gift. Be grateful, no matter the feedback is positive or negative.

It is natural to be defensive about negative feedback. And you need to learn how to identify bias.

Unfortunately, bias can be present in the feedback we receive, sometimes unconscious bias without the giver even realizing it. When receive negative feedback, take a step back and assess.

• Whether the feedback is true?
• What are the evidences to support this claim?

If it is bias, handle it properly. If it is true, thank the giver for bringing this to your attention, and figure out whether this is the priority that you want to improve now.

2. First session – Why the feedback

I have registered to a six-week feedback coaching circle and took my first virtual class this week.

This session was about – “why the feedback”.

In this session, I met my coach Michelle, and five companions from all over the world, including US, Mexico, Australia. We began your journey by discussing and learning the following three topics.

1. Feedback as a universal growth lever
2. The Johari Window
3. What makes feedback effective

Michelle started by introducing herself and setting ground rules.
Then she guided us to set goals and expectations by asking two questions.

1. What inspired you to sign up for this coaching circle? What are you hoping to get out of this coaching circle?
2. What is one impactful piece of feedback that you have received? What made it helpful to you?

This is a good start. When doing psychological counselling or coach, it is key to hold people accountable for their own goals. The important coach technique is to ask probing and inspiring questions to trigger people’s own thinking and commitment.

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My classmates shared that they would like to improve their feedback skills, especially now that the company is transformation to a feedback rich culture and encourage everyone to nurture the growth mindset.

As for me, I signed up for the class because of my believe in science and my curiosity. I did the self-assessment and the system recommended me to take this class. As a digital and data professional, I believe in data and science, and I believe in the system assessment of me and recommendation, hence I signed up for this class.

Another reason why I am interested in this topic is because I always try to be a better mother and be able to provide constructive feedback to my kids that can be well-received by them.

3. Reframe your thinking to be an optimist

Michelle asked me whether I am an optimist?

I am hesitating about the answer. I was not born as an optimist. I started learning psychology from four-years before and I was grateful that I learned about positive psychology and growth mindset. Since then, I have been practicing and training myself to be an optimist.

Yes, optimism can be trained, through practice. It is all about Reframing Your Thinking.

Quoted from Better Up - The Guide to Optimism

• Optimism is about how do you see the world, yourself, your life, and your future. Your answers to these questions tell your outlook on life. They demonstrate how you explain the world to yourself.
• Optimism involves structuring these answers in a way that always gives you hope for a better tomorrow. Keep reading to learn how optimism can maximize your present and your future.

What is optimism?

• More than simply having a positive outlook, optimism is a framework for how you think about achievements and setbacks.
• A supportive and nurturing way of explaining the world and your experiences to yourself.
• A glass half-full mentality.

4. Key concept 1 - Johari window

Michelle then introduced the model - Johari window.

A powerful way to calibrate our mind to the necessity of feedback is to begin looking at a model such as the Johari Window. There are a lot of areas you excel at, and many that you want to improve on. But what about the ones that are in your blind spots? Are there ways you could reach new heights that you might be missing out on?

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In order to improve self-awareness, you need to take an effort to narrow the “blind spot”, which is known to others, while unaware by yourself.

One way to narrow the “blind spot” is to be open minded and receive feedback.

5. Key concept 2 - Curiosity conquers fear

The second key concept Michelle introduced was: Curiosity conquers fear.

This is a quote from James Stephens: Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.

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Psychologists have a lot of theories about why people are so sensitive to hearing about their own imperfections. One is that they associate feedback with the critical comments received in their younger years from parents and teachers.

Michelle used this quote to bring the point that when we provide feedback to others, the receiver may be defensive or uncomfortable. As a giver, instead of provide feedback directly which may sound like an order, we should be curious about the real situation, ask questions, and let the receiver come up with his/her own answer.

This was the second time I hear this quote. The first time I heard about this was during the hypnosis class I took two years before.

I was glad that Michelle raised this point that refreshed my understanding and triggered my other thoughts.

6. Reflection 1 – Socrates - philosophical midwife

It made me think of Socrates, the Greek philosopher from Athens who is credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, and as being the first moral philosopher of the Western ethical tradition of thought.

Socrates often explains that his role is that of a “philosophical midwife”, not to tell people what the truth is, but rather to help them get out the truths that are already inside them, by asking questions.

There are many famous quotes from Socrates about ignorance.

• One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
• I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.
• True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.
• I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.

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These are good reminders to me. When I observe something not seems right to me, before I want to criticize anyone, I pause and remind myself about my own ignorance. I ask myself the question: do I really know the truth? What evidence do I have? Instead of criticism, I ask questions to find out more.

7. Reflection 2 – How to change your fate

This also reminds me of Carl Gustav Jung.

Gustav Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology.

He said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

You can change your fate by making the unconscious conscious.

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How to make the unconscious conscious?

• First step, you need to have this concept in your mind. And you have it now.
• Second step, you can do self-discovery, or seek help from an experience coach.

A coach is an objective third party, with whom you can share your challenges, fears, hopes and goals. He/she will ask question to help you discover yourself, your mindsets, including thoughts, emotions, motivations. He/she may offer important and unexpected insights, or, help you discover these insights by yourself.

Recently, I chosen a myself a coach. I went through the profile of recommended coaches, and found the following self-introduction touched me the most.

I quoted her statement as follows.

I see coaching as a process that supports people to achieve outcomes that are a stretch, or challenge. I believe a Coach can support someone to:

• find their own answers, problem solve creatively, learn and expand their capability;
• reflect on and change their ‘inner game’ (the arena of beliefs, self-talk, feelings) when needed; and
• hold them true to the promises that they make to themselves to just move into action.
  And that this can make all the difference in terms of the outcomes that they create.

8. Reflection 3 – it all about your mindset and your belief

Curiosity conquers fear.

It is easier said than done.

Are you asking the question really because you are curious about the others? Or you already have the perception and bias in your mind, and you just try to ask suggestive questions to guide the other to the pre-answers in your mind?

This is very subtle, and this other people will sense this.

What’s why I am cautious about giving feedback. I will ask myself, this is true? What evidence do I have to support my belief? Do I really care about this people and offer my feedback as a gift? Am I just being unhappy with this guy and try to criticize?

And the key question: Am I really curious and want to explore more about this person?

Carry this mindsets and empathy forward to give the type of feedback that not only improves performance - it builds strong foundations of trust!

9. Reflection 4 - Ask good questions

Question is powerful tool. A coach or psychological counselor ask use questions to help the client discover himself / herself, to bring an unconscious behavior into an unconscious behavior, so that he / she can re-write the life story and change the fate.

Good questions triggers thinking, reflection, and generate fruitful conversation.

A well adopted technique in psychological counseling is Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).

The best leaders don’t engage in monologues; they stimulate conversations. They understand conversations are not competitions to be won, but opportunities to enrich, inspire, challenge, illuminate and learn. So, what makes for great dialogue? Great questions.

Michelle recommended us to watch the Netflix documentary: the Call to Courage, by Brené Brown.

I was grateful to take this coach circle and meet Michelle. She not only taught the theory, but also demonstrated what does it means to be curious and how to be ask questions.

Mostly importantly, she triggered my thoughts and reflections.

10. Takeaway & Re-define feedback

Here’s my takeaway from this first session.

Learned & refreshed Two key concepts:

1. Johari Window
2. Curiosity conquers fear

Four reflections:

1. True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.
2. Making the unconscious conscious, and change your fate
3. Be yourself, be sincere.
4. Ask good questions

Refreshed my understand of feedback.

• Feedback isn’t only about breaking through a wall of resistance or dealing with difficult conversations. It is a powerful tool to build trust and lasting relationships when you adopt a mindset of feedback to fuel growth.

I look forward the 2nd session - Rewiring to receive

1. unearth our inner thoughts, core beliefs and resistances inside of us that may make it difficult to receive feedback as well as give it.
2. Guide us work toward un-blocking these difficulties in order to establish the environments conducive to giving and receiving feedback to encourage growth for all.