评改 | 学生习作 | 欧阳：中小学英语培训实战日记【连载39

2017.3.11   多云转阴

学生年级：初三年级

评改 | 学生习作 | 欧阳：中小学英语培训实战日记【连载39】

1.学生习作

Dear students，

Good morning everyone！There was a national student sports program holding on many schools at the same time. The activity time is from 10 o’clock April 29th. 2016 in Guangdong Province.

One thousand and one hundred million students joined this activity actively. The Ministry of Education encourages us that we should do exercises an hour every day. Then we can work about 50 years healthiely and have a good life.

In my opinion, we Junior 3 students needn’t spent too much time to do exercise . We will have the graduate test after all and we should spent more time in studying.

So we can only spent half an hour to do sports every day. And don’t do too exciting sports, that may hurt yourself.

All in all, we need exercises but not too much time. Thanks.

  本篇习作能够按照题目所给的要点进行写作，表达清楚、布局合理。篇章结构中使用 “In my opinion ”和 “All in all”使短文段落结构清晰。

  同时，在有限的字数内，作者关注语法结构的多样性，选用非谓语分词结构、动名词结构及宾语从句等。这些都为本文增加了亮点。  

 学生在时态使用上错点比较多。个别词汇的拼写和句型的精准度有待进一步的修改。

1.学生习作逐句评改

Dear students，  

Good morning everyone！There was a national student sports program holding on many schools at the same time.

此句采用了非谓语结构是一个非常大的尝试。作为初三年级的同学，能在作文中使用非谓语分词短语结构是非常难得的。

The activity time is中的”is”使用与整篇文章的时态不一致，会使读者混乱。

from 10 o’clock April 29th. 2016 in Guangdong Province. One thousand and one hundred million students joined this activity actively.

”activity actively.” 相同词根在此处并不合适。应作适当修改。

The Ministry of Education encourages us that we should do exercises an hour every day.

本句使用了“encourage sb. that+从句”复合句。此句中由that引导的宾语从句运用的非常恰当。但encourage应用一般过去时。

Then we can work about 50 years healthiely ”healthiely ”拼写错误，正确的拼写应为 healthily and have a good life.

In my opinion,

学生使用了短语：“in my opinion”发起了第二段的话题。词语选择精准，表达清晰。

We Junior 3 students needn’t spent too much time to do exercise .We will have the graduate test after all

“after all” 的使用也比较恰当。起强调作用。

and we should spent more time in studying.

此句使用句型“spend some time  ding sth.”

So we can only spent half an hour to do sports every day.

此处的结构应使用分词结构“spend some time doing sth.”，而不是动词不定式结构。

本文使用了三次spend的复合结构。应适当避免重复使用同一结构。

And don’t do too exciting sports, that may hurt yourself. All in all, “All in all” 这个短语的使用起到了作者要概括总结全文作用。逻辑概念清晰。另外that应改为which.

We need exercises but not too much time. Thanks.

评改 | 学生习作 | 欧阳：中小学英语培训实战日记【连载39】

2. 修改后的习作  

Dear students，    

Good morning everyone！There was a national student sports program holding in many schools at the same time. The activity was held around 10 o’clock April 29th. 2016 in Guangdong Province.

One thousand and one hundred million students joined this activity energetically. The Ministry of Education encouraged us that we should do exercise an hour every day.

Then we could work about 50 years healthily and have a good life. In my opinion, we Junior 3 students needn’t spent too much time doing more exercise . We will have the graduate test after all and we should spent more time in studying.

So we can only have half an hour to do sports every day. And don’t take too exciting sports, which may hurt ourselves. All in all, we need exercise but not too much time. Thanks.

日系星球102号星宝宝，ABC辅导欧阳。相信坚持每一天的积累和滴水穿石的力量！感恩自己每一天的选择！

评改 | 学生习作 | 欧阳：中小学英语培训实战日记【连载39】

北京外国语大学英语专业  英语副教授  省级大学英语教育专业精品课程负责人  具有二十多年的中小学英语学习辅导经验