Depression 抑郁

图片来自海洛因

I found myself losing interest in almost everything

我突然发现自己几乎对所有事情都失去了兴趣

I didn't want to do any of the things I had previously wanted to do

甚至不愿去做那些曾经我很想去做的事情

and I didn't know why

我不知道为什么

The opposite of depression is not happiness，but vitality

抑郁的反面，并非快乐而是活力

Everything there was to do seemed like too much work

所有需要完成的事情都感觉那么麻烦

and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine

看着电话留言上闪烁的红灯

and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friend

我不但不会因为听到朋友们的声音感到兴奋

I would think.”what a lot people that is to have to call back“

我反而会想 “怎么会有这么多人等着我回电话”

or I would decide I should have lunch

有时该吃午饭了

and then I would think，but I'd have to get the food out

我却开始想，我还得把食物拿出来

and put it on plate，and cut it up and chew it and swallow it

放到盘子里，得切，得嚼，得咽

and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross

让我感觉像耶稣受难一样

And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression

人们在讨论抑郁时时常忽略了一点

is that you konw it's ridiculous

那就是你知道这一切都很荒谬

You know that most people manage

你知道大多数人都可以让自己

to listen to their messages and eat lunch、

去听语音留言，去吃午餐

and organize themselves to talk a shower and go the front door

紧接着让自己冲个澡然后出门

and that it's not a big deal

你知道这根本不是什么大不了的事情

and yet you are nonetheless in it's grip

然而你已经被他掌控

and you are unable to fagure out any way around it

并且无法找到任何解决的方式

and thinking less and feeling less

思考得越来越少 感知得越来越少

it was a kind of nullity

好像整个人已经没什么价值了

and then the anxiety set in

紧接着焦虑就来了

it was the feeling you have if you're walking

就好像你走在路上

and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you

滑倒了或者绊倒了地面猛冲向你的感觉

but instead of lasting half a second the way that does

但这种感觉不是半秒钟

it lasted for six months

而是持续6个月

It's a sensation of being afraid all the time

这是一种时时刻刻感到恐惧

but not even knowing what it is that you're afaid of

却不知道自己在惧怕什么的感觉

And it was at that point that I began to think

就在那时我开始想

that it was just too painful to be alive

活着太痛苦了

You don't think in depression that you're put on a gray veil

你没有意识到自己抑郁，但是你已经戴上了一层灰色的面纱

and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood

并且是透过这层坏情绪的薄纱来看待这个世界的

You think that the veil has been taken away，the veil of happiness

你认为是快乐的面纱被摘掉了

and that now you're seeing truly

这样你可以看得更加真实

A lot of the time

许多时候

what they are expressing is not illness，but insight

困扰他们的不是疾病本身，而是对一些事实的偏执

and one comes to think what's really extraordinary

他们会对一些事实超乎常人的在意

Depression is so exhausting

抑郁让人精疲力尽

It takes up so much of your time and energy

它会消耗掉你几乎全部的时间和精力

and silence about it

而对此保持沉默

it really does make the depression worse

只会让抑郁的症状变得更加严重

There are there things people tend to confuse

有三种东西是人们容易混淆的

depression，grief and sadness

抑郁，悲伤，难过

grief is explicit reactive

悲伤是一种明确的反应

if you have a loss and you feel incredibly unhappy

如果你遭遇了不幸并感到极度不快乐

and then，six months later

紧接着六个月以后

you are still  deeply sad，but you're functioning a little better

你还是非常难过，但是生活大致正常了

it's probably grief

这很有可能是悲伤

and it  will probably ultimately resolve itself in some measure

而且他很有可能在最终一定程度的自我恢复

if you experience a catastrophic loss

如果你经历了一次灾难性的打击

and you feel terrible

然后感到非常糟糕

and six months later you can barely function at all

并且六个月之后你依然无法正常生活

then it's probably a depression that was triggered

那么你很有可能就是抑郁了

people think of depression as being just sadness

人们往往以为抑郁只是难过而已

it's much，much too much sadness，much too much grief

只是太多太多的难过，太多的太多的悲伤，起因却微不足道

As set to understand depression

当我开始着手了解抑郁

and to interview people who had experience

并且采访那些有过这样经历的人时

I found that there were people who seemed，on the surface

我发现有些人

to have what sounded like relatively mild depression

好像是比较轻微的抑郁

who were nonetheless utterly disabled by it

却已经因此彻底丧失行为能力了

the opposite of depression is not happiness

抑郁的反面不是快乐

but vitality

而是活力

and that the only reason not to kill oneself

人不自杀的唯一原因

was so as not to hurt other people

是因为不想伤害身边的人

Depression is the flaw in love

抑郁是爱的附属品