As parents, we all learn from our mistakes and successes.
This is what Marty shared:
* Test score is a short term event. Focus on Mental Health and long term happiness.
* Be authentic. For example, Tigger mom, that is who she is and it worked for her. We have to parent the way we truly are, you have to believe in it deep inside.
* Be real with kids. If it is a strategy, it won’t work. You have to have real emotions and ready to take real consequences.
* How to build a good relationship with kids? Talk about things they are interested. Joking around
* Praise your kids, "you are great kids, …" But be specific (you are great kids because you are nice to others, you don't complain, you study hard, etc.) I especially praise their character of being nice and not so much their performance, i.e., test results. I want them to see themselves as being nice and then this become self-fulfilling prophecy. You want to praise what in their control, test result may not be within their control. Praise: criticize: 5:1
Key principals:
Fairness
Moral
Good heart
Focus on Big picture and Long term
Independence. Let older kids decide what they want to study in college, and choose a career they want to be. Try to give them freedom of choice all the way through as much as possible so that they have practice and experience of being independent and making independent decisions and facing the consequences.
When dealing with conflict:
Parent can explain and frame it as a moral issue in larger context -- that waysides see that you view things through a moral perspective and they will start viewing things through a moral perspective.
1) Gadgets. If you say, you can get an X-Box if you get all As, then you are framing issue through a transactional perspective and kids will start thinking that way too
For the X-box, Marty would explain to kids, when there are people who has no food just 100 miles away, is this really something you should get upset about?
Let kids see it themselves. No lecture like "X-box is bad for you…"
2) Chores. When kids don’t want to do chores, or when they made a mass and you have to clean up, Marty will say, "Look, I get up at 6, and I work for 10 hours. Is this fair to me? "
Share your true story and feeling. Kids only see their perspective, parents can help them reframe their issue, see a bigger perspective.
3) Rules and limit
For video game/screen time, you can ask beforehand:
"How long you think you need for game?", kids may say "30 minutes"
If they are not done, ask again, "How long you think you need to finish it?" "7 minutes"
If by 7 minutes, they are not done, ask again, kids might say 2 minutes. Then that is it. After 2 minutes it will be over.
When I set the limit, I mean it from beginning. You have to think clearly whether worth it and also is this important. Then you take the consequence (you might have to fight with your child )
For important things, parent lay down the law, it is not a negotiation. You have to stick to it. This makes it easier for the child.
You can not let kids control you.
4) Punishment
In a classroom, kids were very noisy, the teacher ask them to stop talking, no effect, she asked again and again, still no effect. When she reached her limits, she said"No field trip!" Every one was upset.
Never has just light warning, light warning, and suddenly a big punishment. Be consistent. Better to avoid punishment if possible. Better to give frequent and immediately light consequences then infrequent heavy consequences. Kids will get used to and internalize consistent light consequences(e.g., you need to stop playing the game now, or give me your phone for 15 minutes) but will resent infrequent inconsistent heavy consequences, e.g., taking away xbox for 2 months.
5) Video games
You really need to have strong characters to ban kids totally from video games.
When I grew up, I have no TV, I don’t like it but now I think it is a good thing. In college, I watched lots of TV and only went to classes not interfere with my TV schedule. When I had my first paycheck, I bought a big screen TV.
Parents need to have balance. If absolutely no game, it might bring a lot of resentment. But you do need to have a rule. In our house, it is 1 hour during school day and 2 hours on weekend.
6) When get stuck, always try to find something working.
7) When to discuss? When parents should make decision?
It depends on the nature of the discussion and result. If the back and forth discussion can facilitate each other’s understanding and brings up good result, then it worth the time. I don’t like back/forth negative interaction.
May and Marty’s two younger children are home. Their sharing is very touching. This is their reflection to their parents:
1) Trust. They are papering me for real life instead of taking control of my life. They let us handle things ourself.
2) Respect. They don’t force us to do things we absolutely hate.
3) Positive reinforcement. They never yell. They explain to us.
4) Are your parents too strict? Not strict enough
5) Are they communicate enough? Yes
6) What you like your parents most? Bring me to the video game tournament( For kids, that is a big thing!)
When asked kids what’s their advice to other asian parents about screen time:
Be nice to them
Ask why the kids want to play video game? Excitement, friends hang out, etc…
Acknowledge them about what they want, then sit down and explain to them they need to balance their life.
Give reasons, explains things. "Because I said so" is not a valid reason.
Make sure they need to finish their homework first.
Ask them what they want to do in future
From day 1 teach kids self-control
Observation about Chinese parenting
They have Asian and non-Asian friends. Chinese kids feel frustrated. Their parents put so much pressure on them, but other parents don’t. It brings resenement.
General Advice for Kids:
Focus on what you truly want to be, compare with yourselves.
You don’t need to be good at everything.
You even don’t need to be good now.
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