一、内容简介
本书作者美国心理咨询家Cary Chapman根据自己多年从业家庭咨询的经验写的一本书。在这本书中，作者为我们介绍了五种像配偶表达爱的方式，Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Services, and Physical Touch.
二、我的感触
1. 爱的供养
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.
If all goes well and their emotional needs are met, children develop into responsible adults; but if the emotional need is not met, they may violate acceptable standards, expressing anger toward parents who did not meet their needs, and seeking love in inappropriate places.
When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.
孩子的一些行为都是在寻找爱的反应。他们学习，那是在学习中感受到了快乐和安全感，他们暴饮暴食，那是他们在吃东西的过程感受到了快乐，这也能暂时避免了焦虑。如果，当你们时刻感受到自己被爱时，自己就能以更加理性，更加自然的方式来做事情，而不会是病态的学习，吃饭，做事情。
2. 鼓励的话不应该和赞扬的话分开。
Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage.
3. Request和Demand的区别。
In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt ("If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me") is not the language of love. Coercion by fear ("You will do this or you will be sorry") is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take action. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says,"I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me."
爹味不要太重，因为这样就把人当成了一个物件，而不当人来看待，而我们对待物品的态度就是没有感情的，是随意操控的，当对方感受到我们不能对待。
为什么我在社交中让人觉得害怕，别人好像都在可以原理我，与我保持距离。因为我一直处在凝视他人，外在表现就是没有尊重到他人。
透漏出居高临下的态度，优越感爆棚这让人很不爽。
4. Quality Conversation很有意义。
I repeated my original question, "In what way have you been a fool?""My wife would come home from work and tell me about the problems in her office. I would listen to her and then tell her what I thought she should do. I always gave her advice. I told her she had to confront the problem. 'Problems don't go away. You have to talk with the people involved or your supervisor. You have to deal with problems.' The next day she would come home from work and tell me about the same problems. I would ask her if she did what I had suggested the day before. She would shake her head and say no. So I'd repeat my advice. I told her that was the way to deal with the situation. She would come home the next day and tell me about the same problems. Again I would ask her if she had done what I had suggested. She would shake her head and say no.
"After three or four nights of that, I would get angry. I would tell her not to expect any sympathy from me if she wasn't willing to take the adviceI was giving her. She didn't have to live under that kind of stress and pressure. She could solve the problem if she would simply do what I told her. It hurt me to see her living under such stress because I knew she didn't have to. The next time she'd bring up the problem, I would say, 'I dont want to hear about it. I've told you what you need to do. If you're not going to listen to my advice, I don't want to hear it.'
Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathenc Iistening wtth a view to understanding the other person's thoughts, feelings,and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requestedand never in a condescending manner.
有时候看似闲聊，其实在这一过程中增加了彼此的亲密程度，让家庭更加和谐。
过去，我一直认为，两个人坐在那里闲聊，什么政策，什么军事策略等等纯属是浪费时间，有这时间，还不如干点更实在的事情，后来才发现，这样的闲聊也是有意义的。
5. 婚姻不是结果还是过程。
I felt like he stopped dating me after we got married and simply took me for granted. I felt used and unappreciated.
结婚后就不载约会了，也不再浪漫了，其潜意识就好像是完成了任务，实现了目标一般，此时我们就把对方当成了一件物品来对待了。
婚姻更应该是一个过程，需要双方不断的浇水才能茁壮成长。即使结婚了，也只能说明曾经得到了对方的心，如果不认真对待，总有一天这颗心会慢慢变凉，最终曾经的温情也会消散殆尽。
6. 做任何事情都需要信念。
I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed for the good of humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full emotional love tanks and reach out to accomplish their potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of a day when children can grow up in homes fitted with love and security, where children's developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love they did not receive at home. It is my desire that this brief volume will kindle the flame of love ip your marriage and in the marriages of thousands of eter couptes like you.
三、本书特色
故事性和启发性都很强。
四、我的感触
老美写的书故事性很强，让人读起来不觉得枯燥，反而觉得很有意思。
他们写作风格就像TED演讲那样，能时刻吸引读者的注意。这让我们想到我们的电影，特效很炫酷，但是讲故事能力很差劲，也许我们可以学习学习他们的这种讲故事的风格。
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