宾大教授 Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg 在PCE Club 2015年年会的主题讲座记录
英文记录整理：黄敏
中文翻译：Taili Zhuang，张景山
This is my notes about Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s keynote speech at PCE 2015 Annual Parents Conference
Conference Topic：Authentic Success: Raising Children and Adolescents Who are Prepared to Thrive
Part II Perfectionism is CUTTING OFF THEIR LEGS
Resilience
Resilience is the ability to overcome adversity and capacity to bounce back. It is mindset.
We are all coming from the jungle, we are all animals, we are designed for managing stress, the stress we are designed to have is 'tiger attacking you'.
We only have the hormone for tiger attacking you, we don't have different set of hormone, says "Oh, my god, I am going to take SAT", If you don't know the difference between what can kill you, what cannot kill you, you would never think.
If we raising kids to think any test, any event, any moment would affect entire life, we are turning into tiger.
The mindset of resilience is knowing what real tiger is and what paper tiger is.
Seven Crucial Cs of Resilience:
- Competence
- Confidence
- Connection
- Character
- Contribution
- Coping
- Control
High Expectation:
What does it means holding a child to high expectation? Is that grade, performance, college, trophy?
Holding a child to high expectation is when you know who your child is, and you expect to see it -- their goodness, their beauty, it is not what they produce, it is who they are.
[Paragraph below is from Dr. Ginsburg's book "Building Resilience In Children And Teens"
Youngsters live up or down to their parents' expectations. If parents expect the best of their children, kids tend to live up to those standards. High standards really matter, but let me be crystal clear - by high standards, I am not referring to achievements. I don't mean straight-A report cards or pitching perfect Little League games. I mean being a good human being - considerate, respectful, honest, generous, responsible ... you know, the qualities you hope your children have.]
Perfectionism
Why perfectionism is not a good thing?
- Self-loathing
- Fear of the B+
- Fear of the "D" word
- No "out-of-the-box" thought
- The death of creativity
- Resents constructive feedback
What you want your kids to be high achiever, not perfectionism. High achievers feel blessing of doing what he does. Perfectionism are full of self-loathing, they don't like themselves. Perfectionism are terrified of B+.
When you are afraid of B+, then that is the death of creativity. There is nothing that is innovative and has the potential to change the world that starts with A.
If you make your kids scare of B, if your community makes your kids scare of B, YOU ARE CUTTING OFF THEIR LEGS!!! (Audience applauded)
If your kids are afraid of the "D" (disappointing) word, if your kids afraid of disappointing your parents, there must be some emotional issues.
If you are afraid of your kids fall, they will fail in their adulthood, miserably.
What does unconditional belief means? It means I am not going anywhere, you are not my bumper sticker on my car, you are not producing something for me, I love the person for who you are!
Nobody is good at everything.
How to build high achiever?
If you define success as getting into to the Harvard, then you may be right.
If you define success as who your children will be at 35, what your grandchildren will be, how secure they would be, how happy they would be, how successful they would be, how would be not just professionalism, but also would be innovator, I believe we are speaking the right language and the truth right now.
The suicide rate is rising dramatically, the steepest arise of suicide rate is among Asian girls in colleges. The level of perfectionism in Asia American community seems very high. The issue with perfectionism is that perfectionists can loathe themselves; I don’t want any child to suffer from that.
I went from "being happy to talk to this audience" to "excited and honor to speak to this audience", because the parents in this room can disseminate the message what it means to be successful in this country and that you can save lives.
Go on social media, talk about it, make it so as community, you don't start as first conversation what college your child goes to? what grade your child get? but ask: tell me about your child, is your child finding himself? talk about relationship in your family, if we can make that as our conversation, all children will rise.
Building high achiever:
- Letting kids make mistake
- Praising effort rather than results
- Building spikes - Celebrating Unevenness
(to be continued)
About Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg: Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, is an award winning author and a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Additionally, He serves as the external National Resilience Expert for The Boys and Girls Club of America and works with National Congress of American Indians in its efforts to build resilience in indigenous youths.
His most recent books include, “Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings”, and “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust”, both published by The American Academy of Pediatrics. The theme that ties together his clinical practice, teaching, research and advocacy efforts is that of building on the strengths of teenagers by fostering their internal resilience. He strives to translate the best of what is known from research and practice into practical approaches that parents, professionals and communities can use to build resilience.
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