Love makes my day!

Bedtime. I was trying to put Sisi sleep, Lele talked to me.

L: When I feel sad, I want to kill myself.

Me: No...Why?

L: Because I am sad.

Me: please don’t kill yourself, if you die, I will have no son.

L: You will have another baby.

Me: I m not having another baby, I only have you and your sister. If you are gone, I will be very sad, I won’t eat then I die.

L: I don’t want you die, or I will have no mommy. I love you.

Me: So as me, I love you very much. Why you want to kill yourself? You are my only son.

L: You can have another son.

Me: I can not, I have no husband no boy friend, and I don’t want another son. I want you only. Don’t hurt yourself okay?

He started sobbing. Sisi was out.

Me: Do you want to come to Mommy’s bed and hug me?

He came to my bed and held me tight.

Me: Can I lay down with you on your bed for five minutes?

Of course he said YES.

I was worried after hearing he wanted to kill himself, it was not first time.

I gave him a squeezing hug and kissed him.

Me: Mommy doesn’t like Sisi sometimes, she cries too much, but she needs me just like you. When you were a baby, you cried a lot at night that Mommy s girl friend Untie Mei could not calm you down when I was taking a shower in China. You needed mommy all the time. See, if you are not here, nobody gonna share donuts and ice cream with me, and nobody watches movie with me, nobody shares toys with me, nobody gives me “surprises “, nobody help me to cook and watch Sisi, nobody loves me as you love me. I have to apologize that sometimes I spank your butt when you are bad, I don’t want to. I need you, I love you, please don’t scare me by saying killing yourself, okay?

L: Okay, Mommy, don’t be sad and scared, I was kidding.

Me: Not kidding with that any more please.

L: ok...I love you 100, and I love Daddy 10.

Me:  wow you love me 100, I am so happy! How about Grandma?

L: I love Grandma thousands of 100.

Me:  (I thought 100 is the top score), you love her so much, I am jealous.

L: Mom, I love you thousands of 100 too!

Me: Thank you baby! I love thousands of 100 too! Now get some sleep, don’t dream about bad dogs and bad guys okay? Dream about toys! (He was complaining about dreaming bad dogs biting him or bad guys killed him or I left him before he got up, he doesn’t like those dreams, he likes dreaming about getting toys and visiting China to have hot pot.)

It was a good conversation. I blamed myself that I shouldn’t spank his butt today, he is a little bit out of control but he is a good kid. Spanking hurts his dignity, especially I do that to him.

I feel happy that I have two sweet babies who love me as nobody did or does, my heart is filled with all love they have! I was down to the deepness, I struggled and pulled myself out! It was not easy, tons of tears and hundreds of sleepless nights. Still I lose sleep very bad every other night, 12AM-6AM awake, tried to get insurance so I can see a doctor, but BadgerCare turned me down, and MarketPlace turned out a joke; I am grateful I can work and feed myself and kids now, but I am worried when I can not get enough hours, I have to keep asking adding hours; Planned to visit my family in China, it didn’t work out, while my grandparents are getting older and older. About a month ago my grandpa got a accident, he was walking, hit by a car, God bless his old bones still protected him! Since I can not work extra hours or full time outside for now but I have to prepare for what is coming, I try to work my others part-time jobs on my phone or computer more which obviously take my time away from the kids, but I have no choice. I dreamt being rich one day, it just made myself laugh out one second. Being in a bad situation is not bad when you get some precious at hand, I just need keep focus on my goals and balance work &family.

Love makes my day!