Afraid to Let Go

“Haha, freak!”

“Idiot, can’t you defend yourself or something?”

“Weak! Should’ve not came in my vision!”

“Eww! What are you wearing?! This is sooo 1924!”

“Did that hurt huh? Next time go through the other hall!”

Get up. Hey? What are you doing on the ground? Get up! I can’t. I’m trying though My body is aching from physical pain while my brain is hurting from mental pain. I couldn’t do what my consciousness was telling me to do. I was curled up in a ball lying on the ground. I reached out my hands and used every ounce of my strength to lift myself up.

Steady there. Alright! There you go! I was a bit unsteady on my feet, but that was okay. Considering the fact that I had been lying there and constantly being hit for about one hour. Yep, you could say I’m weak. But that happened to my everyday, I’m constantly covered with bruises that never heal, of course I’m weak!

“Hey I see that loser getting up!”

“What’s with the staggering? You drunk orsomething?”

“I didn’t know nerds drink alcohol!”

“Nah, she probably just learnt how to walk.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I bolted away and ran towards the west staircase. I ran past my science class which I skipped for about ten times in a row now. I doubt that my teacher still remembers that I’m still in his class. I run up three flights of stairs and lock myself into the fifth floor restrooms. I exhaled, safe for now I guess. The others never come up here.

I looked at the mirror, I had a scar on my left eye. That happened when a girl used her super sharp nails to scratch me. I touched it, ouch! Yep, it still hurts, and it never heals.

I took out my phone and the screen lit up. Welp, it’s not broken. The screen is poorly scratched and had a dozen of cracks on it. The case was also scratched badly. I looked at my bruised hand, my phone scanned my face and it opened. I scrolled down my iMessages contact list and saw his name. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I burst out crying.

“Tell me brother, why did you have to die?!” I wailed. “Why did you save me?! I should’ve died instead.”

“Besides, now my step-mother hates me even more! Why did you block her bullet?!”

“Everybody loved you! It should’ve been me who died! Why……Why you out of everyone on earth?! Why…… why did it have to be my brother?”

I’m done……There’s no point in complaining while the truth happened a month ago. He died, I didn’t, so yeah. I couldn’t take this anymore, I needed to talk to him. To talk to someone. Lucky me, I had no friends, unless you count my dead brother. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I felt so alone.

I should’ve died, stupid brother! Why’d you have to protect me! Can you hear me from heaven? Can you save me from this mess? Can you rewind time? Please, at least talk to me? Should……should I……let……go? I’m so confused right now……I can’t think! Please, these thoughts are so loud! Someone help me! Brother……should I come find you?

I looked at my phone, it was already 4:50PM. My step-mom is probably waiting for me at home. I really didn’t want to walk 16KM in my bruises and scratches. The doctor? She’s already gone home! I had already bandaged my cuts the best I can but it’s still bleeding through. I’m not going home in this, curfew or not, it’s not happening.

Instead, I went up to the sixth floor, also known as the balcony.I pull down my hairband and set my hair lose. I felt the cool breeze brushing my hair and the sun drying up my tears. I look down, the people down there are like ants. I take a few steps towards the railing and stretch my arms over it. I close my eyes, for a split second, I felt peaceful and happy. I suddenly feel something vibrating in my jeans.

Oh no……Hell no……Is it already past 5:00?

I check the clock, it’s not curfew time yet. I’m not going to get mad step-mom texts yet. I check the message. It’s from an unknown number. Actually, I already know who is behind that unknown number. It’s them……those bitches. I didn’t need to check that text, they just send me “Why don’t you go die!” Everyday at 4:44PM. At least now I know the time without checking my phone.

But really, why don’t I go die? What am I afraid of? Losing people? Losing friends and family? I only have one family member, and he’s already dead. What have I got to lose? I’m already half dead on earth, why don’t I end this already? Why do I live to experience the pain? Why do I do this to myself? It’s not like I care about life anymore? Why am I so afraid? So afraid……to……let go?

I swing my legs over the railing and let them dangle freely. I’m sitting on the edge of the roof, one push and I’m good-bye world. Why is that one push so hard to do? I check my phone, it’s 4:58PM. Two more minutes until death, until my phone shuts down, until my step-mom comes to find me and beat me up.

Come on……push yourself! Is it that hard? Just push! Two more minutes until you have to be beaten up all over again…… Just let go already! What are you afraid of?! He’s going to meet you after you do this!

I inhale and my knuckles that are holding tightly onto the side of the roof turns white. I exhale, look up at the sky again and smile.

Brother…I’m letting go… I’m coming…… Wait for me… Don’t give up on me now…… I’ll see you at the gate…

I close me eyes, smile, and exhales one more time. Then, using every ounce of energy that is still left in me, I use my hands and push myself off of the roof. I feel the wind rushing quickly through my hair.

I’m coming…… I……Let……Go……Just……To……See……You……Again………