这是“英语周记之「外网影评」系列”第三篇文章的续篇。周记每周更新一篇，旨在为爱学英语，又爱看电影的同道中人提供地道的学习资料。评论区欢迎用英语留言，我会请我的外教老师帮忙点评修改。
上篇文章中引用的的影评，我拿去给外教过目。老师读完后觉得文章结构混乱，诸多句子逻辑关系模糊一片。所以我们就影评做了一番分析和改写。虽然只是一篇娱乐网站的影评，但在专业语言出身的人看来，咋咋地儿不舒服呀。通过这次改写，我也上了一堂生动的写作课。现在跟大家分享下心得。所以这篇文章不谈电影，只谈严肃的写作。
电影<绿皮书（Green Book）>截屏
好吧，阿弥牧我影迷身份暴露无疑啦。说不谈电影，但还是情不自禁给文章配电影图片。因为这篇文章关于写作修改，所以我想起来最近刚看的电影电影<绿皮书（Green Book）>。电影中也刚好有主角Dr. Don Shirley帮助修改Tony Lip写给妻子的家书的情节。看完电影，顿觉文字魅力的无与伦比，超级推荐。
我和老师的聊天记录截图。别纳闷儿为什么是微信沟通，因为我逼着老师安装的。
言归正传，影评原文如下（文章具体出处等请移步上篇文章）：
第一段：I'm giving this movie a 2/10 because undeniably the art and beauty that is the setting of Avatar is outstanding. It's a gorgeous movie but I find it offensive as a movie-goer that we should be expected just to like a movie because the hype and a gorgeous setting.
第二段：This movie severely lacked plot and character development, especially the latter. The main character had some depth but the supporting cast had very little, and I did not feel at all attached to their causes or goals. The movie was far too long to cover as little as it did, there was more to uncover about the characters, their past, and how they interacted with one another but it was shown through quickly progressing scenes, with little dialogue relying on the score and beauty of the setting to speed us through the time of the movie. Months were shown over the matter of minutes, which would be okay if they had some fully formed characters I could believe in, but that was not the case here.
第三段：As mentioned in other reviews, the plot originality is severely lacking, I found myself during nearly the entire movie thinking.."oh this is just like that movie" or "that is just like this movie". That's not to say that similar themes are recycled in many modern movies, but this one wasn't even cobbled together convincingly to be its own story, you can see the loose threads of other movies everywhere, only turned into a Avatar themed world. Clichés abound here.
第四段：This movie is getting way more positive reviews than it deserves probably because of the expert animation/visual effects and the huge hype before hand. It's disappointed to see such a sub-par movie getting such a fabulous reaction from movie-goers, we deserve better. Hype+Stunning Visual Effects does not equal great cinema.
修改稿如下：
第一段：So I went to see the new movie Avatar, which is a science-fiction movie about conflict between humans and aliens. Generally this movie was not very good and I will give my reasons for this below.
第二段：This movie severely lacked plot and character development, especially the latter. The main character had some depth but the supporting cast had very little, and I did not feel at all attached to their causes or goals. The movie was far too long to cover as little as it did. There was more to uncover about the characters, their past, and how they interacted with one another.
第三段：Months were presented in a matter of minutes. This was shown through quickly progressing scenes, with little dialogue, relying on the score and beauty of the setting to speed us through the time of the movie. Undeniably the art and beauty that is the setting of Avatar is outstanding, but I find it offensive as a movie-goer that we should be expected to like a movie just because its gorgeous setting.
第四段：As mentioned in other reviews, the plot’s originality is severely lacking, I found myself during nearly the entire movie thinking.."oh this is just like that movie" or "that is just like this movie". That's not to say that similar themes being recycled in a movie has to be a problem, but this one wasn't even cobbled together convincingly to be its own story. You can see the loose threads of other movies everywhere, only turned into a Avatar themed world. Clichés abound here.
第五段：This movie is getting way more positive reviews than it deserves probably because of the excellent animation/visual effects and the huge hype before hand. It's disappointing to see such a subpar movie getting such a fabulous reaction from movie-goers, we deserve better. Hype+Stunning Visual Effects does not equal great cinema, so I'm giving this movie a 2/10.
因为时间有限，没对原文中的词汇细节表达等进行修改，只是做了句子和段落的结构调整。英语考试的写作部分想得高分，干净规整的段落比你用多少高分词汇要管用得多哦。
我的外教老师也长这么帅，我都怀疑每堂课我是怎么上下来的。
改写过程：
老师看到影评原文第一段的时候，就指出逻辑关系混乱。比如在第一句话中：“I'm giving this movie a 2/10 because undeniably the art and beauty that is the setting of Avatar is outstanding.” 在这句话中，句子开头作者给了电影一个非常低的分数，但because引导的句子所给出的原因却是电影的视觉美工尤为出众。这个逻辑关系站不住脚，所以整个句子被删除，取而代之的是老师改写的introductory paragraph。老师认为无论是发表在任何地方的文章，只要它是文章，开头就要对全文做概括性引入。大家可以参看下修改稿的第一段，就懂我的意思了。
原文第二段中，用下划线标记的句子“The movie was far too long to cover as little as it did, there was more to uncover about the characters, their past, and how they interacted with one another but it was shown through quickly progressing scenes, with little dialogue relying on the score and beauty of the setting to speed us through the time of the movie.”过长。追求复杂长句是很多人写英语作文的一个毛病。无论是大学考四六级，还是留学考雅思托福，都认为结构复杂的长句子是加分点，所以就能写多长就写多长。结果往往是又臭又长，适得其反。在英语中，句点标记一个句子的结束，不是逗点，所以如果连续一逗到底，则会导致句子失去意思重心，读来如一盘散沙。
老师给的建议是一句话的长度最长为两行，包含最多两个逗点。在修改稿中，同样位置的一句话被断写成三句话：“The main character had some depth but the supporting cast had very little, and I did not feel at all attached to their causes or goals. The movie was far too long to cover as little as it did. There was more to uncover about the characters, their past, and how they interacted with one another”。
关于句子重心的问题，老师举例说明：
I can drive a car.
I can drive a car, but I am bad at it.
对比这两句话，第一句的句子重心是“我会开车”，而第二句的重心是“我开车技术很烂”。所以在第二句中用到逗点和转折词“but”。再继续对比下面这句话：
I can drive a car, and I am very good at it.
这句话的第二部分是顺延拓展，所以用逗点和连接词“and”。
如果理解了句子意思重心的话，再看原文影评第二段中的下划线句子，就会很容易发现句子的问题。整个句子意思重心太多，读者理解起来觉得很累。设想一下，如果你的作文中有这样又臭又长的句子，是不是阅卷老师也会读得晕头转向呢？是不是你的高分就无望了呢？所以再强调一遍：以句点结尾被视为一个完整的句子，不是逗点，不是逗点，不是逗点！
在英语考试的写作中还需要格外注意的是段落层次。段落主旨要清晰。各个段落的字数要大致相似。中间段落的字数可以略超过首位段落。影评原文中第二段由于长句子影响，整体的字数就想对较多。改写后的文章段落字数更匀称。
将原文第三段画线句和修改稿第四段画线句做对比，可以看到两个更改。非常容易看出的是黑体处的断句处理：
原文：That's not to say that similar themes are recycled in many modern movies, but this one wasn't even cobbled together convincingly to be its own story, you can see the loose threads of other movies everywhere, only turned into a Avatar themed world.
修改：That's not to say that similar themes are recycled in many modern movies, but this one wasn't even cobbled together convincingly to be its own story. You can see the loose threads of other movies everywhere, only turned into a Avatar themed world.
其他的地方全部没有修改，只是将逗点连接的一个句子，断成了两个独立的句子。英语考试写作中，一定一定不要小看这个句点，也一定一定不要养成一逗到底的毛病。
另一个更改就是病句。老师将“That's not to say that similar themes are recycled in many modern movies”改成了“That's not to say that similar themes being recycled in a movie has to be a problem”。这处修改就是将原本意思不完整的长句子补充完整了。所以写长句子，一定要有一定的语法功底，否则很容易写出意思不完整的句子。
当然，影评本来也不是严肃的学术论文，文体松散宽松些也无可厚非。之所以写这篇文章，是因为通过这样的改写来对比，区别是非常明显的。而我的外教老师也从专业的角度强调了这些写作要点的重要性。好啦，要考雅思托福的同学们，一定注意这些考试写作的坑。咱是老老实实的考生，写作要工工整整。咱还不是三毛张爱玲，暂且不需要意识流文体哦。
经典高中校园爱情片<初恋的回忆（A walk to rememeber）>截屏
结尾再总结一下英语考试写作的要点：
• 文章的开头结尾要简明扼要，起概括作用。
• 文章的段落要匀称分布，不建议出现字数明显过多的长段落。
• 句点标志一个句子的结束，每个句子都要有它的意思重心。
• 考试写作要慎重使用复杂长句。最长的句子建议不要超过两行字，逗点最多两个。
• 长句子的逻辑关系要清晰，语法结构和内容都要完整。
跟地道人聊天，学地道英语。
有英美人士的聊天群，欢迎你的加入。
网友评论