“You shouldn’t have paid for these,” Deb says. “I have a job, dude. You don’t need to jump in and save me anymore.”
“你不该为这些付钱的，”黛博说，“我有工作，兄弟。你不用再’英雄救美’的。”
I blush. “I know, it wasn’t that. But I left you alone in that cassette pop-up, so defenseless you had to pretend you were one of us to fit in. The horrors you must have overcome. This is the least I can do.”
我脸红了，“并不是为了别的。而是我把你一个人留在了那个盒式磁带快闪店里，你毫无防备地必须假装内行。你为我克服了内心的恐惧。而这是我最少能为你做的。”
What I don’t say is, I know she’s saving every penny from her job. Deb works harder than anyone I know. If I could fix her home life, I would. But until we can flee our respective coops, all I can do is pay for her sugar high.
我还有没说出口的，我知道她把工作挣的每分钱都存了起来。黛博比我认识的所有人都工作更努力些。如果我能拯救她的生活，我早就那么做了。而我仅能做的只是直到我们能逃离各自的牢笼前，为她的短暂快乐买单。
“One World Trade. We’re approaching tourist central,” I say. “I’ll take a few pics for my Flash story, then we’ve got to get a train.”
“世贸一号，我们正在接近旅游中心地带了，”我说，“我要为我的Flash新闻更新几张照片，然后我们就必须得上列车了。”
The sun’s nowhere to be seen, but a series of low clouds pass by, getting split in two by the shining tower. It’s a perfect New York afternoon, but I feel the tug in my chest that reminds me what’s waiting for me at home. As we hop on a train and make half smiles at each other, I can tell we’re thinking the same thing. There’s a pretty high chance that one or both of our nights are about to be ruined by our parents.
太阳已彻底看不见了，却有一道云彩压低路过，正慢慢被闪亮的高楼一分为二。真是个完美的纽约下午，但我胸口的阻塞之感提醒着我那些家里等着我的事儿。我们快步踏上了列车，并勉强对彼此笑着，我都知道我们在想同样的事。即很大几率我们中至少有一个的美好夜晚要被父母给毁掉。
We make it back to Brooklyn in record time. Anxiety grips my chest as I take the stairs up our stoop, and I know Deb usually feels the same. To be quite honest, I would have been fine spending a few more minutes delaying the inevitable awkward conversations and heated fights that wait for me at home. Not like the arguments are ever directed at me, but they’re still all around me. Lingering.
Wearing our family down.
我们到布鲁克林花的时间是有史以来最短。在我拾阶而上至门廊时，我感到焦虑抓挠着胸口，且我知道黛博也是同感。老实说，多耽搁些时间以推迟家里等待着我的不可避免的尴尬对话和激烈争吵会于我更好。当然也不是所有争吵都矛头直指我，但却还是都与我相关。围绕着我。
使得家不成家。
I part ways with Deb at the third floor of our apartment building, and a tightness balls up in my shoulders—clenching, constricting—when I launch up the stairs to my apartment, taking them two at a time. Before I even reach my door with the shiny 11 on it, I hear the shouts.
It wasn’t always like this.
在公寓大楼三层处我和黛博分别了，然后一股紧迫感肿滞在我的两肩——紧绷着，收缩着——我带着它们俩一步步走在通向我公寓的阶梯上。我还没走近我们家那反射着光的11牌号门口，就听到了争吵叫喊声。
倒也不总像这样。
I put the key in the lock, and with a heavy sigh, I turn it.
A frown falls over my face almost instantly. I slam the door to make my presence known, but it doesn’t fix things, it doesn’t stop them. I want my being home to mean something. I want … I don’t know what I want—to not feel helpless when they’re like this. I try to escape into my phone, but my notifications are once again flooded with questions about … the astronauts.
我把钥匙放进锁孔，重重地叹了口气，转了开来。
几乎同一瞬间我的脸就皱上了眉。我猛地关门以强调我的存在，但却毫无作用，这没能使他们停下争吵。我想让我的到家能意味着什么。我想…我都不知道我想要什么了——我想当他们再这样时我能不再感到无助。我尝试逃进手机的世界，但我的通知栏再次被粉丝提问充斥着…关于宇航员的。
I sigh as I scroll through.
kindil0o (Chelsea Kim): Hi, big fan. Um, is it just me or have you stopped profiling the astronauts? I used to love your streams, and I still do, but I’d like to see more of your old stuff. Are we getting to Mars or not? You only spent like 30 secs on the new astronaut search??
我叹着气翻阅这些留言。
kindil0o (Chelsea Kim): 你好，我是你的忠实粉丝。嗯，是我多心了还是你已经停止分析宇航员事件了？我曾经很喜欢你的系列视频，现在依旧喜欢，但我更希望看到你更多的旧系列更新。我们能登上火星吗？你只花了差不多三十秒讲述寻找宇航员的事？？
I mute the notification. Of course my followers would notice how short my NASA segments are, how my eyes dart away from the camera when I mention the search for the newest astronauts.
我选择忽视这些留言通知。我的粉丝们当然会注意到我的NASA部分新闻是多么短小，而当我提及最新宇航员寻找任务时我的眼神又是怎样在镜头前飘忽。
Everyone wants to know why, and I’m staring at the reason: my dad just flew back from Houston from his final round of interviews with NASA.
If he has it his way, I’ll never escape this mission.
每个人都想知道为什么，而我现在正盯着这原因：我父亲才刚刚从休斯敦回来结束了他的NASA最后一轮面试。
如果他得偿所愿了，那我也不会再逃避我的任务。
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