Nothing is so common place as to wish to be remarkable
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
This is one thing and the only thing that I always believe to be true, it caught me instantly when I first saw it from one episode in Criminal Minds. I assume this quote actually summarises my life so far as well to be a good and warm ending for the funeral after decades. At some point during my life or I should say during everybody's life, that individual would find him/herself being closeted, I'm not saying being closeted as being closeted that way, but none could say that "I never feel difficult to come out from my own comfort zone". That's for sure I guess, as well there is nothing as such "I don't want to do something big". Quote from Wendell, this should be something we call "WISH", it's not common that one kid wouldn't hold a dream, while majority of the people just grow up to be ordinary.
And that ordinary might be something that I'm pursuing that sort of I found it's a harsh society, a cruel living environment that I desperately need a shelter could protect me from being harmed. I wonder if there is a place that I could hide with no judgement just live as who I really am, I wonder if I walk as everyone else walking through the little lane while actually none would give a glance at me at all, I wonder if I would be like an "ordinary" individual that I don't need to push the efforts so hard to appeal to parents, friends, colleagues, everyone around me basically.
But, the answer is "NO". There is no such thing as a real freedom I could just run away from the reality and live in the fantasy coz' all these difficulties might be the only mark saying I am alive. It was pretty touching when I read the lines from Jude Law in the film Artificial Intelligence starred by Haley Joel Osment, "I am, I was". In some ways, I guess I am exactly the same, just like the little boy who wants to be "ordinary", who wish to be a real boy rather than a robot. And sometimes, this simple wish would never come true. Pinocchio lives in the fairy tales, I am not, and I can not. There is a period of time might during our childhood that most people would want to believe someone in the world would save us from everything and take us to a completely different world. Suppose this well explained why Harry Potter is so popular, we all wish we could do something big but once we kind of realize this is not gonna happen the dream becomes creating another world, whilst in that dream we could be everyone, someone, the one, that deep in the heart who we really are.
It's not someone's fault, it's even not the society's fault, it's just, the world sucks, and I suck. There are loads and loads of things I cannot squander, love from parents, love from friends, these are not like some stuff I could buy off it's priceless, the kindness, warmness, love, are not taken from granted but offered from heart deeply. As well, these are responsibilities, heaviness I'm carrying all the way till the end.
Consternation happens all the time, fear of losing the treasure I cherish, anxiety of being aparted from someone I love. And this is when the collision occurs, on the one hand I'm trying to be brave, to be plucky to step out from my comfort zone or the accepted zone created by all around me, on the other hand, it's not appropriate for me to be rackless just ignore people who care for me. It's somehow exhausting to cope with such conflicts within myself. Even I wonder so much if I would have done something wrong or made some unforgivable mistakes or deadly sins, I can't find a torch or a little lighted match to lead me to the right way of making up to other people.
Das Vernuefitge ist wirklich, und das Wirkliche ist vernueftig
That was a cloudy afternoon, and I was cycling when I saw my physics teacher from secondary school. She once told us that "存在即合理". Well, it's not really hard for a 13, 14-year-old kid to understand that but while growing up it's easy to see the flaws in this simple translation. As I am being mature enough or I think I'm no longer a childish person, this reveals itself especially the second part of this quote, "whatever is true is reasonable". Instead of saying we are approaching that so defined "the absolute", I guess I interpret this quote from Hegel as whatever we see, whatever we hear, whatever we actually feel, it all vanishes afterwards.
Changes are always interwaved with judgement, harm, fear, bad things, but I reckon none should ever lose the ability to try to believe and hold this confidence, dream a dream, and that kind of courage would be breed generations after generations.
"I am, I was", my fight towards that conflicts or me being a soldier a warrior to endure the reality is marked and will be remained, conserved. And I'm not losing this belief for sure.
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