尿片成长记

diaper

这阵子忙得上蹿下跳（带着孩子搬家，我已经累得狗都不如），几乎自动屏蔽了外界一切，包括热闹了好一阵子的美国大选。

期间老公与我共享了一句名人名言，来自马克吐温：

Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason.

于是就有了这个尿片成长记。

屁股比脸蛋要紧

在这个似乎脸蛋越来越要紧的世界，甫一来到人世的小鱼儿马上用自己的小屁屁进行反抗。

在月子里的时候，她的小屁屁有一天开始变得有点红红的。一开始我取笑她是只小猴子，有个红屁股。

过了两天才发现情况不对劲。某次换小尿片时，她哭得凄厉无比，哭得我心慌意乱。我才意识到她可能得了 diaper rash。老公连夜赶去药店买了Desitin。

我们仔细分析和研究了小鱼儿为什么突然会得 diaper rash。最后得出的结论是，罪魁祸首是擦小屁股所用的湿巾。一开始我们用的是最基本的湿巾，基本上里面就是水，没有别的成分。然后换了一种湿巾，才不过两三天就造成了恶果。

这么一来，囤积的湿巾全部被我果然摈弃。

小宝宝的屁股要坚持两条原则，一是保持干燥，二是保持洁净。从这一天开始，为了替代湿巾，我们选用了一种非常坚韧的、入水也不化的纸巾，沾上干净的水，擦小鱼儿的小屁屁。

在换尿片时，我们还启用了吹风机，确保小屁屁在尽量少受纸巾摩擦的情况下，尽快干燥。消磨时间的当口，我就唱首歌，按摩一下她的两条腿和两只小脚。屁屁干燥后，立马像抹蛋糕一样，抹上厚厚的一层 Desitin，然后裹上尿片，大功告成。

请脑补以下画面：半夜三更，我和老公半睁着眼起床，对着一个小屁股，又是端盆端水伺候，又是启动吹风机，外加按摩，再抹药膏（其有效成分和防晒霜是一样的）……我跟老公开玩笑说，这么顶级的待遇，我们对自个的脸蛋也从来没这么悉心照料过。

不过这样努力也是有回报的。一昼夜下来，她的小屁屁马上就消除红肿，基本恢复正常了。

所以比起脸蛋来，屁股更要擦干净。希拉里虽然对自己的脸蛋动了刀子，但是屁股没擦干净，毕竟离总统的位子远去了。

屁股脏了不能捂着盖着

大约从四个月开始，外公发现小鱼儿开发了一个有趣的自创功能。

那就是每一次她拉屎的时候，就会自动开始嗯嗯啊啊地唱歌，然后心情会变得格外地好，老是冲着你嘿嘿嘿谄媚地笑。

这么样五分钟之后，我们若是忽略了她，她便开始扭捏起来，继而闹腾。

所以每次她心情莫名地格外地晴朗时，我们就知道她必定是拉屎了，要换尿片了。

尿片臭了，捂着盖着是不行的，还不如散开来众人看看。

你看 Trump 竞选时的大臭嘴巴，处处放嘴炮。传统媒体对他恨之入骨，但是在 Twitter 这样的社交网络上，他却非常受欢迎。许多人还对他这种 not politically right 的风格表示欣赏，因为大家早就厌倦了标准政客的套路（装B）。

Trump 非常彻底地剥削了这个大众心理，并在竞选时为自己披上了最疯狂的外衣，以最少的成本最大化自己的利益。

这么讲的依据是Youtube上的一段视频，发布于2016年6月9日，名叫《This Video Will Get Donald Trump Elected》。看完之后会觉得视Trump为疯子、视这次美国大选为游戏，那就被他忽悠了。这个商人至少在过去36年之间一直在toying with a presidential run，然后一直伺机而动。

这里节选一些片段的对白。

1980年：

Q: Would you want to be the president of US?

DT: I don't believe I would really. but I really would like to see somebody as the president who can do the job and is really capable people of this country.

Q: Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?

DT: because i think it's a really mean life.......but i also see it that somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which maybe right but maybe unpopular, would necessarily have the chance getting elected against somebody with no great brain but big smile.

1988年 Oprah 访谈：

Oprah: this sounds political presidential talk to me. and i know people have talked to you about whether or not you want to run. Would you ever?

DT: Probably not, but I do get tired of seeing this country get ripped off...

Oprah: Why would you not?

DT: I just think I don't really have the inclination to do it. I love what I am doing, I really like it....

Oprah: also doesn't pay as well.

DT: (laugh) not that, but I just probably wouldn't do it, Oprah. but I do get tired of seeing what's happening with this country. And if it got so bad, i would never rule it out totally because I get really tired of seeing what's happening with this country, how we are really making other people live like kings and we are not.

Oprah: you've said though if you did run for president, you believe you'd win.

DT: well, i don't know. I think i'd win. I tell you what, i wouldn't go in to lose. I've never gone in to lose in my life. and if I did decide to do it, I think I'd be inclined to, I would say I would have a hell of a chance to win cuz I think, I don't know about your audience, but i think people are tired of seeing the United States ripped off. and I cant promise you everything, but I can tell you one thing, this country would make one hell lot of money from those people after 25 years of taking advantage, it wouldn't be the way it's been, believe me.

1989年:

Q: would you take over, and run this country as you have run your organization?

DT: I would much prefer somebody else do it. I just don't know if this somebody else is there. I don't know if we had the advocate that you need. We need major surgery. This country needs major surgery.

Q: Are your the surgeon?

DT: I think i'd do a fantastic job, but i really would prefer not doing it.
Q: are you saying that you'll take it only if drafted?

DT: no, I'm not saying that. i'm saying that somebody comes along who could be the advocate, and i think somebody who would be so popular that he or she will...but i don't see it now. I wish that person were there, but again, I do know one thing, it's not a question, this country is losing hundreds of billions. it's not a question if, it's a question when.

越来越不容易换的小尿片

进入八九个月的时候，小鱼儿的尿片就开始变得越来越难换。

每次我们把她放在换尿片的地方，她立马翻身，刷刷刷爬开。

把她拖回来，正过身子，刚打算解开尿片。她又一个翻身，刷刷刷爬开。

再拖回来，终于完全打开尿片，她又飞速翻滚、顶着个光屁股急速前行，嘴里乐呵得咯咯使劲坏笑。

然后我们就开始满地找屁股。

一遍遍拉回来，一遍遍放正，一遍遍尝试着擦干净屁股，一遍遍尝试着把新尿片给裹上去。

期间她也有可能爬着爬着刷一下坐正，然后坏坏地看着你欢快地摇着自己的小胳膊。你去一拉过来，才惊觉就这么坐起来几秒间，她已经在偷偷拉了一泡尿，解开的连身衣也已经湿了大半……

这换小尿片的程式变得越来越复杂，越来越艰难，越来越耗时，换得大人们满脸都是黑线。

我有个同事分享了更惨烈的换尿片故事。他家的儿子已经会走路了。每次一脱下脏尿片，宝宝就屁颠屁颠跑走了。一开始夫妻俩觉得很好玩，时间一久，宝宝养成了习惯，每次都这么欢腾得光着屁股跑开，然后在整个屋子里面狂奔，然后屋子就臭了……

我虽然尽力想避免小鱼儿也演变成那么失控，却感到那惨淡的明天就在不远处等着我。

从这个角度而言，政客确实应该像尿片那样勤换。不勤着换，就压根换不动了。