The trouble with expectations is that we assume they’re doing one job when really they’re doing a very different one.
See, most people assume that expectations are a way to foster growth and achievement:
- Having high expectations for our children academically encourages them to do well in school and be successful at work.
- Having high expectations for our employees encourages them to work hard and do high-quality work.
- And of course, setting big expectations for ourselves leads to personal growth and self-improvement.
But often, we end up using high expectations as a way to soothe our own anxieties and insecurities.
Here’s how it works:
- Most people hate uncertainty. The idea that their kids won’t be successful and happy or that their employees won’t do their jobs without constant supervision, for example, fills them with anxiety and dread.
- But, because they can’t actually control their kid’s academic success or their employee’s performance, they settle for the next best thing: expecting those things to happen.
- When you create an expectation in your head — which is really just you imagining the thing you want to be true — it temporarily alleviates some of that anxiety and uncertainty. It makes you feel just a little more in control and a little more certain that things will go well.
- But in reality, your expectations are merely fictions you’ve spun up in your own mind. And often, they’re not based on much evidence. Which means, these expectations are likely to be violated frequently — the result being a lot of stress and frustration on your part plus a lot of shame and resentment on the part of the people you’re expecting things of.
Expectations are often unconscious defense mechanisms we use to make ourselves feel better.
Not only is this a recipe for chronic stress and disappointment on your part, but eventually people in your life catch on that your rigid expectations aren’t really about their wellbeing and that they ultimately are selfish — a lazy way for you to make yourself feel a little better without addressing the real root of your insecurities.
- If you’re afraid that your kids won’t be successful in life, maybe you should work through that fear on your own instead of slamming them with unrealistically high expectations?
- If you’re afraid that your employees won’t work hard enough, maybe you should actually run some experiments and see how they do under different management styles and systems?
- If you’re afraid that your spouse won’t be as intimate and loving as you want, maybe you should try being assertive and asking for what you want instead of continually expecting them to read your mind and then getting upset when they don’t.
Expectations have their place. But they very easily run wild and start causing hugely unnecessary stress and unhappiness unless you’re vigilant of them.
If you want a calmer, more peaceful mind, get in the habit of checking in on your expectations regularly and making sure they aren’t too far outside of reality.
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