疑惑

疑惑

老家有个朋友，离婚两次，结婚三次。这在我们当地那个小县城，算得上惊世骇俗了。用脚趾头想都能想到她会被人背后指指点点。离婚原因也没什么新鲜：第一次是男方出轨，第二次是男方家暴。前前夫是个小混混，前夫控制欲非常强。第三次婚姻，算是门当户对，跟她一样是教师。她就这么跌跌撞撞终于找到了自己的幸福——但愿可以一辈子。

她性格温顺，知情人对她的评价是：太不幸了。是啊，这种事搁谁也得犯嘀咕：一而再，再而三，难道全怪别人？在我看来，全怪她。性格温顺导致的必然结果。

作为她的好朋友，我见证过她的几次相亲——她喜欢拉着我陪她，所谓替她“掌掌眼”。作为一个大灯泡，我充分发挥了照亮别人隐身自己的作用。基本我不太说话，但负责暖场。因为他们也不太熟，每次冷场的尴尬气氛快要浮现，我就扯个几句，尽量保证大家不必绞尽脑汁找地缝钻进去。

不过说实话，我觉得相亲这件事本身就挺尴尬的。可人家适龄男女青年，总不能都学我早恋，更没啥好处。去过那么几次，没意思的要命，偶尔有个把幽默点儿的男士，也会因为太紧张幽了半截就默下去了。我们都无可奈何。

每次我都威胁她下次不要再叫上我了，否则搅黄不贷。但她不听，我也立场不坚定，也怕这傻妮子上当受骗，就还跟了去。大家都以为我是为了蹭饭才那么乐此不疲的，其实这种饭哪次也吃不爽快——目的性太强，压力太大，不是吃饭的正常氛围。

相亲次数多了，她就有点麻木。再后来就又加上点认命的意思。我不止一次的怀疑她前两次是为了媒人的面子才结的婚，其实可结可不结。她就是禁不得别人催，拿自己的终身大事当人情给送出去——简直糊涂。

我看不上她的柔顺懦弱，也有点儿羡慕她的如水温柔。因为我是那种为了爱情可以赴汤蹈火的人，而且一点儿也不温柔。以前我觉得这种才好，爱情就应该轰轰烈烈，痛苦甜蜜统统体会一遍，人世间没有白来一遭。而且这种轰轰烈烈得是自然发生、不能刻意营造的。这种爱情年老了才好意思回味，才够美。

由于性格激烈，我的感情也是一波三折。现在终于知道自己的任性不光可能毁了自己，还会毁了别人。因为今天有爱，明天没有了怎么办？人都是会变的呀。而且不温柔，哪里像个女人？被甩也是分分钟的事。想想就应该恐慌。可当时居然不知道恐慌，就算现在也还是有点儿不屑。无知者无畏也。

后来我离开了老家，跟她也没有断了联系。只是无法再像以前那样亲密。她现在的老公很靠谱，两个儿子也慢慢长大，不知道是不是很幸福。我希望她能拥有跟她匹配的幸福。我常常想：她那么好，不幸是怎么恬不知耻接二连三找上她的？

我偶尔会想起那时跟她挤在她的小出租屋一起吃饭，一起睡觉，一起哭，一起笑。如果我不离开家，我们的命运又该如何？可我怎么可能不离开呢？曾经我以为命运被我牢牢掌控在自己手中，如今也不禁怀疑起来。我能掌控的，究竟有多少？什么是真情？什么是假意？看透了真假又有何意义？到底是性格决定了命运，还是命运决定了不得不改变？不留一丝遗憾的离开这个世界是可能的吗？

人终究是社会性的动物。离开了社会，人就不成其为人。可有时，我很想做回原始动物，我想看看，自己到底应该是什么样的。

这篇文章的初衷远远不止这些。从题目到结尾我都没有任何主意。却阻止不了这些被写下来。我充满了疑惑。

Confusion

A friend of myhometown, divorce twice, married three times. This was horrified in our localthe small town. Want to can think with my toes she will be pointing back bypeople. Divorce reason is nothing new: the first is the man to cheat, the secondis the man to domestic violence. Her ex-ex-husband was a small bludger, her ex-husband control is very strong. Third marriage is suitable, as she is a teacher. She stumbled so finally found her own happiness-I wish can be a lifetime.

Her personality is gentle, people who know her for her evaluation is: It's too unfortunate. Yes,

No matter who will feel strange to do such a thing: again，again and again, don't blame others? In my opinion, all her fault. The result of personality docile.

As her best friend, I have seen her a few times dating - she likes me to accompany her, so-called "Identify" for her. As a large the third wheel, I play a full role of the lights others stealth itself. Basically I don't speak, but is responsible for the warming up. Because they are not too familiar, ice embarrassed atmosphere is going to emerge at a time, I'll talk a few words randomly, and as far as possible to ensure we don't need to rack one's brains to find disappear.

But to be honest, I think a blind date in itself, quite embarrassing. But somebody age young men and women, not like my puppy love, more do not have what benefits. Have been to several times, boring life, occasionally have some men for a humor, yet because he's too nervous to fail. We also have no alternative.

Every time I threatened her don't call me again next time, otherwise I determined bad her good. But she didn't listen to me, I also do not stand firm, and afraid of this silly girl is cheated, is still followed. Everyone thought I was just so keen to bum meals off her, actually this kind of meals which also eat not to frank, product-oriented, pressure is too big, not eat normal atmosphere.

Dating more often，She is a little numb. Then she thinks it is the destiny. I suspect her more than once to the matchmaker's face just got married, the fact that she can have other choice. She can't stand others' urged, make a gift of her lifelong event to send out - just confused.

I disdains her meek cowardly, a little envy her gentle like water. Because I am the kind of person who can go through fire and water for love, and don't gentle. I once think this is good, love should be vigorous, sweet pain experience again; all in the world was worth it. And the vigorous occur naturally and not deliberately create. This kind of feeling is memorable and it is aftertaste in old age, It is enough beautiful.

Due to I am a woman of character is intense, my feeling can’t runs smooth. Finally I know that not only could ruin my own willfulness, will also destroy the others. Because today there is love, there is no tomorrow? People can change. And if not gentleness, how do you like a woman? Also love dump soon. Think it should be panic. But didn't know panic at that time, even if still a little disdain. Innocence Abroad.

Then I left hometown, did not break the contact with her. Just can’t as close as before. Her husband readily available, two sons also slowly grow up, I don't know whether she is very happy. I hope she can have the match with her happiness. I often think: she was so good that unfortunately is how not bashful barrage find her?

I occasionally think of that time with her in her little house eat together, sleep together, cry together, and laugh together. If I don't leave home, how about our fate? But how could I not leave? Once I thought I was the fate be grip in my own hands, are now I am wondering it. How much can I control? What is the truth? What is false? See through the true and false and what's the point? Character determines the fate, or fate decided to have to change? Without leaving a trace of regret leaving this world is possible?

After all, People are a social animal. Left the society, people will not be. But sometimes, I really want to go back to the original animal, I want to see, what I should look like.

The purpose of this article is far more than these. I don't have any idea from the title to the end. I can't prevent these be written down. I am filled with doubts.