为什么需要道歉？当然是为了换回他人对自己对信任了。
比如在工作中出了差错，一方面主动认错才能换回领导、同事的信任，另一方面大家都认错，能分担错误的责任；这难道不是职场中的常识吗？直到我读到这篇文章，我不仅对道歉有了新的看法，更多了对自身“内在追求”有新的理解。
Joseph Grenny.png
这篇文章的作者是Joseph Grenny，4次荣获纽约时报畅销作家、主讲人和企业绩效方面的著名社会科学家。其著作已被译成28种语言，在36个国家出版，并让财富500强中的300个企业受益。他是 VitalSmarts 的联合创始人，这是一家在企业培训和领导力提升上的创新企业。
下面进入正文：
Most of what has been written about apologies is fundamentally manipulative, because the focus is on technique — on applying psychology to extract forgiveness from others, as in: “What do I need to say in order to get my boss/child/neighbor to trust me again?” This view of apologies is one of today’s most pernicious assaults on trust.
（大多数写关于抱歉的内容都属于操控他人，因为关注点是放在利用心理学的知识去获得别人原谅的技巧上面。就像：“我需要怎么说才能让老板、孩子、邻居重新相信我？”这样一个关于道歉的观点是对社会信任最具有破坏的方式之一。）
At its best, an apology is the fruit of personal change, not a tool for interpersonal persuasion.
（最好的道歉方式则是人从（所犯错误）中获得了改变，而不是说服的一种工具。）
Consider this example from my own personal experience: It had been over a decade since I bombed a presentation. I thought I knew myself and my material enough that it would never happen again. And yet, I recently gave a presentation that… well… bombed.
（以我自身经验为例进行思考：自我上次搞砸演讲，已经过去十年。我曾认为我足够了解自己和自己演讲的素材，以致我认为不会再次发生这样的事。但是，我最近做了一个演讲……十分……失败。）
It was to a group that I really care about. And somehow a couple of things I did or said hit people the wrong way. Some in the group found one or more of my examples offensive. Some were upset because I covered material they had seen previously. It was an agonizing plane trip home.
（这是一次针对我很在意的一个团队的演讲。不知何故，我做了一些事或说了一些话造成了不好的影响。团队中的一些人指出一个或多个我所用例子冒犯了别人。一些人为此感到失望，因为我涉及的内容他们之前都知道。回程一路让人觉得很艰难。）
As I sat on the plane reflecting on the session, I began to write a note to express my feelings to the team that had hired me. It was a humbling experience.
（当坐在飞机上反思这次培训时，我着手开始写一封信，向聘用自己的团队表达自己感受。这真是一次令人蒙羞的经历。）
Here are the thoughts that governed the note I wrote:
Get your motive right. An apology can be about one of two things: restoring trust or restoring integrity. In my mind, if your goal is to simply restore trust, your motive is manipulative. When we fall short of others’ expectations, trust is ruptured. Others can either lose trust in our motives, our abilities, or both. They either conclude that we don’t care about their interests, or that we aren’t competent enough to secure their interests.
For example, following my recent presentation, my client may have concluded, “Joseph doesn’t know how to connect with our managers.” (We no longer trust his competence.) Or they may have suspected, “Joseph was just phoning it in. He didn’t care enough about us to properly prepare.” (We no longer trust his motives.)
（以下是我所写内容整理后的想法。
明确动机。一个道歉可以是“重获信任”或“重获诚信”两者之一。在我看来，如果你的目的是为了简单地恢复信任，那么你的动机则是试图操作影响他人。当我们没有达到他人之期望，信任就会破裂。别人也会对我们的动机、能力或二者兼具失去信任。他们同时会断定我们并不关心他们的利益，或并不足以保护其利益。
例如，基于自己这次的演讲，我的客户可能已经推断：“Joseph 并不知道如何和我们的管理者沟通。” （我们不再相信他的能力。）亦或是他们可能怀疑：“Joseph 认为那是理所当然。他没有为我们做好足够地准备。”（我们不再相信他的动机。）
）
This is the *relationship *problem a failure creates. But there is a deeper problem as well—an integrity problem. An integrity problem is a gap between how I perform and who I aspire to be. My goal is to improve lives and organizations. I fell short of my own desires that day. That’s an integrity problem.
Far too often, experts offer advice on the mechanics of an apology as though the primary problem we need to solve is the relationship problem. In so doing, they entirely bypass the integrity problem. They treat an apology like money in an overdrawn bank account—if trust is low, we must simply deposit some more in order to get back in the black. This is a fundamentally unscrupulous and manipulative form of apology. It is an attempt to appropriate trust without earning it.
（这是由失误引起的人际关系问题，但更深层次的还是诚信问题。一个在我如何表现和我渴望成为谁之间的诚信问题。我的目的是改善生活和机构。那天，我没有达到自己的预期，这是一个诚信问题。
通常，专家们在道歉方式上会给予建议，好像我们需要解决的首要问题是关系问题。这么照做时，他们则完全避开了诚信问题。他们对待道歉像对待一个透支了的银行账户中的钱一样——如果社会信任那么低廉，我们只需存多点钱以获得盈余便可。这完全是不道德且带有操作性的道歉形式。这完全是企图在没有赢取信任的情况下以获得信任。）
I wanted my primary consideration on my painful plane trip home to be the integrity problem. I decided that I should spend most of my time reflecting on how I fell short of who I wanted to be, not just on what the client wanted me to do. Only then could I issue an apology that *deserves *consideration. Apologies that “work” are those that deserve to work because they are issued from a sincere feeling of remorse and resolution. Your motive shouldn’t be to regain trust, but to deserve it. We should spend less time worrying about how to give an apology, and more time reflecting on how we can merit forgiveness.
As the plane took off, I began to see ways I had become careless and inattentive to special sensitivities of those I teach. I had allowed years of generally rave reviews to distract me from the small number whose needs I had not been properly considering for some time.
（在我痛苦的回程中，我希望自己主要的考虑是在诚信问题上。我决定应该花大部分时间反思自己为何辜负了自己的期望，而不仅仅是客户想让我做什么。只有这样，我才能做出他人值得考虑的道歉。道歉能奏效往往因为道歉者本人有真诚的悔恨和决心。你的动机不应是重获信任，而是值得他人信任。我们应该花更少的时间去考虑如何给予道歉，而是花更多的时间去反思我们如何获得谅解。
随着飞机起飞，我开始察觉自己对那些我教授之事的特殊敏感性变得毫不在意和漫不经心。几年时间的广泛赞誉，让我忽略了少数需要我偶尔适当关心的人们。）
Absorb the learning. I don’t deserve others’ trust until I deserve my own. Once my heart is in the right place, my reflection should focus on new commitments I will make to both right the past wrong and prevent future ones. I must own up to any damage I created. I must listen deeply to others to learn the ways their expectations were not met. I can be honest with them about my own views as well—but my primary focus must be to enter their world and see my behavior from their perspective. Then, I must resolve to improve my motives and abilities so that in the future, I will be the kind of person I want to be. As my flight progressed, I reflected on what my client had told me. I set aside my defensiveness and looked at the event from their perspective. As a result, I resolved—among other things—to avoid humor that could be hurtful to anyone. And I committed to be more explicit in setting expectations with those I serve.
（掌握所学。除非我自己信任自己，不然我并不值得他人信任。一旦我的心态摆正了，我的反思应该集中在我将所做的承诺上，以更正过去的错误，和防止未来再次犯错。我必须承认自己所造成的任何伤害。我必须发自内心地去听取别人的意见，从没有达到他人之期望中吸取教训。我同样也会与他们坦诚自己的观点——但我主要的关注点必须是进入他们的世界，从他们的角度看待我的行为。然后，我必须决心在未来去改善自身的动机和提高自己的能力，并成为自己想成为的那种人。随着我的班机在不断飞行，我对客户所告知的话进行了反思。我将自己戒备心搁置一旁，并从他们的视角看待发生的事。于是，我便决定——还包括其他事——避免可能伤及他人自尊的幽默。同时我致力于和我所服务的客户，更加明确地设定期望。）
Issue the apology—for the right reason. The best apology is a glimpse into your own accountability. It affords others an intimate and sincere view of your internal moral conversation—how you respond to their feelings and how you judge your own actions. Its goal is not to “get” something from the other person. That decision is up to them. Some people forgive slowly and some readily. You can’t control that. All you can control is the speed with which you regain your own integrity.
My communication to my client began, “My goal yesterday was to help you with the life-saving work you are doing. And not only did I not help, it appears that with some of your managers, I have hurt the effort. I am sorry…”
（正确致歉。最好的道歉就是审视自己应负的责任。这向他人展示了你自己内在道德对话的本质且真诚的想法——你如何回应他人的感受和如何评价自身的行为。这样做的目的不是从他人那“拿到”什么。这取决于他们。有些人很久才会予以原谅，而有些人则很轻易。这是你无法控制的，你能控制的是自己重获诚信的速度。
我这样开始与客户的沟通：“我昨天的目的是能为你所从事的挽救生命的工作中帮助你，可我不仅没有帮助，于你的一些经理来看，还伤害了你的努力。我很抱歉……”）
The purpose of an apology is not to restore trust, but to confirm to others that we deserve it.
道歉的目的不是恢复信任，而是向他人证实我们值得信任。
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