去大理

去大理

文/颜克

昨夜无眠，不知是咖啡的作用，还是脑神经错综纷乱，此刻窗外下着雨，我没有雨衣，我想去酒吧喝一杯威士忌，好在梦里多点激昂的情绪。我讨厌这异域腔调，耳机里单曲循环你唱的《去大理》，我知道我不够勇敢，去大理路途遥远。小山城里的吉普尼在奋力的爬坡，突突声让人心烦，我讨厌汽车七横八落的碾压着山体，疼痛和支离破碎，想摔东西、撕衣服、大声叫喊！但我只是默默的坐着，空空的大楼除了我只有保安，或许角落里有无数只蟑螂、老鼠和蚊子。曾经一只大老鼠爬过我的电脑桌，与我对视，又安静的走开。我的一只鼻孔不透气，一边鼻涕流到了嘴里，我头发凌乱，眼神迷离。这不是要回家的节奏，距离越近，鸿沟越远，远远的躲避，我有点害怕回到现实。

有些相遇是注定的，十年前，我们都是青涩少年，你是我的小学弟，艺术楼里相见，也只是一个注视，或许是我看到了你，也许是你看到了我，我们都不知道是否看到了彼此。只是偶尔的交错，足球场上，画室里，展览开幕式上，曾经我们有一张合影，里面还有个女生，是你的女人。有人说我孤傲，那是缘于自卑。你的女人高傲的像公主，是的，你们多么般配。你有与众不同的眼神，卷曲的头发，忧郁而略显成熟的气质，和她系花的称谓真是绝配。我一直觉得自己是丑小鸭，因为丑，才要奋力飞翔。

再联系上，我在异国他乡，你的一句：“小师姐，还好吗？”勾起了太多的校园回忆。原来，我们都在默默的关注着彼此。

现在，我们都有了家庭，孩子，爱人，有了对生活中太多的无奈，“是不是对生活不太满意，很久没有笑过又不知为何，既然不快乐又不喜欢这里，不如一路向西去大理”仅存的梦想，就这样毫无防备的把自己淹埋……聊起往事，仿佛一切像在昨天。笑容疏散了眼角的皱纹，你弹着吉他给我唱歌，把我写的诗谱曲弹唱，我们整夜不睡觉，对着电脑屏幕傻笑，仿佛又回到了青春岁月，我们聊大学里第一次的相遇，聊某个午后的足球场，聊起你的11号球衣，聊起某某同学的糗事，聊心底的一丝忧伤，爱着对方，还嫉妒着彼此身边的伴侣。

我们聊生活，聊理想，原来我们想要的，是一样的日子，写诗，画画，唱歌，和爱人厮守，旅行，做简单的真实的自己。你问我去哪旅游了，我说我在菲律宾旅居一年。你说我这月去吴哥窟。一个人。你说喜欢在路上的感觉，明年计划去尼泊尔，可以一起去吗？确实心动，但我没有回答。

你说你喜欢爱诗歌的姑娘，她们眼神里还有纯净的美好。你说大学时候很期待看见我，所以收藏了很多有关我的记忆。我很意外，是的，我以为没有人关注丑小鸭的世界，我以为我一直一个人走在孤独里，在家乡是，在异国也是。

“三月的烟雨，飘摇的南方，你坐在你空空的米店。你一手拿着苹果，一手拿着命运，在寻找你自己的香。窗外的人们，匆匆忙忙，把眼光丢在潮湿的路上。你的舞步，划过空空的房间。时光就变成了烟。爱人，你可感到明天已经来临，码头上停着我们的船，我会洗干净头发，爬上桅杆，撑起我们葡萄枝嫩叶般的家。”你说不知道为什么，每次听到这首歌，都会想起我。你说你一度找我过的联系方式，在QQ上偶尔看到动态，知道你挺好就好。你说你一直记得第一次我和你说话的情景，说起来，回忆清晰可见。你说你喜欢纯粹的绘画，虽然现在做文案，但一有空就画，一直坚持画。你说你喜欢在人群里看各色人路过你面前，猜想他们的经历，编造各种故事。大学时候就会站在高处，冷眼看着和你这么近又那么远的的身影，消磨了大多的无聊的时光。你说你在写小说，毕业还做过一年乐队，觉得没意思，就骑摩托车到处旅行，你说你喜欢摩托车的狂野和自由，可以穿越汽车不能过的无人境地。但一次以为受伤后就不能再骑摩托车了。你说现在的生活不悲不喜，但又肯定不是你想要的生活。是的，我逃离了我的圈子，却逃离不出困顿的自己。

我说我给自己设计了一个龙纹，想纹在左手无名指，你说你也有纹身，是父亲离开时纹在腿上的，你说要一直记得父亲。你给我看自己设计的痛苦的信仰专辑图的纹身，对父亲的思念，也是一种信仰。你说纹身会上瘾，回来我陪你一起纹吧。你说以为我们会是两天平行线，却不知生活中处处都是意外，这种无欲无求的感觉，像是敞开心扉对待自己的灵魂。你说我耐得住寂寞，却无法忍受孤独，可我们都是孤独的，再热闹都是他们的，我们始终冷眼旁观。所以你常常一个人旅行，你给我看机票，吴哥窟越来越近了。柬埔寨离我很近，可我没有勇气与你相遇在吴哥窟里。你看我画的黑白影像，你说第一眼看到以为是摄影，你说你也喜欢摄影，你说摄影是一个意外，定格与历史的瞬间，你喜欢意外的东西，催生心灵美好的种子。吴哥窟回来后看你写的游记发的片子，我想我一定会去吴哥窟的，只是想走过有你的足迹。我们小心的守候着这份情感，不轻易的说爱。我们隔着时空，对着电脑屏幕举杯，在音乐里荡漾飘摇的人生。我们爱着，幻想着，却不轻易下笔，因为用心纯绘画，才是自己，那个自己，有时候让人恐惧。

你问我想要什么样的生活，你说你的理想是希望有一天可以有所大房子，客厅是画室，两条雪纳瑞，两只孟买猫，窗外是云淡风轻的日子，一个懂我爱我和我一起画画读书的女人。还有有很多木吉他，即使不弹，也能嗅得到木香。

我没有说那也是我想要的，再有一台缝纫机，做做手工和布艺。

昨天你说你辞了工作，等我回国来一起去大理吧，用心爱着，不论结局。我没有回答，我知道我没有勇气。

2015.3.12夜

Go to Dali

I can not sleep last night, I do not know the effect of coffee, or cranial nerve intricate chaos and it is raining at the moment out of the window. I haven't got a raincoat, I want to go to a bar to drink a cup of whisky. Fortunately, my dream has more passionate emotions. I hate this foreign accent, headphones single cycle you sing” to the Dali ", I know I'm not brave enough, to Dali, it is a distant journey. the Jeepney in hill town is struggling to climb, the sound of chug let people upset, I hate car is rolling mountains in disorder, pain and fragmented, want to drop things, torn clothes, shouting! But I just sit silently, the empty building has only security except me, perhaps there are countless cockroaches, mice and mosquitoes in the corner. Once on the computer desk, there is a big mouse glaring at me, and we looked at each other, and went quietly away. One of my nostrils air flow to the side of the nose mouth, my hair disheveled, eyes blurred. This is not the rhythm of home, the closer the gap, the farther away, I am a bit afraid to return to reality.

Some are destined to meet, ten years ago, we are teenagers, you are my school brother, we meet in an arts building, only a look, perhaps I see you, maybe you can see me, we do not know whether to see each other. Just the occasional staggered, football and in the studio. The opening of the exhibition, we have had a group photo, there is also a girl, is your woman. Some people say that I am lonely, that is due to the inferiority. Your woman is proud, just like a princess, yes, you, how to match each other. You are out of the ordinary eyes, curly hair, melancholy and slightly mature temperament, and she spent appellation which is really a perfect match. I always thought I was ugly duckling, because the ugly, I try my best to strive to fly.

Then contact, I am in a foreign country, you are saying: "little sister, are you okay?" Aroused too many campus memories. It turned out that we are silently watching each other.

Now, we have a family, children, lovers, we have too much helplessness of life, "is it not very satisfied with the life, haven't laughed and I do not know why, if you do not feel happy and do not like here, take a road to the west and directly to Dali" only dream, so no preparedness to bury them... Talk about the past, as if everything was yesterday. Smile can evacuate the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes, you are playing the guitar and sing to me, playing and singing the poems that I wrote, we have to stay up all night, in front of a computer screen giggle, we seem to have returned to the youth, we talk about we met at University for the first time, talk of an afternoon football field, chatted about your number 11 shirt, chatted about the students of a certain embarrassments, chat a little sadness of heart, love each other, also envy the one beside of the companion.

We talk about life, talk about the ideal, the original we want is the same day, poetry, painting, singing, and loved ones, to travel, simple and true to you. You ask me where to travel, I stay in Philippines for a year. You say I go to Angkor Wat this month.. A person. You say you like the feeling on the road, next year plan to go to Nepal, can we go together? It's true, but I don't answer it..

You say that you love the girl who loves poetry, and there are pure and beautiful in her eyes.. You said that when I was looking forward to seeing me, I collected a lot of my memories.. I was surprised, yes, I thought no one was concerned about the world of the ugly duckling, I thought I was walking alone in solitude, in my hometown, and in the foreign country.

" Rain in March, wind of the south, you sit in your empty rice shop. You take the apple in one hand, in another hand, the destiny in search for your own fragrance.. People outside the window, hurried to lose the light of the eyes on the wet road. Your dance moves across the empty room. Time becomes smoke.. Love, do you feel tomorrow has arrived, pier parked our ship, I will wash hair, climbed up the mast, prop up the grape branches and leaves like home. " You don't know why, every time I hear this song, I think of me. You said you were looking for contact, I occasionally see the dynamics on the QQ, I know you are very good. You said you always remember the first time I talked to you, and said, memories are clearly visible. You say you like pure painting, although now your job is a copywriter, you like painting if you are free, has been adhering to the painting. You say you like to see people in the crowd to see colored people passing by you, guess their experience, fabricate stories. When the university will stand on high, coldly looking at you so near and yet so far of figure, spend the most boring time. You said you writing a novel, after graduation you are in the band for a year, that did not mean, you rode a motorcycle to travel everywhere, you said you like motorcycles wild and free, can pass through the cars cannot unmanned situation. But once you thought you were injured, so you can't ride a motorcycle again. You say that life is not sad and not happy, but it's not life you want.. Yes, I ran away from my circle, but could not escape from his predicament.

I said I design a dragon for myself, drawing the pattern on the left ring finger, you say you have a tattoo, when his father left marks in the legs, you said you always remember your father. You show me the pain of your design, the tattoo of the album, the thought of your father, and a belief. You say tattoos can become addictive, come back I accompany you to the grain bar. You say that we will be two days parallel line, but I do not know the life everywhere accidents, this feeling of no desire, just like opening their hearts to their souls. You said my loneliness, but could not endure the loneliness, we are all alone, lively and are theirs, we always sit on the sidelines. So you often travel alone, you show me an air ticket, Angkor Wat is getting closer and closer. Kampuchea is close to me, but I don't have the courage to meet you in Angkor Wat. You see I painted black and white images, you say first saw that is photography, you say something you like photography, you say that photography is an unexpected, freeze and historical moment you like surprises, gave birth to the seeds of a good heart. Angkor Wat back after watching you write the travel notes which can be made of the film, I think I will go to Angkor Wat, just want to walk through your footsteps. We are careful waiting for this feeling, not easy to say the love. We separated by time and space, in front of the computer screen, we cheer, in the music life of swaying waves. We love, fantasy, but not easy to write, because the heart of pure painting, is their own, the own and sometimes to make people fear.

You ask me what I want in life, you said that your ideal is to have a big house one day, the living room is a studio, two schnauzer, two cats in Mumbai, the window is cloudless day, a girl who knows me, love me and draw together with me, company me reading, she is such a woman. There are a lot of wooden guitar, even if not to play, we can smell the fragrance.

I did not say that is also what I want, and then there is a sewing machine, doing manual and fabric.

Yesterday you said you quit the job, and so I come home to go to Dali, with love, regardless of the outcome. I don't answer, I know I have no courage.

2015.3.12 night

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