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PART II: COMMENTS, QUESTIONS, AND PARENTS’ STORIES
Questions Parents Have Asked
1. Is it important that I always empathize with my child?
No. Many of our conversations with our children consist of casual exchanges. If a child were to say, “Mom, I decided to go to David’s house after school today,” it would seem unnecessary for the parent to reply, “So you made a decision to visit a friend this afternoon.” A simple “Thanks for letting me know” would be sufficient acknowledgment. The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels. Reflecting his positive feelings presents few problems. It’s not hard to respond to a youngster’s exuberant “I got ninety-seven on my math test today!” with an equally enthusiastic “Ninety-seven! You must be so pleased!”
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It’s his negative emotions that require our skill. That’s where we have to overcome the old temptation to ignore, deny, moralize, etc. One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises. Somehow the image of a cut or a laceration helped him realize that his son required as prompt and serious attention for his hurt feelings as he would for a hurt knee.
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2. What’s wrong with asking a child directly, “Why do you feel that way?”
Some children can tell you why they’re frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel as they do. At other times they’re reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes their reason won’t seem good enough. (“For that you’re crying?”)
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It’s much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?” It’s easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you’re feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.
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3. Are you saying we should let our children know we agree with their feelings?
Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged. The statement “You’re absolutely right” might be satisfying to hear for the moment, but it can also prevent a child from thinking things through for himself.
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Example:
CHILD: The teacher says she’s calling off our class play. She’s mean!
PARENT: After all those rehearsals? I agree with you. She must be mean to do a thing like that!
End of discussion.
Notice how much easier it is for a child to think constructively when his feelings are accepted:
CHILD: My teacher says she’s calling off the class play. She’s mean.
PARENT: That must be a big disappointment for you. You were looking forward to it.
CHILD: Yeah. Just because some kids fool around at rehearsal. It’s their fault.
PARENT: (listens silently)
CHILD: She’s mad because nobody knows their parts, too.
PARENT: I see.
CHILD: She said if we “shaped up” she might give us one more chance. . . . I better go over my lines again. Would you cue me tonight?
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Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing.
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4. If it’s so important to show my child I understand, what’s wrong with simply saying, “I understand how you feel”?
The problem with saying “I understand how you feel” is that some children just don’t believe you. They’ll answer, “No, you don’t.” But if you take the trouble to be specific (“The first day of school can be scary—so many new things to get used to”), then the child knows you really do understand.
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5. Suppose I try to identify a feeling and it turns out that I’m wrong. What then?
No harm done. Your child will quickly set you right.
Example:
CHILD: Dad, our test was postponed till next week.
FATHER: That must have been a relief for you.
CHILD: No, I was mad! Now I’ll have to study the same stuff again next week.
FATHER: I see. You were hoping to get it over with.
CHILD: Yeah!
It would be presumptuous for any one person to assume he could always know what another person is feeling. All we can do is attempt to understand our children’s feelings. We won’t always succeed, but our efforts are usually appreciated.
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6. I know feelings should be accepted, but I find it hard to know how to react when I hear “You’re mean” or “I hate you” from my own child.
If “I hate you” upsets you, you might want to let your child know, “I didn’t like what I just heard. If you’re angry about something, tell it to me in another way. Then maybe I can be helpful.”
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