Section 6 - Part 2 -～～1| Helping

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Situation: Father was going fishing and four-year-old Danielle wanted to go with him.
DADDY: All right, honey, you can come along, but remember we’ll be standing outside for a long, long time and it’s cold outside this morning.
DANIELLE: (Confusion is spread across her face and she answered with great hesitation.) I changed my mind . . . I want to stay home.
Two minutes after Daddy left the tears began.
DANIELLE: Daddy left me and he knew I wanted to go!
MOMMY: (preoccupied at the time and not in the mood to cope) Danielle, we both know that you decided to stay home. Your crying is distracting and I don’t want to listen, so if you’re going to cry go to your room.

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She runs to her room wailing.
Minutes later Mommy decides to try the new method.
MOMMY: (going to Danielle’s room and sitting on her bed) You really wanted to be with Daddy, didn’t you? Danielle stopped crying and nodded her head.
MOMMY: You felt confused when Daddy mentioned how cold it would be. You couldn’t make up your mind.
Relief showed in her eyes. Nodding again, she dried her eyes.
MOMMY: You felt you didn’t have enough time to make up your mind.
DANIELLE: No, I didn’t.
At this point I hugged her. She bounced off her bed and went off to play.

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It also seemed to help the children to know that they could have two very different feelings at the same time.
After the baby was born, I always told Paul that he loved his new brother. Paul would shake his head, “Nooooo! Nooooo!”
This past month I’ve been saying, “It seems to me, Paul, you have two feelings about the baby. Sometimes you’re glad you have a brother. He’s fun to watch and play with. And sometimes you don’t like having him around at all. You just wish he’d go away.”
Paul likes that. At least once a week now, he’ll say to me, “Tell me about my two feelings, Mommy.”

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Some parents particularly appreciated having the skills to be helpful when a child’s mood was one of discouragement or despair. They were glad to know they didn’t have to take on their children’s unhappiness and make it their own. One mother said, “I’ve just begun to realize what unnecessary pressure I’ve been putting myself under to make sure my kids are happy all the time. I first became aware of how far gone I was when I found myself trying to Scotch-tape a broken pretzel together to stop my four-year-old from crying. I’ve also begun to realize what a burden I’ve been putting on the children. Think of it! Not only are they upset about the original problem, but then they get more upset because they see me suffering over their suffering. My mother used to do that to me, and I remember feeling so guilty—as if there was something wrong with me for not being happy all the time. I want my kids to know that they’re entitled to be miserable without their mother falling apart.”

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My son, Ron, came in with muddied overalls and downcast face.
FATHER: I see a lot of mud on your pants.
RON: Yeah, I suck at football.
FATHER: You had a hard game.
RON: Yeah, I can’t play. I’m too weak. Even Jerry knocks me down.
FATHER: It’s so frustrating to get knocked down.
RON: Yeah. I wish I was stronger.
FATHER: You wish you were built like Superman.
RON: Yeah, then I could knock them down.
FATHER: You could run right over those tacklers.
RON: I could find plenty of running room.
FATHER: You could run.
RON: I can pass, too. I’m good on the short pass, but I can’t throw a bomb (long pass).
FATHER: You can run and pass.
RON: Yeah, I can play better.
FATHER: You feel you could play better.
RON: Next time I’m going to play better.
FATHER: You know you’ll play better.

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Ordinarily I would have greeted Ron with some remarks such as: “You’re a good player. You just had one bad game. Don’t worry, you’ll do better next time.” He probably would have sulked and gone to his room.
I’ve made a tremendous discovery in this group. The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them. I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family you’d better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness.

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