怎样管教小淘气包？

怎样管教小淘气包？

Gokid枸杞 今天

译自：Ariadne Brill

You broke your own rule mama! You used the car as a closet!  Said my daughter beyond excited to have noticed my forgotten coat, wrinkled and abandoned in the freezing cold car.You are right. And I am so glad you noticed and told me. I offered with a smile. I will be sure to take it inside next time. I said to her.

妈妈你自己犯规了！你把汽车当衣柜用！女儿一脸兴奋，她发现我把皱巴巴的外套落在冰冷的车里了。你说的对，真高兴你能发现，而且还告诉了我。我保证下次把衣服带回家，我微笑着对她说。

Mom! It’s a no biggie!  Can I have a piggyback ride when we arrive? Oh and I bet you will do better next time.  She added with a silly, silly smile.

妈妈！没什么大不了的！到家你能背着我走一会么？我相信你下次能做的更好。她傻笑着又补上一句。

As my daughter had playfully explained that my forgotten coat was not a big deal,  I could hear my words coming through.The very words I strive to use when small mistakes happen and just a hint of guidance will do the trick.

女儿调皮的解释说我忘掉外套不过是小事一桩，她这句话里有我的影子。孩子们犯些小错的时候，我就会尽量用这样的话来安慰他们。这种时候孩子仅仅需要一点引导就够了。

But what about when Children break the rules and don’t listen?

但是，如果孩子们既不遵守规则又不听劝导，又该怎么做呢？

Children sometimes break rules or don’t listen. Sometimes we realize it’s just a mistake, like my daughter’s playful imitation of a “no biggie”.  Other times, we are certain the rule breaking or not listening is misbehavior, or even defiance in need of discipline.

孩子们常常会不遵守规则或者不听劝导。有时候，我们意识到这不过是一个小错，就像我女儿调皮的模仿我说的那样“没什么大不了”。而另一些时候则不然，我们明确的知道这种行为是不恰当的，需要严加管教。

A common response in these cases is to search for the best discipline – but what is best isn’t always clear. Just that something should be done… because children “should not get away with breaking the rules!” and “Children need to learn the consequences of their actions.”  as parents recently shared with me in a workshop.

通常，人们这时候的反应是去找最好的管教方法—然而什么样的管教最好？这并不明确。家长们仅仅是觉得应该做点什么。。。因为“如果孩子们不遵守规则，那就绝不能轻饶！”，而且“孩子应该为他们自己的行为负责，为他们造成的后果负责”，家长们最近和我在训练营里做了这样的分享。

01

Whatever the response, helping children learn, to accept responsiblity or the value of listening to our guidance is usually the goal. And for that reason, not choosing a punitive approach is important. So that the child will NOT end up feeling worried, confused and misunderstood. Disconnected from the very person that is supposed to offer safety and guidance.

不管应对方法是什么，目的都是要帮助孩子们学习承担责任以及听从我们的教导。因此，更应该注意不要采用惩罚的手段。这样，受罚的孩子才不会觉得忧心忡忡、迷惑不解或者觉得自己被误解了；同时孩子和家长的关系也不会变的疏远；家长本该让孩子有安全感，并为孩子提供引导。

Guidance Instead Of Punishment

引导而非惩罚

Punishments for breaking rules can lead to a child retaliating or withdrawing (Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline Series). What does that look like?  It might be a child refusing to eat, delaying bedtime, talking back or otherwise behaving in ways that invite negative attention. Mistakenly we sometimes perpetuate the “not listening/ not cooperating” behaviors precisely because of how we are trying to stop them in the first place. But two negatives when it comes to children and listening is not likely to equal a positive outcome.

对破坏规则的孩子采用惩罚的手段可能会导致孩子性格内向或者让孩子出现报复性行为（(Jane Nelsen, 正面管教系列）。这种情况会如何表现呢？孩子可能会拒绝吃饭，晚睡，顶嘴或者做些惹人烦的事儿吸引大人的注意力。我们的初衷是让孩子聆听教导，学会合作，结果我们错误的处理方式却恰恰强化了孩子们的这种行为。孩子错误的行为和家长错误的处理方式可不会起到负负得正的效果。

There is magic, and sound reasoning, in taking a calm, kind, inquisitive and understanding approach to helping children when they break rules or don’t listen.

孩子们不听话的时候，我们可以采用一种神奇有效的方法—采用一种平静、友好、探寻和理解的方法来帮助孩子。

Because a guidance approach opens the door for working together. It creates trust and invites cooperation. It offers children a chance to understand themselves and others.  To reflect on their choices and decisions. It gives you an opportunity to be seen as a safe and trusted source of meaningful information.

使用引导的方法能够打开共同努力的大门。这种方法让大人和孩子之间互相信任，并通力合作。孩子们能有机会了解他们自己和他人的想法。对孩子们的选择做出反馈也是家长的一个机会。这可以让孩子们明白，家长既是安全的港湾，也是有效信息的可信赖的源泉。

My daughter’s playful copycat moment was a powerful reminder of just how much words really imprint and impact our children. If we choose to encourage and help when the stakes are low, we have a better chance of getting through when the stakes are high.

我女儿淘气的模仿行为，强力有的说明了大人对孩子言传身教影响有多大。如果我们能在日常小事里经常鼓舞和帮助孩子，那当我们面临真正的困境的时候，就能更加得心应手的处理危机。

These Rules Were Made For Breaking (not quite…)

以下规则用来应对崩溃时刻（也没那么严重啦。。。）

Having rules is important. Particularly rules that keep children safe.  Adjusting rules to reflect your family values and needs is wise. Knowing your child will test, push and probably break some of these rules is also wise.

制定规则是重要的。制定安全守则尤为重要。根据自己家庭的价值观和需求来调整规则是很明智的。要明白你的孩子会试探，抵抗甚至会破坏规则，这一认知也是明智的。

Testing limits is a way of testing independence, and that’s a good thing, even if it makes us want to stick a fork in our heads. It’s exhausting, yes, but it’s a necessary part of creating independent kids. – Jessica Lahey, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

孩子会不断挑战我们的底线，这是一种独立性的表现。尽管这种行为会让我们痛苦不堪，它依然是有益的。虽然这会让我们精疲力尽，但是这确是孩子独立成长的必要部分。— 摘自Jessica Lahey的 《“不管教”，是更好的管教：聪明父母懂得放手，孩子才会成功》一书。

Striving to help and guide your child (instead of punishing) when the rules are broken is even wiser. Because it gives children a blue print for solving problems, learning responsibility and it flexes their failure and resiliency muscles.

更明智的是，在孩子不遵守规则的时候试着帮助和引导而不是惩罚孩子。这给孩子们提供了解决问题、承担责任的蓝图，并能锻炼他们的抗挫折能力。

Focusing on understanding mistakes and misbehavior,  instead controlling or punishing preserves trust and encourages capability. It also cultivates a cooperative “working with” dynamic that you can use from the toddler years and beyond.

不要试图控制或者惩罚孩子而是专注于理解他们犯的错，这能让大人和孩子之间互相信任，并能锻炼孩子的能力。这能营造一种你和孩子“并肩作战”的动力，不管是孩子蹒跚学步的时候还是以后，你们都将从中受益。

Discipline really is more effective when it focuses on teaching, understanding and guiding the child, instead of trying to make the child feel bad.

专注于教育、理解与引导而不是让孩子不自在，这种管教要更有效。

02

What To Do When Your Child Breaks the Rules & Doesn’t Listen To You

孩子不遵守规则或不听从教导时该怎么做？

1.No Biggies:  If your child breaks a rule that is small, and it’s really just a mistake or oversight, calmly let them know it’s a “no biggie” moment.  Follow up with any missing information they may need to not do it again.

1，没什么大不了：如果孩子仅仅是犯了个小错，或者是一时疏忽，那么，平静的告诉孩子这没什么大不了的。但是要告诉孩子他们做错了什么，以防止同样的错误再次出现。

2.Involve and Listen : Ask if your child has ideas how to fix her own mistake. With time, your child may start doing this on her own. (Read an example of a child learning to take responsibility for a big mistake here.)

2，投入与倾听：问问你的孩子，有什么办法能弥补他自己犯下的错?假以时日，孩子自己就会主动去这样思考。（给孩子读一个承认错误，承担责任的故事）。

3. Do Over:  Notice an unhelpful behavior? Let your child start over or have a second chance.  It might sound like “Can you show me a way to pet the dog that is gentle and kind?”,

3，从头来过。发现孩子做错了事？给孩子重来一次的机会。你可以这样说：“你能让我瞧瞧怎样爱抚狗狗更温柔和善么？”

4.Stop The Behavior & Listen To the Feelings:  When you notice your child is behaving in a way that is unhelpful and unnecessary calmly step in to stop the behavior. Then follow up with an opportunity for the child to connect with you and express himself. It might sound like   “I will not let you hit your brother!”  Step between the two children. “I’m here for you. Can you tell me what is going on?”   When we listen to the feelings, we help children learn to self-regulate and make better choices as they grow.

4，制止行为并且倾听感受：当你注意到你的孩子行为失当，那么平静的介入并制止这种行为。然后给孩子机会向你诉说他的感受。可以试着这样做：“你不能打弟弟”，然后走到两个孩子中间去，“我来了，你可以告诉我是怎么回事么？”倾听孩子的感受，能帮助孩子控制自己的情绪与行为。当他们长大一些的时候，他们的表现就能更好。

5.Help WITH vs. doing for: You can offer your child help fixing, cleaning up or mending when needed.  A doing “with” instead of “fixing for”  attitude helps transform misbehavior into a teachable moment. Your child can walk away with a sense that not only is she expected to fix her mistakes, that she is capable of doing so as well.

5，帮他做还是替他做：孩子整理清洁和修理的时候你可以去帮忙。“去帮忙”而不是去“替他纠正错误”，这种态度能让孩子从犯下的错误中学习。孩子能意识到，她不仅仅是想要纠正错误而已，她也有能力纠正自己的错误。

6.Say NO & Yes when you mean it:  Set and keep limits that are clear so your child understands what you really expect.

6，明确的表达“对”“错”：明确的表达规则的底线，好让孩子们明白他们该怎么做。

7.Respect & Encourage: Speak to your child with the same respect and consideration that you hope to hear when she speaks to you, her family, friends and teachers.

7，尊重和鼓励：如果你希望孩子能尊重你、你的家人、朋友和老师的话，那么你也该同样尊重你的孩子。

8.Teach then Trust:  Strive not to lecture or dwell on the broken rules ( You may need to vent to a friend or write it down to let it go). Aim to teach and then move forward, trusting that your child is learning to follow your guidance.

8，教导与信任：别纠结在犯的错上（你可能需要找个朋友或者写下来倾诉一下）。专注于教导孩子，并且要向前看。要相信你的孩子正学着去跟随你的引导。

03

What if a child keeps breaking the same rules over and over again?

要是孩子总是犯同一个错怎么办？

•Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline Series suggests “Take time for training” meaning, be sure your child has had enough time with you to practice and learn what is expected.

《正面管教》的作者Jane Nelsen建议：给孩子一点时间。要确保孩子有足够的时间来学习和练习来达到你的期望值。

•Reflect and reduce the number of rules. Too many rules becomes controlling and constricting. And most children will become quite creative (i.e. lying, breaking more rules) just to not get caught.

慎重制定规则并且减少规则的数量。制定太多的规则对孩子控制和约束会太多。而且大多数孩子为了让自己不被抓住会花样百出（比如撒谎，犯更多的错）。

•Reflect if there is a need to adjust expectations and surroundings (house proof, supervise, explain differently) to match your child’s age and development.

慎重考虑是否需要调整自己的期望值和环境（房子里的防护措施，监控，用不同方式解释）来适应孩子的年龄和不同的发展阶段。

Focus on connection:  Is your child getting plenty of unconditional and positive attention from you?

关注你和孩子之间的情感纽带。孩子能从你那里无条件的得到许多正面的关注么？

Do you make time to be with your child, to play games, listen to dreams, thoughts and wishes? Do you create special moments together?  Do you look at your child with love, kindness and care? Do you forgive and even expect imperfections?

你有没有花时间和孩子玩游戏，倾听孩子的梦想、想法和心愿？你有没有创造属于你们的特别时光？当你看着你的孩子的时候，你的眼中是否有爱，善意和关怀?你是否能原谅甚至期待孩子有不完美的表现？

Because loving a person means seeing him, really seeing him, above the distractions, the chaos, the mess, and the imperfections. -Rachel Macy Stafford, Hands Free Mama

爱一个人，也意味着爱他的混乱与不完美。—摘自 Rachel Macy Stafford的《放手妈妈》

The more your child feels welcomed, understood and encouraged the more she is likely to follow your guidance.  You don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to come up with complicated behavior charts or schemes either. Simply having a willingness to invest in your relationship, in these early years really makes a huge difference.

你的孩子越是能感觉到你的接纳、理解和鼓励就越倾向于跟随你的引导。你不需要完美，也不需要去做一些复杂的行为规范表。简单来说，你只需要愿意去经营你们的亲子关系就行。在孩子还小的时候你做的这些努力真的对以后的日子影响深远。

You haven’t failed if your child has been testing limits and pushing boundaries. As you help your child grow, you will have many opportunities to say no, explain rules again (and again), listen to tears, frustrations and fears. Offer hugs, look for the “doing with moments” allow second chances. Pause, involve, remember your child is capable and willing to learn from you.

如果你的孩子还在试探你的底线，你就还没失败。在帮助你的孩子成长的过程中，你有很多机会说“不行”，一遍遍的解释规则，面对孩子的眼泪、挫败感和恐惧感。拥抱你的孩子，与他们合作，允许孩子从头来过。暂停片刻、投入亲子时光，记住，你的孩子有能力也有意愿从你这里学到更多。

Peace & Be Well,

祝好。

Ariadne