By Kathy Murray／译：小蚊子
引言：加州的K.M.女士说，她通过放弃对丈夫的控制，挽救了自己的婚姻。尽管她依然认为自己是一个女权主义者，但却按照一本有争议的书《投降的妻子》上面所说的在做，也在劝别人这么做。这本书教给女性的是，不要再对自己的伴侣唠唠叨叨，而要对他们多一些尊重。
我的第一段婚姻在我26岁时结束。第二段婚姻开始于32岁，但很快觉得这不像个家，我和老公总是在干仗。
多数情况的起因是，我觉得他在抚养孩子方面简直弱爆了（我们有4个4-9岁的孩子）。围绕如何安排花销和多久做一次爱，我们总是在吵个不停。
我有一份全职工作，在一家私立学校担任财务总监。我经常在孩子的学校和我所在的社区做义工。老公是一家建筑公司的销售。在家里，我是经济方面的顶梁柱，自然也就该做主。
和老公之间旷日持久的矛盾，我没有告诉过任何人。我开始变得窘迫、愤怒和怨恨。
每当我因老公无视我的需求而发怒时，他总是躲在一旁看电视，和我们的宠物腻在一起。所有的男人都有性需求，可我老公没有。他对我没性趣。这太可怕了！
我越是让老公干这干那，他越是不干。实在没办法，我就把他拖到婚姻咨询中心。但这使问题变得更糟。因为忍受不了我们整日闹腾，孩子们也快崩溃了，最终也被送进咨询中心。这同样没有起到什么作用。
为此，我去婚姻咨询中心抱怨了一年多，花了几千美元，换来的却是比咨询之前更糟的结果，简直是无法忍受了。
我哭过、闹过、咆哮过，绷着脸、撅着嘴，以为他会过来哄我，但我错了。我瘦了下来，在健身房开始吸引男人的目光，这很有诱惑力，但我知道自己不能这么做。于是，我扮演受害者角色、生闷气。这同样不起作用。
当我捧起劳拉・多伊尔的书《投降的妻子》时，我正处于离婚的边缘。学校并不会传授如何经营婚姻，而我生活中的其他女性也不会分享她们的秘诀。
成为一只“依人的小鸟”的6条原则。
放弃对丈夫不恰当的控制；
尊重丈夫的思考方式；
欣然接受丈夫送的礼物，并真诚表达谢意；
表达你的想法，而不是想要控制丈夫；
对丈夫掌管财政大权给予信任；
把关注点放在自我保养和自我实现上。
——资料来源：劳拉・多伊尔，《投降的妻子》
看了这本书，我才发觉自己在婚姻当中的问题，而这也正是我第一段婚姻失败的罪魁祸首。这令我羞愧万分，但也给了我无穷的力量。
之前，我并没有意识到，我对丈夫不尊重，总是在试图控制他，甚至批评他。
我曾经以为自己那样做是有用的，是合乎逻辑的。但我并不知道，尊重对男人来说就像是氧气一样，这也就难怪他对我提不起一点儿性趣。
我永远也忘不了那一天。那天，因为当着孩子们的面，我对他态度粗鲁，我第一次向他道歉。或者，是那天，对于那些我曾固执己见让他做的事，我对他说“这要看你是怎么想的”。
经过我的“精心”打造，老公做任何事之前都会征求我的意见。他连简单的决定都做不了了，为此他在咨询中抱怨了一年。
我放弃了对老公生活、选择和决定的控制，专注于追求自己的幸福。我不再扮演老妈的角色，而更像他的情人。
我们之间的冲突越来越少，老公开始主动拉着我的手，或是给我一个拥吻。
我不知道该如何对自己的幸福负责。但我想，老公应该会给我快乐。
现在，我已经找到了让老公进入性爱佳境的小妙招，这比乞求、哭闹、吼叫好使多了。即使我或他不在状态，我发现，保持开放的态度依然可以获得乐趣。
孩子们也觉察到我和老公之间的变化，结果，他们的行为也变得更好。家里祥和、有趣的氛围又回来了。
经常有女性朋友问，我的方法是不是装聋作哑，或者是成为一个投降的妻子。我会一再重申，我是一个女权主义者。放弃的是改变和控制老公的冲动，收获的将是整个家庭的美好！
（全文顺序有调整）
原文为主人公Kathy Murray接受BBC的一段采访.
原文链接：http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-37861459 （最近BBC的不少链接因“存在诱导分享”，用国内浏览器无法打开）
I am a 'surrendered wife’
Californian Kathy Murray says she saved her marriage by giving up trying to control her husband. Despite considering herself a feminist, she follows - and now teaches others - the approach of a controversial book called The Surrendered Wife, which tells women to stop nagging their partners and start treating them with more respect.
The first time I married I was divorced by 26. I married for the second time at 32 but soon found myself sleeping in the guest room. My husband and I fought all the time.
Much of our fighting stemmed from the fact I thought my husband was clueless when it came to raising the children (we had four children between us aged from four to nine years old). We also quarreled about how to manage our finances, and how often we made love.
I was working full-time as chief finance officer for a private school and also volunteered at my kids' school and in my community. My husband was a sales rep for a construction company but I was the breadwinner and acted like I was in charge.
I didn't tell anyone I was in constant conflict with my husband. I was embarrassed, angry and resentful.
The six principles of being a 'Surrendered Wife'
Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband
Respects her husband's thinking
Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
Relies on him to handle household finances
Focuses on her own self-care and fulfillment
Source: Laura Doyle, author of The Surrendered Wife
My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I'd rage at him over ignoring my needs. I mean all men want sex right? Not my husband. He wanted nothing to do with me. It was awful.
The more I told my husband how he should be, the less he'd try. I couldn't figure it out so I dragged him to marriage counseling. But that only made things worse, so we sent our children to counseling since they too bore the brunt of so much of our conflict. That didn't work either.
So I went to counseling by myself and complained about my husband for more than a year. Spending thousands of dollars, only to find myself nearer divorce than when I started.
I'd cry, fight, yell and pout, thinking he would eventually come around, but he didn't. I lost weight, went to the gym and started getting attention from men which was tempting to act on, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I'd play the victim card and sulk. That didn't work either.
I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.
It was incredibly humbling to recognize that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering.
I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.
I thought I was being helpful and logical. I just didn't know that respect for men is like oxygen, so no wonder my husband was no longer interested in me sexually.
I'll never forget the day I first apologized to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do.
I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counseling that he couldn’t make simple decisions!
I relinquished control of my husband’s life, choices and decisions and instead I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother and started acting like his lover.
We were fighting less and less and my husband started reaching out to hold my hand or pull me in for a kiss.
I had no idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. I thought my husband should make me happy.
I’ve now found subtle ways of getting my husband in the mood for sex, which is far more effective than the days of begging, crying or yelling about wanting it. Even if I’m not in the mood and he is, I often find myself getting in the mood just by being open to receiving pleasure.
My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behavior improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.
Women often ask me if my approach is about dumbing myself down or becoming a submissive wife. I tell them I am a feminist. Surrendering is acknowledging you can’t change or control anyone but yourself. That’s empowering!
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