Recently I’m not in a very good status. It seems you always get stuck with the tight schedules and huge pressure. I like myself in an ordered way however my plans always got ruined.
Every day, if it’s not too late, I’ll take a long walk home and I really enjoyed that moment. Because that’ the only moment that nothing is chasing after you, including the tasks, as well as your own desire and plans. But it’s very weird that sometimes I wanna cry for myself. Actually I don’t know the reason why I wanna cry? I got paid more, and I achieved myself better, but what makes me feel so sad?
Now I got an answer. Part of me was killed by myself. I’m not simple, actually I think I’m a little bit sophisticated. There’s a deep part in me that I only wanna get the inner peace and be isolated from the crowds, and didn’t want to care what’s the standards or opinions of others, and what I want is just enjoying time by reading, painting, writing...but another part of me is urged to achieve myself. I wanna earn more, I wanna prove myself, I’d rather go for something and then give it up, but not wandering if that’s really what I wanted.
I don’t know if I cubed myself, but even if it’s hard and I feel tired, that’s still the choice I made. So I couldn’t blame on the pressure or tight schedule, it’s part of my choice. I couldn’t only choose the sweet part but reject the bitter part. They’re a whole and related with each other.
Maybe it’s not an “either or” way, but you have to think in a philosophical way to have the inner peace. You couldn’t have everything, sometimes you just need to let go. Let go of the things you couldn’t have, and let go of yourself.
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