Two parts of NVC :1.expressing honestly through the four components; 2.receiving empathically through the four components.
NVC process: the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being; how we feel in relation to what we observe; the needs values, desires, etc. that create our feelings; the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives; P30;
Communication that blocks compassion: 1.Moralistic Judgments
that imply wrongness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values. "the problem is that you are too selfish, you are lazy; blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, diagnoses are all judgments.
Our attention is focused on classifying analyzing and determining levels of runners rather than on what weand others need and are not gettingthus if my partner wants more affection than I'm giving her she is needy and dependent. But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is a roof and insensitive. P38 Judging people promote violence.
2. Making comparisons. Comparing yourself with someone Else Will definitely block compassion. Think about what Amadeus Mozart did When he was 12.
3. Denial of responsibility. When we always think other people are responsible for the results. The phrase you make me feel guilty is an example of how language facilities denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts. Such as I had to...
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves. Such as the actions of others group pressure, The dictates of authority.
No choice is a choice.
Other forms of life alienating communication includes communicating our desires as demands, Which comes with. Otherwise blame or punishment.
Another one is certain actions merit reward while others married punishment.
Chapter 3: Observing without Evaluating;
The first component of NVC entails the separation of observationf from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing or touching without mixing in any evaluation.
Even in circumstances of evaluation, it should be based on observations specific to time and context.
comparison of mixed-in examples and observations:
You are too generous; When I see you give all your lunch money to others.
You are too generous; When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous.
confusion of prediction with certainty. If you don't eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired. will=>may.
failure to be specific about referents. Immigrants don't take care of their property. I have not seen the immigrant family living next door clean the snow on their sidewalk.
adjectives and adverbs to lable others: He is a poor soccer player; He hasn't scored a goal in 20 games.
Frequency adverbs (exaggeration): She is always busy. =>I invited her twice for dinner and she was doing her work.
When we combine observation with evaluation, others are amp to hear critisim. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context.
Exercise 1: Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the meeting. 2.My father is a good man. 3.Janice works too much. 4.He often forget to turn off the light. 5.Luke told me I didn't look good in yellow.
Feelings
After observing without evaluating, we focus on expression of our feelings.
the society tends to discourage us from manifesting emotions, and the toll is severe when members are unable to communicate emotions. Teachers and parents say stuff like "big boys don't get frightened." Don't cry like a baby.
example of not expressing feelings: a college students who often got awake by a roommate who played the stereo late at night. "I feel it isn't right to play music so loud at night. this is an opinion, not a feeling. a feeling could be frustrated. feel /=think,
distinguish feelings from thoughts, distinguish
1.what we feel and what we think
2.what we feel about others and how we think.
counterexample: I feel unimportant should be discouraged.
I feel misunderstand, ignored. should be anxious. or either relief or hurt.
Not feelings but interpretation: abandoned, betrayed, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, unsupported, ....
Vocabulary for feelings: amazed, cheerful, glad, grateful, hopeful, inspired, proud, relaxed, warm
Feelings for unmet: afraid, angry, annoyed, ashamed, disappointed, disturbed, embarrassed, frustrated, guilty, jealous, lonely, nervous, skeptical, sleepy, uncomfortable, upset
EXERCISE: 1. I feel you don't love me. 2. I feel scred when you say that. 3.I feel neglected when you don't say hi. 4.I feel like hitting you.
Chapter 5: Taking responsibility for our feelings.
Nbc heightens our awareness that's what others say and do you may be the stimulus but never the cause of our feelings. We should accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
4 responses to hearing anegative message: 1. blame ourselves; 2. blame others; 3.sense our feelings and needs; 4. sense others' feelings and needs.
example: You disappointed me by not coming over last night. I was disappointed when you didn't come overm because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.
Speech patterns that masks accountability for our own feelings: 1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that; 2.The use of the expression "I feel .. because you/he/she...". 3. Statmens that only mention the actions of others.
Connect your feeling with your need: "I feel...because I need...", so when a mom says "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food
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