第一讲：如何描写玩具屋

原文

when dear old Mrs. Hay went back to town after staying with the Burnells she went the children a doll's house. It was so big that the carter and Pat carried it into the courtyard , and there it stayed, popped up on two woooden boxes besides the feed-room door. No harm colud come to it; it was summer. And perhaps the smell of the paint would have gone off by the time it had to be taken in. For, really , the smell of the paint coming from that doll's house ('Sweet of old Mrs.Hay, of course; most sweet and generous!')——but the smell of paint was quite enough to make any one seriously ill, in Aunt Beryl's opinion. Even before the sacking was taken off. And when it was…

There stood the dool's house, a dark, oily, spinnack green, picked out with bright yellow .

作者翻译

亲爱的老黑伊夫人在伯内尔家小住之后，回到城里，就给孩子们送来了一座玩具屋。玩具屋很大，马车夫和派特两人只得将它抬到院子里，架在饲料屋旁两只木头箱子上，就这样搁着了。正值夏天，玩具屋不会损坏，等到它必须被搬进屋子时，它的漆味也该散尽了。确实，玩具屋散发出一股油漆味（“好心的老黑伊夫人，真的，很亲切很慷慨！”）——但照贝莉尔阿姨的说法，这股油漆味谁闻了都觉得恶心，即使没打开麻袋都已经如此，当它一打开时……

玩具屋就站在那儿了！黝黑，油亮，菠菜似的绿色，上面杂有黄亮的间错。

我的翻译：

Hay 夫人从乡下回来后，陪了Burnells 一会儿，转身来到孩子们的玩具屋。它太大了，Carter 和 Pat 索性将其搬进了院子。它竖在那里，除了一个进食的门，还有两个拉出的木盒。夏天没有人破坏它。等到屋子没有油漆的气味，它被抬进了室内。可爱的Hay夫人说玩具屋内的气味不错，可Beryl 阿姨认为，这么强烈的异味很容易使人生病。即使在莫布袋拿去之前。

彩色的玩具屋仍然矗立在那里。黑色的，油光闪闪，绿色的， 还有刺眼的黄色。

自评：

• 看王文兴在课堂上的提问，觉得他是课堂上的导演。玩具屋有多大？夏天和损害玩具屋有什么关系？气味如何？颜色的顺序为甚么是这样子？……一大通问题解答下来，整篇文章读来有玲珑剔透之感。

• 两段文章收尾结合很巧妙，开阖兼顾，前后丰富。

• 阳老说写作之难难在逻辑、文采、故事。可否从这三个角度来分析两者翻译的差异？