Julie Lythcott-Haims 拔苗未必能助长_腾讯视频
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麻麻也成长（chenanan2015）原创首发
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导读：
陪伴小孩成长的过程中，作为父母的我们都会不可避免地想要去帮小孩清理掉周边的荆棘，以确保他们能在无忧无虑的环境中成长。同时尽职地履行“陪伴”的责任。但陪伴的真正意义是什么呢？（文末给你讲个小故事）
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1
You know I didn’t set out to be a parenting expert.
我并不打算成为育儿专家。
In fact, I’m not very interested in parenting,per se.
事实上我对育儿本身也不感兴趣。
It’s just that there’s a certain style ofparenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances todevelop into themselves.
是因为最近有某种不利于孩子成长的育儿风格的出现，而且阻碍了孩子们发展自己的机会。
There’s certain style of parenting thesedays that’s getting in the way.
某种育儿风格的出现正在阻碍着孩子的成长。
I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lotof time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in thelives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.
各位，我要说的是，我们花了大量时间在关心那些没有足够参与孩子生活中、教育中或者抚养中的父母。确实，也理应如此。
But at the other end of spectrum, there’slot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t besuccessful, unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn andhovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering theirkid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
但是从另外一个极端来说，这样做会有很多坏处。父母认为他们的孩子不会成功，除非有父母在小孩子每次遇到问题和犹豫不决时出面保护和阻止，管头管脚地监控每个时刻，掌控着孩子从对大学社团到对职业的选择。
When we raise kidsthis way, and I’ll say we, beause Lord knows, in raising my two tennageers, I’vehad these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklistedchildhood.
当我们以这种方式教育小孩，我们就会这样说，（我为什么这么说）因为上帝知道，我在培育我的两个小孩时就曾这种带入自我的倾向，小孩最终形成了一种清单式的童年。
And here’s what the checklisted childhoodlooks like.
清单式童年是这样的。
We keep them safe and sound and fed andwater, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they’rein the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right gradesin the right classes in the right schools.
我们保证孩子们安然无恙和吃饱喝足，然后我们想要确保他们上好学校，在那所学校上到好的班级，在好学校的好班级获得好成绩。
Not just the grades and scores, but theaccolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership.
不仅仅是成绩和分数，而且更多是在运动，领导力方面获得的表扬和奖项。
We tell our kids, don’t just join a club,stat a club, because colleges want to see that.
我们告诉我们的孩子，不要加入俱乐部，自己创建一个俱乐部，因为大学想要看到这个。
And check the box for community service. Imean, show the colleges you care about others.
并且，检查你的信箱里关于社区服务的信息。我的意思是，展示给大学看：你（除了学业外）还关心别的。
And all of this is done to some hoped-fordegree of perfection.
所有这些，都是为了达到某种完美程度的期望值。
We expect our kids to perform at a level ofperfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so muchis required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with everyteacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid’s conciergeand personal handler and secretary.
我们期待我们的孩子表现出一定程度的完美，因为我们认为这样做太必要了。但我们从未要求自己去做到。我们曾与每一位老师、校长、教练、裁判员理论过，表现得像是小孩的看门人，私人管家和秘书。
And then with our kids, our precious kids,we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging asthe case may be, to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, notruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of collegesthat deny almost every applicant.
当跟我们最爱的小孩在一起时，我们花大量时间在某些事情上催促、哄骗、暗示、帮助、争论、唠叨。以确保他们不会搞砸了、或者不关门、或者毁了他们的未来。以确保他们进入期望中的，几乎拒绝每位申请人的，只有极少数人能够申请进入的大学。
And here’s what if feels like to be a kidin this checklisted childhood.
2
以下就是过着清单式童年的小孩的感受。
First of all, there’s no time for freeplay.
首先是，没有时间自由玩耍
There’s no room in the afternoons, because everythinghas to be enriching, we think.
下午没有多余的时间，因为每件事都需要很充实。
It’s as if every piece of homework, everyquiz, every activity is a make-or-break for this future we have in mind forthem, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolvethem of getting enough sleep as long as they’re checking off the items on theirchecklist.
就好像每一份作业，每一次课堂小考，每项活动，在我们的脑海中，对他们的未来来说，都是不成则败的。我们不用他们在家里帮忙，甚至我们允许他们有充足的睡眠，只要他们完成了他们清单上的事情。
And in the checklisted childhood, we say wejust want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we askabout all too often first is their homework and their grades.
对于清单式的童年，我们说我们只想他们快乐，但是当他们从学校回家，我们第一时间都是问他们的功课和成绩。
And they see in our faces that ourapproval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A’S.
他们从我们的脸上看到认可和爱，拿到A时是非常有价值的。
And then we walk alongside them and offerclucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster dog show—coaxing them to justjump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.
于是我们走在他们身边，给予他们咯咯的表扬，像西敏市犬展里的训练员一样，哄他们跳得更高和飞得更远。
And when they got to high school, they don’tsay,” well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?”
当他们上了高中，他们不会说：“好吧，要是我对学习或者做某些事情感兴趣呢？”
They go to counselors and they say,” whatdo I need to do to get into the right college?”
他们会找到顾问并说，要上到好的大学我需要做点什么呢？
And then, when the grades start to roll inin high school, and they’re getting some B’S, or God forbid some C’s, theyfrantically text their friends and say,” Has anyone ever gotten into the rightcollege with these grades”
然后，当他们高中成绩出现波动，拿到的是B或者C时，他们火急火燎地发短信给他们的朋友并说道：“有人以这种成绩上到好的大学吗？”
And our kids, regardless of where they endup at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little brittle. They’rea little burned out.
我们的小孩，不管他们从哪所高中毕业，他们都会觉得喘不过气来，容易生气，甚至有点筋疲力尽了。
They’re a little old before their time,wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said,” what you’ve done is enough,this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.”
当他们长大了一些，并希望大人们说：“你所做的已经足够了，你童年付出的努力已经足够了。”
And they’re withering now under high ratesof anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life everturn out to have been worth it?
在这种高度不安和沮丧下，他们正在凋谢。其中一些人想要知道，这样的人生值得吗？
Well, we parents, we parents are prettysure it’s all worth it.
我们的父母非常确定这样做是值得的。
We seem to behave—it’s like we literallythink they will have no future if they don’t get into one of these tiny set ofcolleges or careers we have in mind for them.
作为父母我们似乎表现得像是孩子们要是不能上大学或者做某种职业就不会有未来一样。
Or maybe, maybe, we’re just afraid they won’thave a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backsof our cars.
或者也许，作为父母的我们害怕孩子们没有我们可以向朋友吹嘘的未来，或者可以贴在我们车后面的标签一样。
But if you look at what we’ve done, if you havethe courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids thinktheir worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up insidetheir precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of themovie” Being John Malkovich”, we send our children the message: “Hey kid, I don’tthink you can actually achieve any of this without me.”
但假如你看看你所做的，如果你真有勇气看的话，你会发现小孩子认为他们的价值不仅仅来源于成绩和分数，而是作为父母的我们一直存在于他们珍贵的、正在形成的思想中。就像电影《约翰马尔科维奇》一样，他们也在演出自己的版本。我们向小孩传递这样的信息：嘿，孩子，我认为你要有我时时帮助你才能完成这些。
And so with our over help, ouroverprotection and over direction and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of thechance to building self-efficacy, which is really fundamental tenet of thehuman psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time weapplaud.
所以，有了我们的过度帮忙，过度保护，过度指导，和手把手教导，我们剥夺了孩子建立自我效能感的机会，它是心理结构的基本原则，比我们每次喝彩得到的自尊重要得多。
Self-efficacy is built when one sees thatone’s own actions lead to outcomes, not—There you go.
自我效能感建立在一个人看到自己行为导致的结果时，如果得到的结果是否定的话，他们也从中学到了一些知识。（对自己行为导致的结果负100%的责任）
Not one’s parents’ actions onone’s behalf, but when one’s own actions lead to outcomes.
并不是一个父母的行为代表着某人，而是一个人的行为会导致某种结果。
So simply put, if our children are todevelop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more ofthinking.
所以简单来说，如果我们的小孩在建立自我效能感，那么他们必须做出更全面的思考。
Planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping,trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.
计划、决定、行动、希望、应对、试错、梦想和经历属于他们自己的人生。
Now, am I saying every kid is hard-workingand motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in theirlives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.
现在，我要说的是，每个孩子都是很用功，很有上进心的，不需要父母的参与或对他们的人生感兴趣，那么，父母们只需要往后退，并且放手任其发展吗？显然不是！
That is not what I’m saying. What I’msaying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as thepurpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tinynumber of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that’s toonarrow a definition of success for our kids.
这不是我说的。我要说的是，当我们把成绩和分数、荣誉和奖项作为小孩童年的目的，寄予希望他们能进入为数不多的大学或者获取某个职位时，那么这种定义小孩成败的方式就太狭隘了。
And even though we might help them achievesome short-term wins by over helping like they get a better grade if we helpthem to do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resumewhen we help- what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost totheir sense of self.
尽管我们通过过度帮忙实现了他们的短期胜利，就像我们协助他们做作业可以拿到更高分。在我们的协助下，他们可能会以更长的童年履历结束（指人生中经历更长的童年时期）。我想说的是，所有这些长期的代价，需基于自我意识。
What I’m saying is, we should be lessconcerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to ormight get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset,the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
我想说的是，我们需要在他们可能会申请哪所大学方面给予更少的关注。而是参与和给予更多的关注在他们形成的习惯、心态、技能组合、健康，这些无论他们去到哪儿都能成功的能力。
3
What I’m saying is, our kids need us to bea little less obsessed with grades and scores and whole lot more interested inchildhood providing a foundation for their success built on thing like love andchores.
我想说的是，我们的小孩需要我们对他们的成绩和分数少一点关注，对他们的童年更感兴趣一些，为他们的成功提供基础，并且是建立在爱和家务活上。
Did I just say chores? Did I just saychores? I really did.
我说家务活了吗？我说家务活了吗？是的，我说了。
But really, here’s why.
原因如下：
The longest longitudinal study of humansever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study.
哈佛格兰特研究是有史以来最长的纵向人类学研究。
It found that professional success in life,which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comesfrom having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, thata roll-up-your-sleeves.
研究表明，生活中的职业成功（就是我们想要孩子们得到的成功），这种职业成功是来自于小孩子从小做家务，越早开始越好，挽起袖子开始做吧。
And pitch in mindset, a mindset that says,there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me, amindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,that that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.
投入一种心态。这种心态是指，总有些人要去做一些看起来不那么光鲜的工作，这个人可能就是我自己。这种心态意味着，我将贡献我的努力作出改善。这点会使你在职场中遥遥领先。
Now, we all know this. You know this.
现在我们都知道这点了，你也知道了。
We all know this, and yet, in thechecklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores aroundthe house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waitingfor a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking theimpulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around andwonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?
我们都知道这点了，然后在清单式的童年中，我们不用小孩做家务，他们最终成为职场中的年轻人，仍旧等待着清单，但它并不存在，更重要的是，他们缺乏这种能让他们卷起衣袖贡献一份力量的本能冲动。环顾四周，想想，对我的同事来说，我怎么样才能有用？
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to whatmy boss might need?
我怎么能提前预测几步知道老板需要什么？
A second very important finding from theHarvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love ofwork, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
哈佛格兰特研究中心第二个非常重要的发现时，生活的快乐来源于爱，不是爱工作，而是人与人之间的爱：我们的配偶、搭档、朋友、家人。
So childhood need to teach our kids how tolove, and they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and theywon’t love themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.
因此从小需要教育我们的小孩如何去爱，如果不先学会爱上自己，就不会爱别人，如果我们没有提供给他们无条件的爱，他们也无法学会爱自己。
Right. And so, instead of being obsessedwith grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or wecome home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, andlook them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we seeour child for the first time in a few hours.
因此，与其沉迷于成绩和分数，当我们最爱的小孩放学回家时，或者我们下班回家，我们需要关闭设备，放下手机，看着他们的眼睛，当他们放学回家的第一时间，在我们看到他们的几个小时里，让他们看到我们满脸的快乐。
And then we have to say,” How was your day?What did you like about today?”
我们应该说，你今天过得怎么样？今天你喜欢的事情是什么？
And when your teenage daughter says,”Lunch,” like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, youhave to still have an interest in lunch.
这时你女儿说：“午餐”。和我一样，我想听的是数学测验而不是午餐。你仍应该把注意力放在午餐上。
You gotta say,” What was great about lunchtoday?”
你说：“今天的午餐好在哪里啊？”
They need to know they matter to us ashumans, not because of their GPA.
他们需要知道，他们对你来说很重要，而并非他们的平均成绩对你来说很重要。
All right, so you’re thinking, chores andlove, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.
现在，你正在想着家务和爱，这听起来不错，但让我休息一下。
The colleges want to see top scores andgrades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sore of.
大学想要看到高分数和好成绩，以及荣誉奖项。我想说，在一定程度上是的。
The very biggest brand-name schools areasking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news.
最有名的大学会问年轻人（分数和成绩怎么样？）但这里有好消息。
Contrary to what the college rankingsracket would have us believe you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brandname schools to be happy and successful in life.
相反美国大学排行榜让我们相信，你不一定非要去最有名的其中一所大学才算得上快乐和成功。
Happy and successful people went to stateschool, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college,went to a college over here and flunked out.
快乐和成功的人们去公立学校，去一些没人听过的大学，去社区大学。
The evidence is in this room, is in ourcommunities, that this is the truth.
证据就在我们此刻我演讲的这间屋里，就在我们的社区，这是事实。
And if we could widen our blinders and bewilling to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from theequation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardlythe end of the world, if our kids don’t go to the one of those big brand-nameschools.
如果我们可以拓宽眼界，并乐意多看几个大学，也许能从这种情况中消除自我，我们可以接受这个事实，并意识到，如果我们的小孩不能上其中一所名牌大学，这不是世界末日。
And more importantly, if their childhoodhas not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get tocollege, whatever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their ownvolition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
然而更重要的是，如果他们的童年不是遵循残暴的清单，那么当他们上了大学，无论哪一所大学，他们是凭借着他们的意志力上到（那所大学），由他们自己的渴望促成，有能力茁壮成长。
I have to admit something to you. I’ve gottwo kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.
我不得不向你们承认，我有两个之前提到过的小孩，索耶和艾佛利。
They’re teenagers. And once upon a time, Ithink I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like bonsai trees- that I was going tocarefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of human that mightjust be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selectivecolleges.
他们是青少年时，曾几何时，我认为我对待索耶和艾佛利像小盆景树，我要仔细修剪，将他们塑造成人类的完美形式。可能只是足够完美地保证他们进入其中一所名牌大学。
But I’ve come to realize, after workingwith thousands of other people’s kids and raising two kids of my own, my kidsaren’t bonsai tress.
但在与成千上万的孩子一起工作，并且自己培育着两个小孩时，我意识到，我的小孩不是盆景树。
They’re wildflowers of an unknown genus andspecies- and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthenthem through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive loveand the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.
他们是未知物种的野花，我的工作是提供营养丰富的环境，从家务活和爱他们中，让他们变得更加坚强，因此他们能爱别人并接受到爱。对于大学、专业、职业，这取决于他们自己。
My job is not to make them become what Iwould have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
我的工作不是使他们成为我所想的模样，而是支持他们成为最好的自己。
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结束语：
看完视频，无不震撼。毫不夸张地说，中国几乎99%的小孩都生活在清单式的童年中。读哪所学校？看什么课外书？跟什么人结交朋友？如何与朋友相处？报哪个志愿？读哪所大学？买哪件衣服？每天该吃什么，不该吃什么？该不该要小孩？什么时候结婚？要不要辞职？该做主时孩子没想法，父母乱插手。
前不久见到亲戚，她说小妹在X国留学，本科马上学完，不知道要不要继续读硕士，抑或是回来工作？便来问我，请我帮忙出出主意。我于是问小妹怎么想？亲戚说，她也不知道。不知道是不是要继续学下去，毕业后要做什么不知道，回不回国也没想法。一个人如果一直活在别人的安排和期待下，总有一天会后悔吧。我于是跟亲戚讲，请她自己去社会上闯一闯，看看自己处在社会中的什么位置，至于未来，还是问她自己的内心吧。已经大学毕业了，做父母的不要再插手孩子的人生了，还他们一个独立思考和对自己行为承担百分之百责任的能力吧。
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