＂爸爸＂

我望着红柳丛中跳出的那只野兔，抬起双筒猎枪，向着兔子头前2cm处扣动了扳机。

砰！那兔子空中一跳，落下后在地上停了片刻，又奔了起来。

叔叔，我打中了！

我兴奋地朝着离我不远的中年人叫了起来。

那是1974年的冬季，那年我不到18岁。叔叔是父亲的好友，性夏，朝鲜战争退伍兵。他生长在小兴安地区，从小喜欢打猎。参军后当了汽车兵，奔波在漫长供给线上。常常是夜行日躲，绕过地上的弹坑，顶着头上的飞机与敌人捉迷藏。

父亲从上海支边去了新疆，文革时又到了天山脚下的一个叫天龙钢铁厂的地方，和夏叔叔成为同事好友，夏叔叔时任工厂的供销科长。

工厂位于大山的河流出口，进山有雪鸡和黑熊，下戈壁有黄羊和免。他的足迹跑遍了天山南北，哈萨克牧民的帐篷是他常休脚的家。文革中工厂停工，他是三块纲板（贫下中农，复转军人，共产党员)，是远近有名的猎手夏。他家中有杆双筒猎枪。因为他，我家的歺桌上时不时会有鹿肉，野鸡和黑瞎子肉。

后来我下了乡，上了大学，成了家。夏叔叔成了我的岳父，我应该叫他爸。

可是这＂爸爸＂字一直出不了嘴。90年代初我在蛇口，他退休后来家中居住。闲不住的他走遍了四处的水塘海滩，他用钓来的鱼塞满了家里的冰箱。记得有一天他学着渔民，蹬块木板在海边泥滩去摸牡蛎，吓得我在岸边为他担心，可＂爸爸＂二字到口边又咽了进肚子，出来的是声高亢的＂哎.…＂

岳母去世早，岳父帮我们接孩子，做饭。他喜欢吃肉，我很担心他的身体。那天晚上，他在火中炖着猪蹄，靠在沙发看着电视，急然间身体侧在一边，手脚不能协调。我从六楼背着他85公斤以上的体重，一路送到医院急诊。好在是轻度中风，抢救及时，很快恢复了正常。2000年我们来了加拿大，岳父回了新疆，那里有他二个女儿。

岳父去世那天，我没能在他身旁，＂爸爸＂二字，也成了他一生的缺失和我心中永远的遗憾。

2019年的年底，多伦多的女儿打电话来，告诉我，周末她会同男朋友Paul去蓝山看风景，顺路来看我。

女儿多大学土木工程，毕业后单身多年，让我掛念。一次舞会上认识了滑铁卢学计算机专业Paul，两人之间相处也有一年有余，父亲的过问太多，有种逼婚的嫌疑。那天大家一起吃过午饭，女儿、男朋友和我三人去了湖边散步。湖水在深秋的阳光下中绽放着五彩，风中送来丝丝寒意。在一棵高大的枫树下，Paul停住了脚步，右手的五指扣着女儿的五指，脸冲着我，欲言又止。我望着那双蓝色的眼睛，被他的目光深深地打动。

＂爸爸! 他停顿一下说，我有事要说。If you agree we had engaged yesterday .

那一刻，我的眼泪模糊了我的视线, Sure! 我说。

女儿十四岁来加拿大。八年级那年我去开家长会，语文老师夸她作文很有思想，写的很好。我问老师她写的是什么。代沟，她说。在女儿的眼里，我们这出生在50年代的人，种种观念早已成为过去式。我开始反思。从我父辈们＂哪里艰苦哪安家，打起背包就出发＂，到我们一代开始玩世不恭，寻找擦边球，女儿一代人则思考着文化民族和制度的差别，再到女儿一代，正处在一个科技改变世界的时代。

女儿说，Paul 知道我要回国，怕时间太长，提前了求婚的仪式。

2020年的金秋，两人走进了婚姻殿堂。Pual 的母亲苏格兰人，父亲乌克兰人，Pual 出生在加拿大。父亲工程师，母亲医师，他们很喜欢女儿。那天两家亲人一起见证了新人的牵手。在极具仪式感的婚礼上，Paul穿上了中式的唐装，一声爸爸后跪拜高堂。那一刻，我心中如五味瓶打翻。

为什么＂爸爸＂二个字在我嘴里说出是那么难？Paul的一句＂爸爸＂似乎一下子完成了时代和文化的跨越。

英文/zhouquan

I pointed at the hare that jumped out of the red willow bushes with a shotgun in my hand about 2cm before the hare’s head.

Ban！as I pulled the trigger , It jumped in the air, then hit the body against the ground, stopped for a while and ran again.

Uncle, I got it!

I yelled with excitement .  A middle-aged man , I called Uncle, was not far from me.

That was the winter of 1974, and I was under 18 .

Uncle Xia is a good friend of my father, a Korean War veteran.  He is from Xiaoxinan ,  (China North East Juggle mountains) and likes wild game since childhood.  He was once a military driver , driving car in The Korean War , fighting on the supply line, often at crossing over the bombed roads in the dark, playing hide and seek with the enemy  planes head over like games.

My father was a volunteer from from Shanghai , answered the calling of building Xinjiang in later 60s. Both  father and uncle Xia  settled down in a place called Tianlong Iron plan , at the foot of the Tianshan Mountains, and they became good friends. My father was the director executive while  Uncle Xia was in charge of  factory's supply.

Up the Mountains , there have Snow chickens and wild bear, and down the Gobi have rabies bovidaes（a kind of wild dear) and Uncle Xia had put his footsteps all over the pups and downs , made those tents of Kazakh his game resting Inns as well.

During the Cultural Revolution, factories were shut down, but with triple brands (poor lower-middle peasant, veteran, communist member), he was a free as a famous hunter . He had a double-barreled shotgun , from time to time , I found some wild delicious meats on my family table , that was shared from Umcle Xia.

I went to the countryside, then to university, and settled down a family not long after, Uncle Xia became my father-in-law, but the word "Baba" never been uttered out from me.

In the early 90s, Uncle Xia come and lived with us after his retirement in Shekou , where He hated to stay all day home and liked to walk around beaches, and ponds , he continued to fill the refrigerator with all kinds fish he caught .  I remember that one day he was pedaling a wooden board , learned from local fishermen, trying to touch oysters in the mudflat by the sea. Seeing his moving body, I was so scared he might fall in the mud , but the word "Baba" stopped before out again, only a big shouting  "Hey..." instead.

My mother-in-law passed away early, and Uncle Xia helped us pick up two kids cook for us.  He likes to eat meat that worried me a lot . One night, while simmering pig's feet in the fire, he was leaning on the sofa and watching the TV. Then I found he leaned anxiously to one side, his hands and feet could not coordinate well.

I carried him ,over 85 kilograms , from the sixth floor building all the way to the emergency . Fortunately, with a mild stroke, the rescue was timely and he returned to normal.  As we coming to Canada In 2000, he went back to Xinjiang staying with his other two daughters.

I wouldn’t made it the day of his pass away, not  able to call him Baba either , that was the eternal regrets in the hearts of both him and me.

.....

In later Autumn 2019, my daughter, Dan in Toronto called and told me that she would go to the Blue Mountains to see the scenery with her boyfriend Paul on the weekend and come to see me on the way.

My daughter , Daniela , in a civil engineer from UfT , and still single after her graduation, that make worried. After meeting Paul from computer science of Waterloo at a dance party, they got along for a year or two. As a farther I didn’t push , but with a great expecting .

After lunch that day , Daniela , Paul and me went for a walk by the lake nearby. The water is full of colors reflecting the beauty of late Autumn, the nice wind with bit of chill made me flesh. Under a tall maple tree, Paul stopped, his fingers clasped hers , he stopped and turned towards me. I would feel his blue eyes gazing with deep emotions.

＂Baba! ＂He said .

I’ve got something to ask ，Pual pause for a while , the said , If would you agree we had engaged yesterday.

That moment, my tears blurred my vision, Sure ! I said.

My daughter came to Canada at the age of fourteen.  In the eighth grade, I attended  a parent-teacher meeting, and a Livery teacher praised her for being thoughtful and writing well.  I asked the teacher what she wrote.  Generation gap, she said. 

In the eyes of my daughter, my generation of 1950s, has a great  concepts view apart from hers . I began to think , maybe the my  fathers answering the call to go and settle down wherever it is  whiles  we got start to be cynical, but the daughters are thinking about the differences between cultures, nations and systems. They are in an era where technology changes the world.

The daughter told me when Paul learned that I was going back to China, he was afraid to miss the right  time , so he proposed the engage ahead before I gone .

In the golden autumn of 2020, the young couple got married

Pual's mother from Scottish and his father Ukrainian, Pual was born in Canada.  An engineer farther  &  doctor mother mother , they both like Daniela very much.  In that specials day, two families witnessed their happy kids hand in hand.  In the very ceremonial wedding, Paul put on a Chinese Tang suit, and needing down to me .  That moment, like mass up the bottle of  five-flavors in my heart all over.

Why  was  the word "Baba" so hard to say from me? 

Paul's "Baba" seems to have completed the leap of times and cultures difference all at once.