I plug my headphones into my retro tape deck and put them on. I add my new finds and sort through the rest of my eclectic collection of cassettes: Nirvana, Dolly Parton, Cheap Trick, bands and artists I only know thanks to my thrift store finds. I settle on Cheap Trick and jam it in, and let the guitar overtake the voices.
把耳机插到我的复古录音机并戴上。这次又添了新收藏，于是我就这些各式各样精选的磁带收藏翻整了一遍：Nirvana, Dolly Parton, Cheap Trick ，多谢了我从二手店淘来的收藏，才认识到了这些歌手和乐队。我选中Cheap Trick，就放它了，就让这吉他声盖过争吵吧。
Dad wants to be one of them. The astronauts, that is. Way more than he wants to be who he is now—an air force pilot turned commercial air pilot who wants to ditch the 747 for a spaceship. NASA announced they’d be hiring the final five astronauts for the Orpheus project. He applied months ago, when most of the spots had already been taken up.
我父亲想成为他们中的一员，想成为一名宇航员。这远比他现在的身份更吸引他——前空军飞行员转商用飞行员，现在他又要为了航天飞船抛弃波音747。而NASA宣布他们将为奥菲厄斯项目招募最后五名宇航员，我父亲是在几月前作的申请，可位置已经被占得差不多了。
I didn’t have the heart to talk to him about his chances. I covered them all in my reports: one of the new recruits was an astrophysicist with a social media following nearing Kardashian levels, another a geologist/marine biologist who’d won two Oscars for her documentaries and even a Grammy for a spirited reading of her audiobook—which was a bestseller, of course. And those weren’t the most impressive ones.
Dad’s a good pilot, I’m sure, but he’s not like them.
我不忍心就他成功的可能性做谈论。但我在报道中都对那些被选中的宇航员做了分析：新晋成员中的一个是拥有着卡戴珊级别粉丝数的天体物理学家；另一个是地质学家兼海洋生物学家，凭着她的纪实影片赢得了两座奥斯卡奖，甚至还因着她情绪丰沛的有声读物得来了一座格莱美奖——当之无愧的畅销书作家。而这些还都不算最突出的入选者。
我的父亲是一名优秀的飞行员，毋庸置疑，但他还不够他们那么优秀。
He’s angry. Impatient. Surly. Okay, I’m not painting him in the best light. I mean, he is an okay dad in other ways —he’s super smart and gives killer advice on my calc homework. But it’s like everything my mom says hurts him like a physical attack. He snaps back, which triggers my mom’s anxiety. Their fighting isn’t camera ready. It’s messy, it’s real, in a way that’s too raw to be captured by a camera.
他依然在愤怒，不耐烦，态度粗暴。好吧，我的确没用一种好的方式来形容他。我的意思是，他是一位合格的父亲——他人非常聪明，并且能对我的计算课业给出关键性意见。但到了他们两之间，我妈说的每句话就都能对他造成物理性的伤害。于是他回避，这又引起了我妈的焦躁。他们的争吵不是预设好了的，而是混乱的，真实的，要制作成影片的话还太过粗糙。
If they can’t put on a show for me—at least pretend that everything’s okay, like Deb’s parents do—how can they put on a show for the world?
如果他们不能为了我而演得关系和睦些——至少得像黛博父母一样装得像一切都还好吧——那又怎么向整个世界假装出来？
I get through a few tracks while I sit on the floor and close my eyes. There’s nothing else but the music. And a few cars beeping outside. Okay, more than a few. This is Brooklyn, after all.
我坐在地板上闭着眼睛听着歌。世界纯净得只剩音乐。以及几声汽车鸣笛声。嗯，好吧，不止是几声。这就是布鲁克林了。
After a while, a calmness pours over me, drowning out the fear. I feel … at peace. Alone and no longer worried about my future plans. Not worried about the BuzzFeed internship I start next week. Not worried about the hundreds of messages in my inbox—replies to the weekly Cal Letter (I couldn’t think of a clever name, don’t judge)—where I link to my videos along with important news stories, geared toward those who give a shit about the world.
过了一会儿，一股宁静之力充实了我，淹没了恐惧。我终于感到了平和。静静独处着，不去担忧我的未来计划；不去担忧我下周在BuzzFeed新闻聚合网站上的实习期播送事宜；不去担忧那些未读的上百条信息——都是回复我的每周卡尔信件的（我取不出一个合适的名字，别笑我）——都链接到了我的视频和重要新闻报道，目标群体是那些还关心这世界的人们。
I think about these things, but I’m able to push them out of my mind for a few minutes, then a few more, until I have to get up and switch cassettes. The tension in my chest eases. It’s meditation. For me, it’s the most effective self-care system in the world.
我总是想着这些事，倒也还是能将他们从头脑中清除出去几分钟，再安宁一会儿，直到我必须起身换磁带。在这宁静中我胸口的紧张感得到了舒缓。这事儿就是冥想。对我来说，这是世上自我修复的最高效的方式。
That is, until I hear a knock.
一切安宁，直到我听到一声敲门声
Through noise-canceling headphones and blasted music, I hear it. Which means it’s less of a knock and more of a pound, but regardless, I take off my headphones and shout, “Yeah?”
透过降噪耳机和饱满的音乐声，我还是听到了。这说明，这可不能算做敲门了，得说是砸门了，不管怎样，我还是取下了我的耳机并大声叫道，“什么事？”
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