分手的三个步骤

3 Steps to Breaking Up With Someone

分手的三个步骤

作者：John Kim

翻译：章非（仅用于语言欣赏和分享，版权属于原作者，请勿擅自转载或者用作其他途径，否则责任自负）

Q:You often speak about identifying when a relationship has expired and moving on. I was wondering if you have an opinion on the best way to do that. More so, what is the proper balance when you are telling someone that you are moving on? When you care about someone, the last thing you want is for them to think that you have not given the decision the proper amount of thought and consideration. I find myself wanting to "make a case" for why I have made my decision, but then I probably end up making the other person feel worse. On the other hand, it seems cruel to break it off without any explanation. What are your thoughts on how to most gracefully find that balance?

问：你经常会说，当爱已成往事，你要明确地提出分手。我想知道你是否有个特好的办法去做这件事儿？重要的是，当你要跟别人分手时，怎么做才能恰如其分？当你关心某个人时，你最不想做的就是让他们认为你没有深思熟虑。我发现自己想找到“一个合适的理由”来说明为什么我作出了这样的决定，但我最终可能让对方感觉更糟了。另一方面，如果不做任何解释就分手又显得那么冷酷无情。如何最温文尔雅地、用恰当的方法提出分手，你有什么看法？

A: Great question. I think there are many factors to consider when terminating a relationship. But break up "balance" will vary depending on if you've been dating someone for a few months or if you're engaged to someone you've been with for six years and you guys live together.

答：这是一个很好的问题，我认为终止一段亲密关系是有很多因素需要考虑的，但是分手的“恰当方式”取决于你是跟对方才约会了几个月时间还是你们都订婚六年了，而且一直住在一起。

When I read questions, I look for red flags. The red flag for me in your question is when you said "making a case". I think that's an unhealthy mindset.

当我在看问题的时候，我喜欢找到关键信号。我在你的问题上看到的关键信号是：你说你要找到“一个最合适的理由”，我认为这是一种不健康的心态。

There is no case. There is only truth, how you feel and where you're at.

压根没有什么最合适的理由，这只不过是现实而已，你的感受告诉你就是这么回事儿。

And yes, I don't think anyone should ever break things off without any explanation. That's not fair. That's fear Okay, so back to how to break up with someone.

但是同时，我也不认为任何人就可以不做任何解释就去分手，这是不公平的。这是一个很让人害怕的事儿好吗， 所以回到如何与某人分手这个问题上来。

1. Make sure you're done before you say you're done.

1、在你说你要分手时，要确保这是你真正的意愿。

You said you're concerned they may think you haven't given it the proper thought. It shouldn't be a concern if you really did give it proper thought. And that's how you should start. By telling him that you've given this a lot of thought and it's not a snap decision. Many start these conversations without putting enough thought into the decision and they end up confusing the shit out of people and crippling the relationship. If you're not sure, talk to a therapist or life coach and process it to make sure. You can discuss it with friends but friends are biased.It's always better to process with a neutral party who can ask you the right questions.

你说你担心对方可能会认为你没有深思熟虑， 如果你真的认真思考了就不应该有这方面的顾虑。并且这恰恰是你讲述决定的开始：通过告诉对方你已经好好地想过了，这不是一个草率的决定。许多人开始告知对方的时候并没有进行深入的思考，最终导致了对方的迷惑和关系的恶化。如果你不确定，请和你的心理咨询师或者生活导师讨论这件事，以确保你的决定是正确的。 你还可以与你的朋友们讨论一下，但朋友的意见往往有失偏颇，所以最好你能找到一个意见中肯的人来告诉你什么是正确的决定。

2. Once you know you're done and you're ready to move on, sit down with the person and have an honest conversation.

2、一旦你确定这是你真正的意愿并且你准备分手了，请坐下来与对方进行一场诚恳的对话。

Do not do this via text or email. You should always do it in person unless you're concerned about your safety. Although I said "conversation", it's not really a conversation. That's the tone but not the content. Conversation means there's an exchange, negotiation and compromise. I'm not saying don't let the other person speak but you're here to tell the person that you've made a decision. You can tell him how you feel about it. But there's no room for a conversation. A good way to start is to just say "I've decided to move on". Be that direct. Then explain why and how you feel. Remember, this isn't a break. It's a break up. Unless you want a hiatus. That's a different question and I'd have a different answer.

不要通过手机短信或电子邮件来提分手， 你必须亲自去谈除非这样做涉及到人身安全。 虽然我说“对话”，这不是一个真正的对话的意思，这里强调的是对话的形式而不仅仅是内容。对话意味着双方要交流、协商和妥协。我不是让你就单方面地宣布你做出了分手的决定而不让对方说一句话。 你可以告诉他你的不舍，但是对分手这个决定并没有商量的余地。 一个好的开场白是：“我决定分手了”，就这么直接。然后解释你的理由和你的感受。记住，这不是一个警示，这是分手，除非你又动摇了，这是需要另外解答的问题了。

3. Don't talk about the relationship.

3、不要再去提这段关系中的孰是孰非。

If you've made a decision to move on, you shouldn't discuss what happened and who's fault it was, etc. That will only lead to blame then him saying he will fix or change and suddenly the conversation goes from wanting to end a relationship to giving it a second chance. You will leave frustrated and mad at yourself. He will bring up the past. Stay in the present and future. Remember, you've already put a lot of thought into this and decided to move on. It's all about execution now. Although it will be painful, it's not your job to make it easier on him. Yeah, you'll feel bad. Of course, you're human. But at the end, they'll appreciate that you held your guns instead of going back and forth or tried to be a friend through this, which just makes things more confusing and painful. If you know it's over, execution that in action. Period. If you can't do it for you, do it for him. There needs to be a clean break in order for both parties to grow back stronger. And this "conversation" will determine how clean that break is. A clean break also means no following on social media.

如果你已经决定分手了，你就不应该再去讨论发生了什么事，这事儿到底是谁的错等等。那只会导致无用的归责。然后对方会说他会努力去修复或改变，突然之间画风就会从想结束一段关系转变成给再给他一次机会重新开始。你只会给自己留下沮丧和愤怒，而他将会把让你难以忍受的一切又都带回来，让你现在和未来都和过去一样难受。请记住，你已经很清楚地想好了，并且决定分手。现在要做的事情就是把它好好地完成。当然这将是痛苦的，但是让他好过一点儿不是你的责任。 是的，你会感到不舒服。 当然，你也是一个正常人嘛。但最后，他们会感激你来个痛快的结束而不是纠结反复或者是企图“还是朋友”，这样往往让对方更加迷惑或痛苦。如果你知道它结束了，就好好地让它结束。如果你不能为自己去做，至少为了他也应该去干净利索地结束，这会让你们双方都能得到成长。并且这个分手的“对话”将决定这场关系会不会有个彻底的了断，一个彻底的了断也意味着在你今后的社交上不会有任何的后顾之忧。

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