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原创 Erica Garza
@Erica Garza
Confronting My Addiction
But for my thirtieth birthday, I decided I wanted more. I wanted this decade to be better than the last. After a series of failed relationships, I attempted to retrace Elizabeth Gilbert's path in Eat, Pray, Love—only I skipped over the eating and praying, eager to get to the loving part.
I traveled to Bali. There, I did everything I could to kick porn out of my life and learn how to connect with other people. I practiced yoga, chanted mantras, read self-help books, meditated, met with medicine men and studied Ayurvedic medicine.
Just as I'd hoped, my habits weakened and I found myself losing interest in binging on porn and isolating from others. I started to open up to a healthier version of myself, curious about those around me and about who I could be outside of my insecurities. And at a yoga studio in the rice fields of Ubud, Bali, I encountered a man I liked so much that I thought I might actually love him one day. That's when this healthier version met its biggest challenge.
面对我的瘾
但是在我三十岁生日那天，我许愿我想要得到更多。我想以后的十年，要比过去过得更好。在经历了一系列失败的恋情之后，我决定尝试去重游一下伊丽莎白•吉尔伯特之路—美食、祈祷与恋爱—只是我跳过了美食和祈祷部分，急切的到了恋爱的部分。
我去巴厘岛旅游。在那里，我竭尽所能得把色情片从我生活中踢出去，学着如何与他人交流。我练习瑜伽，唱颂，读自我疗法的书，冥想，去见了巫师，研究阿育吠陀医学。
正如我所希望的，我发现自己不再沉溺于色情片，开始渐渐接近人群。开启了一个全新的生活状态，我开始对周围的人感兴趣，这一切让我开始远离那种不安全感。在乌布德，有个瑜伽工作室，我在那遇到了一个男人，我很喜欢他，甚至我认为有一天我会爱上他。也就在那时，全新的我将会面临更大的挑战。
As much as I wanted to love and be loved by someone, the terror I felt was palpable and familiar. So was the chatter in my head: Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll scare him away. Maybe he'll hurt me or I'll hurt him. To shut off these scary feelings, I did what I had always done—brought the laptop into bed with us to serve as a safe barrier.
Only, he wouldn't let the barrier stay up. He noticed the shift in my attention when I searched clips for us to watch. He noticed the distance in my gaze when we made love, how I allowed myself to be touched but not held. He noticed the way I carefully chose my words, afraid to reveal too much about myself. He noticed everything.
就像我想要去爱别人和被别人爱一样，那种恐惧感又清晰又熟悉。有一个声音一直在我脑海中︰ 也许我还没准备好。也许我会吓跑他。也许他会伤害我，或者我会伤害他。我努力去斩断这些可怕的感觉，做我通常会做的事— — 把笔记本电脑带上床当挡箭牌。
可是，他不愿意让一切这样下去。他注意到我在努力转移注意力。他注意到当我们做爱时，我眼中的距离感。他注意到我是如何让自己不被真正拥有。他注意我总是斟字酌句害怕表露太多自我。他看到了我的一切。
When I tried to pull away, he pulled me back. He was full of questions and wouldn't let me get away with brushing off the difficult ones.
In a similar path to my history with porn, I made my way through his gentler questions, confessing bit by bit, until we came to a place I'd never been to in any previous relationship, revealing the depths of why I watched the things I watched and how I felt about myself. This time, going deeper and darker was healing. Every time I revealed something upsetting and shameful, I expected him to decide he'd had enough. I was too much. I was too sick. Instead, he revealed his own dark stuff. We grew closer. We eventually got married.
当我试图把他推开时，他把我拉回来。他充满了疑问，他不愿我用逃避的态度去摆脱那些痛苦。
我试图通过他那些更温和的问题一点一点去接受自己，直到我们到了一种境域，那是我和以前情侣从未达到的，它让我看清自己过去为什么会去看那些东西以及我自己的感受。这回，我内心更黑暗更深刻的部分被治愈了。
每一次揭露自我内心都让我很痛苦很羞愧，我有太多不好，我病得非常严重。我希望他说他受够了。相反，他把他内心黑暗的东西透露给我。
我们的心越来越近。终于，我们结婚了。
未完待续......
（三：我，我的丈夫和色情片）
任何翻译都是基于源文本的二次创作
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