万物皆有隙，此乃光之源

-- 家长如何看待孩子的不完美

（马来西亚Nexus国际学校中学校长Chris在学生期中评测后致家长的一封信） 

翻译：蜗牛慢慢， Y8家长

又到考试季，中学的中期考试刚过，几家欢喜，几家愁。欢喜的自不用说，儿子或者女儿分数考得好，似乎出门见到邻居，腰板都要直一些。可是，愁的呢，好像这段时间都不想出门见人了，怕问起孩子分数不好意思说。爸妈的愁绪，焦虑和唉声叹气，自然也会影响孩子。怎么办? 家里似乎笼罩了一层说不清，道不明的愁雾。来看看经验丰富的国际学校中学校长是怎么说的吧。这位Chris校长曾在北京工作多年，他的女儿也在初中就读，他娓娓道来的感想，或许，可以给焦虑的家长们一剂清凉。生活，不一定必须是完美的。

——译者  按

亲爱的家长们，

今天下午，所有中学孩子的中期评测报告都已上传完毕，供家长们浏览和下载打印。这份报告总结了从这学期入学到目前为止，每一位中学孩子在各科学习的进展情况。我的女儿就读本校初中8年级，今晚，我和我的夫人也将陪着她，一起阅读她的报告，并讨论一下在哪些方面她表现良好，哪些方面她还需要在下半学期更加努力。希望，这是一个很好的机会，我们全家在美好的家庭氛围里，坐在一起，畅谈她的学习，共同享受这样的愉悦交流。我会很享受这个过程。并不是因为她的报告完美无缺，我因此而洋洋得意，而是因为，我很爱抽出时间，听她自己来聊聊，上半学期她怎么忙忙碌碌，她有哪些优势，而哪些她还需要改进。

我至今记忆犹新，我当年上学时的情形。那时，我的学习成绩或类似报告，都是邮递到我家的。黎明破晓时分，我就起来了，希望能在我父母睡醒以前，拦住那个递送我成绩的邮递员！因为，我的成绩，从来都不是很优秀，一旦他们看到我“锲而不舍”的各种失败，他们会怒气冲冲，而我，一想到这个情形，就越发担惊受怕。

另一方面，我的妹妹，居然是一个优秀的大学霸—在校学习积极上进，毫无疑问地在所有的科目都拿A，老师对她从来都好评如潮。一次，她在科学考试里拿到了99%的分数，回家以后她一直都兴高采烈，直到晚餐时，爸爸问她，“那怎么没拿满分？”他当然是在开玩笑啦，可是我也很想知道为什么，就在那时，我妹妹的下嘴唇一抖，泪水“哗”一下流满了整个脸颊。

很多老师都和我谈起过焦虑的学生—害怕犯错，哪怕一点点错误；担心做不好，一直战战兢兢；因为成绩，行为或者外表，不符合特定的标准而被嫌弃，他们因此郁郁寡欢；或者因为自己不完美，而忧心忡忡。这，令我伤心忧虑。我们当然要赞美那些事事优秀的孩子，不过，我们也应该祝贺那些不完美之处。

首先，谁规定了，此生，我们就必须什么样，我们就该如何，或者，我们就应该面向什么人生目标努力？当然，毫无疑问，作为老师，我们指导孩子积极进步，并且，学校每个部门也有自己具体的规划和学习目标。然而，自我决策才是真实幸福的一项关键指标。在学校，在家庭，我们需要帮助年轻孩子发现他们自己的长处和独特品质，珍惜和发展这些天赋，协助他们去决定，他们想成为什么样的人，他们想怎么生活，哪些人生目标是他们所看重的。在Nexus学校，我们尽力这样去培养孩子。

 如果，“完美”是我们追求的目标，那我们重视多样化和差异性又怎么讲？实际上，所谓的“完美”难道不是都遵照一个单一标准来衡量的吗？如果我们提倡这样的“完美”，我们能教会孩子们什么呢？

事实上，我们自己，也没有人是完美的—这是完全不可能实现的目标，所以，无论是我们或者他人，为什么要殚精竭虑地去追求完美呢？我认为，如果我们学会去拥抱不完美，并且知道，即使不完美，也不影响我们去爱一些人—甚至因为这些不完美而去爱—我们的人际关系将会更美好。实际上，追求完美让我们对他人缺乏耐心—是人，就会犯错，就会有瑕疵，就会不完整。

对我们的孩子而言，要保持积极进取的态度去学习，去改变，去成长，他们就需要了解，我们所有人都处于一个美妙的“正在发展”的过程—并且，没有人已经实现了这个目标。当成年人谈论起自己的不完美时，孩子们会学习到，错误是人生旅程的一部分，这样，他们就会形成一种成长型思维。这意味着，通往成就的道路，主要靠努力，而不是天生的能力或者个性。如果你曾经参加过我们组织的“成长型思维”培训班，你会记得，这个表述来自于卡罗尔.德威克 (译者注：斯坦福大学心理教授)—“not yet，引导你走向未来”。（译者注：对德威克教授成长型思维感兴趣的读者，可以听听她在TED做的演讲《yet的力量》the Power of Yet）

完美主义能扼杀创造力，创新性和适应性。如果你认为，只有你做对了事情，才有价值，那么，你将不会主动去尝试，也不会看到尝试的结果。为了增强你的信心，你需要不断试错，并且明白，失败并不是世界末日。

完美主义也会导致压抑。没有人可以一直负担他人对自己不现实的期待，生命将因此充满一个接一个的失望。所以，完美主义将从很多方面将我们割裂。为了获得归属感，有些人必须很努力成为“别人眼中的自己”，他们将因此步履艰难。如果惧怕自己不完美，我们将生活在面具之后，而掩藏了真正的自己。你可以一直这样生活，但是，你最后将变得孤立无援。

所以，讲了这么多，我们作为妈妈和爸爸应该怎么做呢？那就是，我们应该学会接受并赞赏差异和特殊—这是生命的丰富性和创造力所在之处；学会挑战“正常”和“异常”这类成见；承认错误和失败是学习和成长必须经历的过程；在不完美方面以身作则，这样孩子们才知道有时犯错也不是大事，他们才不会那么焦虑；并且，实事求是地根据孩子情况设定期待值，而不是反过来让孩子适应你的期待值，因为，毕竟，如果我们仅仅在完美无缺的时候才满意的话，我们就会失去很多欢乐时分，即使，那些时刻并不尽如人意。

我在莱昂纳德·科恩（译者按：莱昂纳德·科恩Leonard Cohen是加拿大著名作家、诗人和民谣歌手，其作品呈现出独特的文学意涵和生命体验）的民谣《赞美诗Anthem》里选取了一段歌词作为这封邮件的主题：“万物皆有隙，此乃光之源”, 点击歌曲链接聆听吧，声量大一些，享受这美妙的抒情诗。

今天正好学校庆祝印度的除妖节，校园里五彩缤纷，欢声笑语，歌舞争艳。谢谢各位老师和家校联合会PTA的大力支持。

上半学期，就在这样一个应景的欢乐场面里结束了: 光明最终战胜黑暗，知识最终战胜愚昧，真理最终战胜谬误。(译者按：这是印度除妖节的寓意)。

预祝大家节日快乐，旅途顺利！10月23日再见!

Nexus中学校长

克里斯·林

There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in

Dear Parents,

This afternoon all the Secondary School reports were uploaded for parents to view and print off. These are the summary of learning and progress for each child from the start of this term to now in all their subjects. This evening my wife and I will read through our Year 8 daughter's report with her and talk about what went well and in what ways and areas she might want to improve for the next half of term. Hopefully it will be a nice opportunity for us to sit together as a family and enjoy a positive conversation with her and her learning as the focus. I'll enjoy it. Not because hers is a perfect report or that I will bask in vicarious pride. Rather, I love to spend time hearing her reflect on what has been a very busy term and consider her strengths and areas she feels she could improve.

I remember vividly my school days when our reports would be delivered to the house by post. I'd be up at dawn for days in the hope of catching the postman before my parents woke up! My reports were never very good and I would grow terrified at the thought of how angry my parents would get once they had read the latest horror story of my unremitting failures.

On the other hand, my younger sister, who was a brilliant and eager student at school, would invariably achieve straight A-grades in all her subjects and the resultant glowing comments from her teachers. She once got 99% in a Science exam and had come home pleased with herself until across the dinner table my dad asked: “What went wrong then?” He was joking of course, but I did wonder, and my sister's bottom lip wobbled as tears splashed her cheeks.

Many teachers tell me about anxious learners – those who are scared of making a mistake, frightened of not getting it right, concerned they won’t be accepted unless they perform / behave / look a certain way, worried about not being perfect. This leaves me feeling so sad. Whilst praise for those who do very well is merited, I think it is also important that we celebrate imperfection.

First of all, who is it that defines what we ‘should’ be, how we ‘should’ perform, or what we ‘should’ be aiming for? For sure, as teachers, we give guidelines for improvement, and every unit of work has its plan and learning outcomes. However, self-determination is one of the pillars of authentic wellbeing. In education and in families we need to be helping young people discover their own strengths and unique qualities, to value and develop these and decide for themselves who they want to be, how they want to live their lives and what goals matter to them. We try and foster that at Nexus.

If perfection is the goal what does this say for how we value diversity and difference? Really, in the end, isn't perfection just about conforming to a similar set of standards? What are we teaching our children if all we are ever promoting perfection?

In truth, none of us is perfect – it’s an unattainable goal so why use up so much energy on it, either for ourselves or for others? I think that if we learn to expect imperfection and know we might need to love someone despite this – and possibly even for it – our personal relationships are more likely to flourish. Indeed, being perfect does not endear us to others – it is human to make mistakes, have blemishes, be incomplete.

For our children to stay motivated to learn, change and grow they need to know we are all in that fascinating process of 'becoming' – and none of us are there yet. When adults talk about their own imperfections, kids learn that mistakes are just part of the journey and they are then more likely to develop a growth mind-set. This means seeing effort, not innate ability or characteristics, as the way to achievement. If you have ever been to one of our workshops on Growth Mindset, you will have heard us refer to this expression from Carol Dweck - "not yet gives you a path into the future".

Perfectionism can stifle creativity, innovation and resilience. If you think you will only be valued if you get things right you are much less likely to have a go and see what happens. In order to become confident you need to take the occasional risk and know that failing is not the end of the world.

Perfectionism can be a pathway to depression. As no-one can ever live up to unrealistic expectations, life can become one long series of disappointments. So in many ways perfectionism disconnects us. People who think they have to strive to be 'what they are not' in order to belong will struggle. If we fear not being perfect we will live with a mask that hides who we really are. You can only keep this up for so long but you are likely to end up isolated in the effort.

So, having said all that, what can we do as mums and dads? We have to learn to accept and celebrate the different and the extraordinary – this is often where the richness of life and creativity exists; challenge concepts of what is ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’; acknowledge mistakes and failures as pathways to learning and ‘becoming’; model imperfection so your kids know its OK to get things wrong sometimes so they will be less anxious about how they perform; and fit your expectations to your child, not your child to your expectations, because, after all, if we are only satisfied with what is flawless then we will never value the many moments of life that are joyful despite the cracks. 

It is Leonard Cohen's song 'Anthem' where I took the line for this email subject: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in". Click the link, play it loud and enjoy its beautiful lyrics.

This idea links neatly with today's Nexus Deepavali celebration which has been a joyous occasion filled with colour, laughter, dancing (thank you so much to Zaynab in Year 10 & Mr Mike), with lots of delicious foods. It was so great to see the school corridors looking so pretty. The PTA have really done a fantastic job with this event. Thank you.

What a fitting way to end the first half of term with this hopeful celebration of light over darkness, of knowledge over ignorance, and of right over wrong.

Happy holidays and safe travels. We shall see you all back on Monday 23rd October!

Chris Lynn

Head of Secondary

20171020

编者简介：观无明（微信号Guanwuming），北漂近20年后逃离北京，带孩子到马来西亚就读Nexus国际学校，与其他几位国际生家长一起创立引弓教育，分享我们自己的海外生活和教育的故事，为有同样困惑和需求的家长和孩子提供游学、留学、微留学服务。关于生活在大马的一切问题，欢迎问我。也欢迎关注我们的官网  ： 引弓教育，专注马来西亚游学、留学、微留学、营地