Loneliness (2)

Loneliness (2)

In my former article I did explain the causes and reasons of loneliness in short. Now we are aware of the importance of the problem it must be possible to solve it. I wish that was true but it is a world problem of such scale that it will shake the entire world if they follow the next guidelines.

Communication is one of the foundations of human interaction. That is how we became human afterall. But for many people the source of loneliness comes from a time that real communication was not possible. The roots of loneliness for many is found in the period between birth and 4th year. The early development years.

During these years a child needs a lot of attention, warmth and care. It is not always easy to take good care of a child when you have a busy lifestyle, a lot of work and not a feeling of willingness to offer your intimacy as a parent to the child. Most people, at current time, put their child away in another room after birth. A typical Western way of growing up children to isolate them. Give them privacy. But it showed to be very counter productive as the West is known for its wide gap between generations, especially during puberty. Parents and children are in a constant combat with each other. The cause is often found in the isolation during the first 4 years.

To protect your child from becoming a lonely person you should keep it close as often as possible. When we look at traditional families there is a constant interaction between parents and children. They sleep in the same room, eat at the same table and share all other facilities with each other. This seemed to be a sign of poverty at current time but in fact it is a sign of unity and care. People had to take care of each other and interact constantly to keep the housekeeping moving.

Here I have to make a remark. There a lot of Western “scientist” preaching physical intimacy as part of the growing up. They explain that we should physically hug, cuddle, kiss and more with our children all the time. This will give the children a feeling of connection. This is untrue. Children need to have a strong feeling of care, attention and interaction but they do not feel physical touching as major importance. I remember to interview lots of Chinese girls who hardly ever received a hug of their father but were hugely found of him as he paid a lot of attention to all their actions. Their father played a major role in their life by giving them the feeling to be someone important to him. Physical affection was not an important part at all.

The second part of communication comes when the puberty sets in. It is a very interesting part but also really complicated and should be addressed in other articles. I prefer to move ahead to the age of after twenty when the social pressures arise to the new participants of society.

After twenty the world start to open up. The school or University is finished and it is possible to start a career. This is surely true for the male part of society. Social standing depends on the job, career opportunities and property gathered along the way. Most of it can be seen by others. The measuring of success is made by others and you reflect on what they think of you. But what if it all does not go the way as planned or expected?

The female part has an even higher goal in life. They finished University and want to start the life of career as they have scored high points at their education. Finally they can show their value to the world. But this value comes crackling down like a crushing plane at the moment they come home and hear the question; when are you going to marry? This question will be repeated a million times at most awkward occasions. Finally they consider that the value of the women depends on their husband and not their personality. This causes huge mental instability in most girls.

Most people in their twenties are able to communicate with others of the same age and discuss their problems. This communication releases a lot of pressure. But not to all. Many turn to social media or even dating sites. When disappointed with their surrounding people they look elsewhere. Some, with language skills, even look abroad. But because of their venerable nature they become easy target for cheaters. The solution of loneliness is not found in “social” interaction with strangers. In my book “relationship” I describe procedures to avoid being cheated and protect yourself.

When we look at the problem closely we find that loneliness is caused by “self-doubt”. Insecurity with the personal feelings. A need for social interaction which does not occur at that moment. Your loneliness comes from a missing part in your personality or at least a part that is hurt or damaged by past events. Repair is needed.

Self-esteem is considered the solution. Self-esteem is a way of communication if it is not based on core values. Most people are trained to show self-esteem. They learn tricks of how to approach people, show confidence and interact. The key of solving loneliness is acceptance of the here and now, the core of your personality and the need for love and communication. You do not need to sit hours talking to people that is not the communication you look for. It is your goal to share your space with a person who feel attachment, connection, respect and, if possible, love. Genuine love from heart to heart, not only body to body.

Does it help to meet others who have the same feeling of loneliness? This was my first approach when addressing this issue long ago. Sometimes it does. With elderly it helps as to them the physical communication is needed the most. Their loneliness is often more from the physical connection. They which to do something together. Have real life company.

Other age groups showed different behavior. Young females had the feeling of getting lost completely as no other could give them a solution for their situation. Males showed a more depressive and lost energy behavior while meeting “like minded”. It was clear that the meeting alone was never enough. The meetings needed guidance. We requested all participants to hand in a questionnaire  which we carefully prepared for each meeting. The questions depend on each group and goal of the meeting. Not a single time we could use the same forms.

In general we created classes which started in a superb negative tuning. People had to express their most inner negative emotion, first to themselves but later to the other people. The most important part of our consideration is the problem of losing face, a feeling of humiliation and “making a fool of oneself”. That border had to be crossed first. A very complicated process in most groups. Only few professional trainers showed able to do so.

The turning point came when everybody in the room was able to express their most inner fears, anger and expectations. Most times sessions did last more than four hours. It became clear to all participants that loneliness was based on expectations of others toward them and not only on their expectations toward others. The most important answer is to know and accept your expectations for what they are.  Understand your situation. Know that there are millions who suffer the same like you. Loneliness is a temporary strong state of mind. It is a normal conception of a temporary state. It should empower you to move on with the knowledge it may come again.

When you are at that state of mind it is time to connect with others who are equal minded and willing to share. I have called this “connective awakening” and it opens the way to solve a real problem. Loneliness is a very real problem.

Arnaud van der Veere