为方便家长们学到最原汁原味的正面管教知识，我从国外找来一些正面管教资料。以下为正面管教英文站的译文（注：本人英文水平有限，以下内容是谷歌在线直译得来的，欢迎英语水平好的家长校正）：

欺负兄弟姐妹

问题：

我有3个男孩。 最年长的是12岁，中间的11岁和最小的7岁。中间的孩子患有多动症。 我的大儿子是对中间孩子的欺负。 我的问题是，当他们在外面的朋友面前争吵时，我该如何处理我的儿子？ 例如，我的大儿子和朋友想要踢足球，中间的人说“我不想玩”，而最老的人取笑他不想玩游戏，邻居的孩子也玩得开心。 这是每隔一天发生一次。 感谢您的帮助

回答：

亲爱的丽莎，

我叫Laurie Prusso 。 我有时会通过网站回答正面管教的问题。 我是一名认证的正面管教助理和一名大学讲师，但最重要的是对你 - 我是六个儿子的母亲。 他们现在都长大了，我有12个孙子。 我很高兴回答你的问题，我希望我的回复会对你有所帮助。

我从你的来信中可以看出，你对你所看到的行为感到非常沮丧，我觉得你想要有一些平静的感觉，并且看到你的男孩变得更好。 首先，我很遗憾地告诉你，男孩们“打架”。 他们有时会比较，竞争甚至遭受打击。 有些是正常的，有些只是习惯性的。 如果父母没有一些真正专注的努力，他们会表现得很好。 通过一些良好的培训和技能培养，他们可以减少冲突，并用一种​​不同的更有效的游戏来代替它。 其次，我可以告诉你，兄弟姐妹，甚至兄弟姐妹似乎都在争吵，争辩，并且一直在竞争，经常长大成为非常好的朋友和伟大的成年人。 我就是这种情况。 如果我有更多的时间，我可以分享可以卷曲你的头发并给你希望的故事。

兄弟姐妹争夺我们的注意力和时间。 随着他们的成长，他们“学习”这种导航关系的方式。 它并不总是最有效的，但它似乎为他们提供了他们想要和需要的东西。 它使他们彼此保持联系，并帮助他们建立一个真实或想象的等级。 它还让您参与其中 - 所有儿童都采用的策略。

过了一会儿，这只是他们存在和玩耍的方式（有点像小熊）。 有时你可以说他们只是在互相激动，有时你可能会发现他们真的互相生气。 你的前两个男孩的年龄非常接近，这可能会影响这段关系。 你没有提到最小的儿子参与战斗。 他可能是旁观者，煽动者，或者根本不参与其中。 你的部落已准备好接受一些新的学习，这将增强你的家庭生活，并为你提供一些希望，让你的三个孩子都能活到成年。

首先，我建议您阅读正面管教 。 如果您已经阅读过，请再次阅读并重温您对其中所教授的思想和原则的记忆。 这本书描述了行为的错误目标。 儿童以不同的方式寻求重要性和归属感，而你的男孩甚至可能会使用不同的错误目标来满足他们的需求。 了解它们的运作方式将有助于您决定要做什么。 父母真正掌控的唯一事情就是决定我们将做什么以及如何教导和训练我们的孩子。

您可以在书中找到许多技能和工具，然后适用于您的情况。 我将建议一个能帮助你做到正确的方法。 我建议您学习如何使用家庭会议建立关系，并找到解决您家庭中出现的问题或疑虑的方法。 书中有一个关于家庭会议的伟大章节，提供了一步一步的指导方针。 在这里，我将简要介绍。

收集家人。 享受乐趣的茶点。 谈谈你们都喜欢的事情。 注意并评论继续发生的“好事”。 邀请每位家庭成员恭维或欣赏他人。 然后提出你的问题。 对此有意识和深思熟虑。 遗漏责任和旧历史。 描述你的感受。 聆听每个家庭成员并验证他们的经历 - 不要偏袒或同意他们 - 只是听。 通过认真倾听，你将学到很多关于他们的知识。 你甚至可以听到他们说：“我们只是为了让你心烦意乱！”当每个人分享他们的经历和他们对你的关注的感受时，根据他们最近的冲突创建一个场景。 邀请他们在角色扮演中表演。 年纪较大的人可能会对此表示不满。 如果是这样，涉及小儿子，或成年人可以做角色扮演。 然后邀请他们集体讨论可能的替代方式，让他们彼此之间以及与朋友互动。 写下他们提出的每一个建议，特别是那些肯定会出现的古怪的建议，比如“把他送到军校！”这将有助于他们学会信任这个过程，并愿意用它来满足你的家人。 玩的开心！ 一起笑他们说的话。 您的心情和语气将定下基调并保持您想要的心情。

查看建议并选择他们愿意尝试一周的建议。 当他们同意（如果他们不同意，这不是解决方案）解决方案时，角色扮演场景，这次使用商定的解决方案。 有时让他们交易角色和重播很有趣。 听听他们谈论他们认为这对他们和他们的朋友有用的方式。 告诉他们你下周将在家庭会议上与他们一起办理入住手续。 鼓励他们努力，为他们提供更多的饼干。 你永远不会有太多的饼干！

家庭会议是教育孩子更有效方式相处的绝佳方式。 他们可能已经听过我们所有的评论，比如“不要那样对待你的兄弟！”并且，“如果你这样对待他们，你的朋友就不会喜欢你了。”而且，“你们男孩们让我发疯了。”这些事情并没有真正帮助我们或他们真正解决问题并找到和平的解决方案。 你真正想要的是让他们彼此相爱并像他们一样互相对待。 在11岁和12岁时，他们不太愿意谈论这些愚蠢的事情，因为他们将解决问题并努力使事情变得更好。

丽莎，当我的孩子们在他们十几岁的时候，我发现了正面管教 ，这改变了我的整个思维方式。 我真的认为，如果你阅读这本书并试图实现其中的一些原则和想法，你将开始做出改变，当你做出改变时，你的孩子们也会做出改变。

最后，不要放弃。 青春期可能是一个非常艰难和充满挑战的时期！ 我曾经说过，“它只会变得更糟！”但现在我可以自信地告诉你，“这也将过去。”青少年男孩 - 或者似乎失控。 他们有如此多的精力和激情。 他们可以学习如何将它引入好的和富有成效的事物，他们会。 学习如何在这个发展阶段获得乐趣，并注意到每个男孩的优势。 随着他们的成长，你可以越来越少地使用你的力量“让他们”做事。 您会很高兴您发现了另一种适合您的育儿包的工具。 与他们谈判，他们将变得更加合作。 专注于他们的优势，并知道我们曾经在那里！

我觉得我们是一个善良的精神。 祝你好运。

劳瑞

Bullying Siblings

Question:

I have 3 boys. The oldest is 12, the middle 11 and youngest 7. The middle child has ADHD. My oldest son is a bully to the middle child. My question is how do I handle my sons when they are bickering in front of their friends outside? For instance, my oldest son and friends wanted to play soccer and the middle one said, “I don't want to play,” and the oldest makes fun of him for not wanting to play the game and the neighborhood kids make fun also. This is an every other day occurrence. Thanks for your help in advance

Answer:

Dear Lisa,

My name is Laurie Prusso . I sometimes answer the questions that come to Positive Discipline through the Website. I am a Certified Positive Discipline Associate and a college instructor, but most importantly for you—I am the mother of six sons. They are all grown now and I have 12 grandchildren. I'm so excited to answer your question and I hope that my response will help you.

I can tell from your letter that you are really very frustrated with the behavior that you are seeing and I get the sense that you would like to have some peace and to see your boys get a long better. First of all, I'm sorry to tell you that boys “fight”. They compare, compete, and even come to blows sometimes. Some of it is normal and some of it is just habitual. Without some really focused effort on the part of the parents, they will behave this way a lot. With some good training and skill building, they can lessen the conflict and replace it with a different more effective kind of play. Second, I can tell you that siblings, even siblings who seemed to fight, argue, and compete all of the time, often grow up to be very good friends and great adults. Such is the case for me. I could share stories that would curl your hair and give you hope, if I had more time.

Siblings compete for our attention and our time. As they grow, they “learn” this way of navigating their relationships. It isn't always the most effective, but it seems to provide them with something that they want and need. It keeps them engaged with each other and helps them establish a hierarchy—real or imagined. It also gets you involved with them—a strategy that all children employ.

After a while, it is just their way of being and playing (sort of like bear cubs). Sometimes you can tell that they are just agitating each other, other times you may see that they are truly angry with each other. Your first two boys are very close in age and this may influence the relationship. You don't mention the youngest son as being involved in the fray. He may be an onlooker, an instigator, or simply uninvolved with them. Your tribe is ready for some new learning that will enhance your family life and provide you with some hope that all three of your kids will survive to adulthood.

First, I will recommend that you read Positive Discipline . If you have already read it, read it again and refresh your memory of the ideas and principles taught in it. The book describes the mistaken goals of behavior. Children seek significance and belonging in different ways, and your boys may even be using different mistaken goals to try to meet their needs. Understanding how they are operating will help you decide what you will do. The only thing parents really have control over is deciding what WE will do and how we will teach and train our children.

There are many skills and tools that you can find in the book, and then apply to your situation. I am going to suggest one that will help you get right to the point. I recommend that you learn how to use family meetings to build relationships and find solutions to problems or concerns that arise in your family. There is a great chapter on Family Meetings in the book that provides step by step guidelines. Here I will be brief.

Gather the family. Have fun—have refreshments. Talk about things you all enjoy. Notice and comment on the “good things” that go on. Invite each family member to compliment or appreciate someone else. Then present your concern. Be conscious and thoughtful about it. Leave out blame and old history. Describe your feelings. Listen to each family member and validate their experiences—do not take sides or agree with them—just listen. You will learn a lot about them from listening attentively. You may even hear them say, “We just do it to get you upset!” When everyone has shared their experience and their feelings about your concern, create a scenario, based on a recent conflict they have had. Invite them to act it out in a role play. The older one may gaff at this. If so, involve the younger son, or the adults can do the role play. Then invite them to brainstorm possible alternative ways for them to interact with each other and with their friends. Write down every suggestion they make, especially the outlandish ones that are sure to come up, like, “Send him to a military school!” This will help them learn to trust this process and to be willing to use it to meet the needs of your family. HAVE FUN! Laugh together at things they say. Your mood and tone will set the tone and keep the mood you want.

Review the suggestions and select one that they are willing to try for a week. When they agree (if they don't agree, it is NOT the solution) on a solution, role play the scenario, this time using the agreed upon solution. Sometimes it is fun to have them trade roles and replay. Listen to them talk some more about how they think this might work for them and for their friends. Tell them that you'll check in with them next week at the family meeting. Encourage them in their efforts and serve them more cookies. You can never have too many cookies!

Family meetings are an excellent way to teach children more effective ways to get along. They have probably already heard all of our comments like, “Stop treating your brother like that!” And, “Your friends will not like you if you treat them that way.” And, “You boys are driving me crazy.” These kinds of things aren't really helping us or them to really address the problem and find peaceable solutions to it. What you really want is for them to love each other and treat each other like they do. At 11 and 12 years of age, they will be less willing to talk about such sappy things as they will be to tackle a problem and try to make things better.

Lisa, I discovered Positive Discipline when my kids were in their teenage years and it changed my entire way of thinking. I really think that if you read the book and try to implement some of the principles and ideas in it, you will begin to make a change and when you make a change, then your boys will make a change as well.

Finally, don't give up. Adolescence can be a very trying and challenging time! I used to say, “It only gets worse!” But now I can tell you with confidence that, “This too shall pass.” Adolescent boys are—or seem to be—out of control. They have so much energy and passion. They can learn to channel it into good and productive things, and they will. Learn to have fun with this stage of development and to notice the strengths in each of your boys. As they grow, there will be fewer and fewer times when you can use your power to “make them” do things. You will be glad that you discovered another tool for your parenting bag of tricks. Negotiate with them and they will become more cooperative. Focus on their strengths and know that we were all there once!

I feel like we are kindred spirits. Good luck to you.

Laurie

更多详细的内容可以参考早期学习正面管教网友分享的正面管教揭密内容。