为方便家长们学到最原汁原味的正面管教知识，我从国外找来一些正面管教资料。以下为正面管教英文站的译文（注：本人英文水平有限，以下内容是谷歌在线直译得来的，欢迎英语水平好的家长校正，我只是知识里的搬运工），更多详细的内容可以参考早期学习正面管教网友分享的正面管教揭密内容。

正面管教：不要回击

问题：

帮帮我！ 简，我真的需要你的帮助。 我4岁的女儿不会停止说UGLY而我的意思是当她没有得到她想要的东西或她没有得到她的方式时给我带来丑陋的东西。 我最近购买了你的正面管教书和你的CD 。 也许我还没有读到我要做的事情。 到目前为止，我无法告诉你我有多喜欢你的建议，但我感到非常失控，这真的令人心烦意乱。 如果你对我有任何智慧的话，我真的很感激。 非常感谢你为帮助像我这样的父母所做的一切。 关心海蒂

回答：

嗨海蒂，

以下是经修订的正面管教AZ的摘录。 我在括号中插入了一条关于我最喜欢的建议的注释，但它们都很好。 选择适合你的方法，让我知道它是怎么回事。

Backtalk和Disrespect

“我让女儿拿起她的鞋子。她回答说，'你为什么不。你是母亲。' 我简直不敢相信。为什么她会如此不尊重？更重要的是，我该怎么做呢？我不能让她侥幸逃脱，但我惩罚的越多，它就越糟糕。“

了解你的孩子，你自己和情况

后退和不尊重行为有很多原因。 有时儿童只是在测试他们的力量 - 特别是在青少年时期和青少年时期。 另一方面，他们可能会觉得他们受到了不尊重的待遇（也许是由提出要求或发出命令的父母）并且正在反击。 孩子们可能会回过头来反应 - 或者可能只是度过了糟糕的一天。 另一种可能性是他们没有被教导（通过示例或其他方式）尊重的沟通和互动。

建议

以平静，尊重的声音，告诉你的孩子，“如果我曾经这样对你说过，我道歉。我不想伤害你或被你伤害。我们可以重新开始吗？”

数到十或采取其他形式的积极超时，这样你就不会“反击”回来。 避免卷土重来，比如，“你不能那样对我说话的小姐。”

使用“背对话”作为信息（它可以告诉你有些不对劲）并在你平静下来之后处理它。 寻找你一直在将问题转化为与孩子进行权力斗争的地方。

而不是专注于不尊重，而是专注于感受。 说出这样的话，“你现在显然非常沮丧。我知道当你说话的时候会让我感到不安。让我们两个人抽出时间冷静下来。我们可以稍后谈谈，当我们感觉更好。我想听听什么你很沮丧。

不要用惩罚来“控制”。 如果你们两个都平静下来，你就可以开发一个适合你们的尊重解决方案。

分享你的感受，“当你和我说话时，我感到非常伤心。后来我想和你谈谈另一种可以告诉我你想要什么或你感觉如何的方式。” 或者你可以说，“哇，我想知道我是否做了些什么来伤害你的感受，因为这肯定会伤害我的。”

不要回应要求。 决定你要做什么，而不是你想让她做什么。 一种可能性就是走开。 而不是试图控制她的行为，控制自己的行为。 冷静地离开房间，一言不发。 如果你的孩子跟着，去散步去洗澡。 冷静期过后，问：“你准备好跟我说话了吗？” 如果您事先知道您的孩子将会做什么，这是最有效的。 “当你不尊重地对我说话时，我会离开房间，直到我们感觉更好，能够与爱和尊重沟通。” [JN注意：这是我最喜欢的，因为孩子们做的是有效的。 当你离开而不是反应时，孩子们失去了力量让你做出反应。 当然，当你们平静下来时，跟进是非常重要的。]

使用幽默感。 说，“我一定听错了。我很确定你的意思是说，'妈妈，你介意捡起我的鞋，因为我现在懒得自己做。'”

如果你不是太沮丧，试着拥抱你的孩子。 有时候孩子们还没准备好接受拥抱。 其他时候，拥抱会改变你们的爱情和尊重的氛围。

提前规划以防止未来出现问题

愿意看看你如何通过对她的不尊重来教导你厌恶孩子的事情。 你是通过过于控制还是过于宽容来创造一种权力斗争的氛围？

确保你不要通过提出不尊重的要求来“抚慰你的孩子”。 在家庭会议期间，不要发出命令，而是一起创造惯例。

而不是说，“拿起你的鞋子，”问，“你的鞋子怎么样？” 你会感到惊讶的是，要问的不仅仅是告诉它。

一旦你们平静下来，让她知道你爱她，并希望对所发生的事情采取尊重的解决方案。 对您的部分负责，并共同制定解决方案。

如果你不尊重，请道歉。 “当我要求你拿起你的鞋子时，我可以看出我是不尊重的。当我不是时，我怎么能要求你尊重他？” 让她知道你不能“让”她尊重，但你会努力尊重自己。

定期举行家庭会议，让家庭成员学会尊重的沟通方式，并专注于解决方案。

生活技能儿童可以学习

孩子们可以了解到他们的父母愿意为他们在互动中的责任承担责任。 他们可以了解到背谈不是有效的，但是他们将有另一次机会来进行尊重的沟通。

育儿指针

许多父母希望“设定限制”并加强控制，教导他们的孩子，他们无法摆脱不良行为。 这使事情变得更糟，并没有教导尊重的沟通。

这是采取行动而不是反应的好时机。 当孩子伤害你的感情时，通过惩罚来报复是非常诱人的。 这种模式在试图教导尊重时不尊重。

记得把错误视为学习的机会 - 对你们两个人来说。

助推器思想

从一位感恩的父母发来的一封信中说：“我现在都被呛了，因为我十五岁的女儿刚进来说，'妈妈，你今天打算洗一下，所以我可以加牛仔裤，还是我应该在上学前加载？“

这是一个尊重的离开。 感谢上帝的家庭会议和冷静的对话，而不是大喊大叫，做出反应，以及过去曾经历过的愤怒情绪。

两岁半的罗斯在人行道上戴着帽子，说：“我不想戴这顶帽子。你拿到它并为我保留。”

他的祖母看着他说：“我确信有很多人走过谁会喜欢那顶漂亮的帽子。如果你不再想要它，就把它放在人行道上给别人看。”

罗斯看起来很震惊，把他的小手放在他的臀部，想了一会儿，然后挑了他的帽子。

他的祖母说：“如果你现在不想戴帽子，你想把它放在背包里吗？我很乐意为你打开它。” 罗斯走了过来，把帽子放在背包里，双手放回臀部，然后沿着人行道轻轻地拖着脚走路。 几个旁观者给了奶奶大拇指。

Don't Backtalk Back

Question:

Help! Jane I REALLY need your help. My 4-year-old daughter will not stop saying UGLY and I mean Ugly things to me when she does not get what she wants or when she does not get her way. I have recently purchased your book Positive Discipline and your CDs . Maybe I have not read far enough on what I am to do. I can not tell you how much I love your advice so far, But I feel so out of control and it is really upsetting. If you have any words of wisdom for me I would REALLY appreciate it. Thank you so much for all that you do to help parents like me. Regards Heidi

Answer:

Hi Heidi,

Following is an excerpt from the revised Positive Discipline AZ . I've inserted a note in brackets regarding my favorite suggestion, but they are all good. Choose what works for you and let me know how it goes.

Backtalk and Disrespect

"I asked my daughter to pick up her shoes. She replied, 'Why don't you. You're the mother.' I couldn't believe it. Why would she be so disrespectful? Even more important, what should I do about it? I can't just let her get away with that, but the more I punish her, the worse it gets."

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

There are many reasons for backtalk and disrespectful behavior. Sometimes children are simply testing their power—especially during the pre-teen and teen years. On the other hand, it could be that they feel that they have been treated disrespectfully (perhaps by parents who make demands or give orders) and are fighting back. Children might talk back to get a reaction—or may simply be having a bad day. Another possibility is that they have not been taught (by example or otherwise) respectful communication and interaction.

Suggestions

In a calm, respectful voice, tell your child, "If I have ever spoken to you that way, I apologize. I don't want to hurt you or be hurt by you. Can we start over?"

Count to ten or take some other form of positive time-out so you don't "backtalk" back in reaction. Avoid comebacks such as, "You can't talk to me that way young lady."

Use the "back talk" as information (it could tell you that something is amiss) and deal with it after you have both calmed down. Look for places you have been turning issues into power struggles with your child.

Instead of focusing on the disrespect, focus on the feelings. Say something like, "You are obviously very upset right now. I know it upsets me when you talk that way. Let's both take some time out to calm down. We can talk later when we feel better. I'd like to hear what you are upset about.

Do not use punishment to "get control." When you have both calmed down you can work on a respectful solution that works for both of you.

Share your feelings, "I feel very hurt when you talk to me that way. Later I want to talk to you about another way you could tell me what you want or how you feel." Or you could say, "Whoa, I wonder if I did something to hurt your feelings, because that certainly hurt mine."

Don't respond to demands. Decide what you will do instead of what you want to make her do. One possibility is to simply walk away. Instead of trying to control her behavior, control your own. Calmly leave the room without saying a word. If your child follows, go for a walk of get into the shower. After a cooling-off period, ask, "Are you ready to talk with me now?" This is most effective if you let your child know in advance what you will do. "When you talk disrespectfully to me, I will leave the room until we both feel better and can communicate with love and respect." [Note from JN: This is my favorite because kids do what works. When you just walk away, instead of reacting, children lose their power to get you to react. Of course, it is important to follow-up when you have both calmed down.]

Use a sense of humor. Say, "I must have heard that wrong. I'm pretty sure you were meaning to say, 'Mom, would you mind picking up my shoes because I'm too lazy to do it myself right now.'"

If you are not too upset, try hugging your child. Sometimes children are not ready to accept a hug at this time. Other times a hug changes the atmosphere for both of you to one of love and respect.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

Be willing to take a look at how you might be teaching the very thing you abhor in your child by being disrespectful to her. Have you created an atmosphere of power struggles by being too controlling or too permissive?

Make sure you do not "set your child up" by making disrespectful demands. Instead of giving orders, create routines together during family meetings.

Instead of saying, "Pick up your shoes," ask, "What about your shoes?" You will be surprised how much more inviting it is to ask than to tell.

Once you have both calmed down, let her know you love her and would like to work on a respectful solution to what happened. Take responsibility for your part and work on a solution together.

Apologize if you have been disrespectful. "I can see that I was disrespectful when I demanded that you pick up your shoes. How can I ask you to be respectful when I'm not?" Let her know that you can't "make" her be respectful, but that you will work on being respectful yourself.

Have regular family meetings so family members learn respectful ways of communicating and focusing on solutions.

Life Skills Children can Learn

Children can learn that their parents are willing to take responsibility for their part in an interaction. They can learn that back talk isn't effective, but that they will have another chance to work on respectful communication.

Parenting Pointers

Many parents want to "set limits" and tighten controls to teach their children that they can't get away with misbehavior. This makes matters worse and does not teach respectful communication.

This is a good time to act instead of react. It is very tempting to get revenge by punishing when your children hurt your feelings. This models disrespect while trying to teach respect.

Remember to see mistakes as opportunities to learn—for both of you.

Booster Thoughts

From a note sent by a grateful parents: "I'm all choked up right now because my fifteen-year-old daughter just came in and said, 'Mom, are you planning to do some washing today so I can include my jeans, or should I put in a load before school?"

It was such a respectful departure. Thank God for family meetings and calm dialogue instead of yelling, reacting, and the angry feelings have had experienced in the past.

Two and a half year old Ross threw his hat on the sidewalk and said, "I don't want to wear this hat. You get it and keep it for me."

His grandmother looked at him and said, "I'm sure there are a lot of people walking by who would love that good looking hat. If you don't want it anymore, leave it on the sidewalk for someone else."

Ross looked shocked, put his little hands on his hips, thought for a minute, and then picked his hat up.

His grandmother said, "If you don't want to wear your hat right now, would you like to put it in the backpack? I'd be happy to open it up for you." Ross walked over, dropped the hat in the pack, put his hands back on his hips and shuffled along the sidewalk with a grin on his face. Several bystanders gave Grandma big thumbs up.

更多详细的内容可以参考早期学习正面管教网友分享的正面管教揭密内容。