如果你有这3个习惯，那么你大概并不快乐

首先，请你想一想，你有没有这3个习惯：

First of all, please think about this question first: Do you have any of these 3 habits?

第一，你习惯用负面的方式来激励自己

1. You tend to motivate yourself in negative ways.

你可能并不是一个自暴自弃的人。

You may not be a person who already gave up yourself.

你总是希望变得更好。

You always wanna be someone better.

只是，你往往会用“难道连这都做不好吗？”这样的话来给自己打气。

It’s just that when you encourage yourself you usually prefer sentence like “Can’t you even do this?”

从根本上讲，你是希望让自己讨厌现在的自己，从而去努力。

Basically you wish to make yourself work harder by making yourself loathe your present self.

第二，你很难原谅自己的错误。

2. It’s really hard for you to let go of your mistakes.

你总是会反复咀嚼自己以前犯过的错，而且每次回想起来都会很难受。

You always keep thinking about the mistakes you’ve made and feeling terrible every time you do this.

每次不合时宜的发言。

Every inopportune speech you’ve given.

每次没能控制住的脾气。

Every temper you didn’t manage to control.

还有你以前做过的所有傻事。

And every silly thing that you have done.

你总是忍不住去回忆他们，而每次回忆的时候，你都和当初一样痛苦难耐。

You always can’t help but recall them. And every time you recall them you feel the exact pain you felt back then.

第三，别人表扬你的时候，你会觉得不舒服

3. You don’t feel comfortable when someone compliments you.

你总是对别人赠与的表扬感到尴尬，或者觉得他们有点言过其实。

You always feel awkward for the credits people give you. Or you usually think they overestimated you.

有时候，你并不是觉得自己做得不够好。

Sometimes you don’t really think yourself as not good enough.

你知道自己做了对的事。

You know you’ve done the right thing.

你知道自己值得被认可。

You know you deserve recognition.

但是，不知道为什么，当真的有人来赞赏你的时候，你却想找个洞把自己藏起来。

But somehow you still want to find a hole to hide yourself when someone comes and speaks highly of you.

如果你具备以上三点中的任何一点，那你要小心了，你的心里很有可能藏着一种危险的情感。

If you have any one of the 3 traits above, then you should be careful because there might be a dangerous emotion hiding in your heart.

那就是自我厌恶。

It’s self-loathing.

很多人以为这种情感是一种动力，可以让人不断完善自己。

A lot of people see this emotion as a motivation to keep making themselves improving.

但其实，这种情感只会阻碍你的自我发展。

But in fact it only stops you from developing.

它会让你无法体会满足感和成就感，并最终剥夺你的自尊。

It makes you incapable of feeling satisfaction and the sense of accomplishment. And it eventually deprives you of your self-esteem.

从某种程度上讲，这就是现在我们所说的“爱无能”。

To some extents, this is what we call “incapable of love” nowadays.

许多人都受其所扰。

Too many are troubled by it.

心理学家们也一直在研究这个问题。

And psychologists have been studying this issue.

虽然，对于这个心理现象，现在还没有绝对的定论。

Though we haven’t reached a solid conclusion about this mental state,

但我们已经有了一些系统的认知。

we have got some systematic understanding.

或许你能在这些知识里找到一些帮助。

Maybe you can find some help in these knowledge.

这种自我厌恶之所以会形成，一种原因来自于家庭。

One of the reasons for the formation of self-loathing comes from family.

有些家庭从来就缺乏肯定和表扬的习惯。

Some families never have the habit of acknowledging and complimenting.

或许你曾经因为做成了什么事而开心地告诉父母，但他们却责备你太浮躁、太骄傲。

Maybe there were times when you accomplished something and ran with joy to tell it to your parents. And they just blamed you for being too impetuous and proud

或许你曾无数次被父母在外人面前数落，他们通过贬低你来表现得谦虚。

Maybe you have been scolded publicly by your parents because they wanted to appear modest by doing it.

一个人在这样的家庭里会始终处于焦虑之中，并且会在潜意识里认定自己不够好。

Someone who grew in such families tends to always live in anxiety and subconsciously decides that they are not good enough.

另一种原因则是，有的人的自我厌恶完全是一种心理保护机制.

The other reason is that some of us use self-loathing as a mental protection mechanism.

他们无法面对外部世界的不确定性。

They can’t deal with the uncertainty of the outside world.

于是他们觉得“只要我变得更好，那一切也会变得更好”。

So they think that if they themselves become better people then everything will turn better, too.

他们拒绝承认世界的复杂性，也不去直视世界的复杂性。

They deny the complexity of the world and refuse to face it.

因此往往在潜意识中臆想出一些简单的规则。

That’s why they usually subconsciously invent some simple rules

觉得只要从自己出发，总能把问题解决。

and come to the idea that they can always solve problems if they start from themselves.

不管是哪种原因，都是有害无益的。

Neither of these reasons are good.

我们可能会变得过于习惯自我厌恶，从而让这种想法变成我们对自己的默认看法。

We may become too accustomed to self-loathing and make it our default way of thinking.

这是很不健康的。

It’s not healthy.

要知道，“好”是一个相对的概念，也是一个非常主观的概念。

You need to know that “good” is a relative concept and a very subjective concept.

如果你的目的只是单纯的“让自己更好”，那你其实永远也达不到自己的目的。

If your goal is only making yourself better, you can never reach your goal.

有时候，你得学会理解什么叫“足够好”和“暂且”。

Sometimes you have to understand the phrases “good enough” and “for now”.

想要学会从容面对失败并不是一件容易的事，我也没见过谁能完美地掌握这个能力。

It’s not easy to face failures with ease. And I never saw anyone who manages it perfectly.

但害怕失败并不是放弃尝试的理由。

But being afraid of failing is not a reason for giving up.

自我厌恶，是不幸福的根源。

Self-loathing is the root of unhappiness.

你可以厌恶曾经的自己，但请不要太厌恶现在的自己。

You can loathe who you were. But please don’t loathe who you are that much.

如果你真的需要一个动力，那它应该是希望，而不是厌恶。

If you really need a motivation, choose hope instead of loathing.