Three days ago, BY went home with the kids and told me Maomao was ordered around by the other boy who is only 4 moths older than him.
This got me wonder whether my parenting style has been too aggressive that it shapes Mao to be used to being bossed around. At home, I keep telling him what he should do: do calculation exercise, practice tennis, put away the toys scattered on the floor, organize the books, etc. He has been so used to obeying to my orders that he may no even think about why he should do this. One consequence of this mode of communication could be that he also becomes obedient to other people's orders.
This got me think about two kinds of parenting: I unconsciously practice result-oriented parenting, while the mother of the bigger boy has been practicing process-oriented parenting. On the surface, we achieve the same results: they could both recognize quite a lot Chinese characters, both do lots of physical exercise, do simple math calculations. It seemed we arrived at the same destination if it is the test result we are considering about.
However, as a bossy mother, I barely leave him the space to argue back or say no to my requests. This makes him ignore his own needs and feelings. Ignoring his own feeling and needs may lead to the inability to love himself, which is a deadly problem.
Now I know the meaning of the frequently quoted sentence: what matters is the process rather than the result. To some extent, I am responsible for my own boy's weakness. How stupid it is.
This post is a reminder for myself to always respect my boys, no matter in what kind of occasions, especially in conflicts. I should teach him wise and intelligent and strategic ways to deal with conflicts by my own example.
One common conflict, perhaps the most common conflict is when I request him to do his work while he does not want to perform well. Instead of criticizing him, I should think of ways to make him realize he does certain things not because his mom wants him to do it but because he truly understands he needs to do this.
让孩子做某件事情， 强迫他做和以理服人劝说他做，都能到达同样的结果--把事做完。
然而，过程却大相径庭。强迫孩子做的，以暴力，或身体或语言，都能给孩子带来心理的阴影，更危险的是没有给他塑造独立的性格和思考的能力，更没有学会平和的处事方式。而这些，本身比结果更重要。从这个意义上说，过程比结果重要，这个真理，尤其适用于育儿早期。
过程重于结果，同样还适用于自己的生活节奏。曾经，我也过于注重目标的达成，去某个地方班某件事，达成某个短期目标，忽略了过程的享受。
谨记！
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