Am I Losing My Edge?

I turned down a job offer. It was a bigger title, more growth opportunity, and more money. But it was for a smaller company and requires a lot more work. Ten years ago, I would have jumped on that offer in a heartbeat, but today it just feels too much work while the upside is not big enough to be attractive. It did not even take me long to make the decision and when I gave the rejection, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. But part of me wonders – Have I become too comfortable and lost my drive? Am I losing my edge?

But what is my edge exactly – that is, if I even have one? I have two failed careers (academia and entertainment) and I’m only modestly successful as an executive in a healthcare financial services company. The one thing which I get consistent feedback on and has now become a huge part of my self-identity is my Type A personality – the fact that I’m competitive and achievement oriented. But if you take a look at the characteristics associated with a Type A personality -- operating at a more urgent pace, demonstrating higher levels of impatience, having a more competitive nature, getting upset easily, and associating self-worth with achievement -- it seems to come with more downsides than upsides. Is that something I should even hold onto?

Over the years, I have come to realize most of my drive actually comes from a deep-rooted sense of insecurity. My childhood was by no means a happy one. While I will leave out most details for private therapy sessions, one thing is obvious – the fact that my parents were absent from the first ten years of my life was not a positive factor on my psyche. A striking example is during WWII, British children who were sent away to the countryside for protection against German bombing raids faired much worse than children who remained with their parents and endured nights in bomb shelters and frightening images of destroyed buildings and dead people. In other words, the trauma of being away from parents at a young age has a much stronger imprint on children than the trauma of war. Think about that!

I’m not pointing this out to blame my parents – I believe they did what they thought was the best for me – but to come to grips with the fact that my sense of insecurity coming from the lack of attachment in childhood is a double-edged sword. It may have given me motivation and ambition, but it’s also a destructive force that has led to unhappiness, anxiety and distress. I remember looking at those happy and confident kids longingly while I was the skinny ugly duckling without any prospect of growing into a swan. I wondered how they could be so comfortable in their own skin while I absolutely hated every part of me. I was desperate for approval but self-sabotaged by going for the industry that gives the most rejections. I tried to prove my self-worth by getting bigger titles, bigger paychecks, and bigger houses, but I did not feel any happier. Anything I obtained became somewhat despicable, so much so I am compelled to start something new every few years. I was constantly running away, moving from one place to another, one industry to another, one job to another. Little did I realize what I was running away from is myself. No country, no city, no industry, no job was going to fix “me”.

Things started to change three years ago when I took the job at Synchrony and my life slowed down significantly from the international jetsetter lifestyle I lived for eight years prior. Synchrony is a fortune 200 company with a cash cow business. It’s extremely profitable and it has tremendous market power with its dominant market position. Our CEO is one of the few female CEOs in the financial services industry and she is well known for her loving and caring leadership style. I resisted the culture violently at first– I saw the tectonic shifts taking place in Fintech and was appalled by the level of complacency in the company. I was eager to propose innovative ideas and solutions, only to find that no one else shared the sense of urgency. This is the only job I’ve ever had where people want me to do less, not more. Instead of enjoying the “easy” job, I was frustrated, convinced that we are going to become another MBA case study like Kodak.

But my attitude gradually started to change. If there is no expectation from the company for me to act above and beyond my existing responsibilities, then why am I imposing these expectations on myself? Why am I worried as if I were doing the CEO job when I’m not getting the CEO paycheck? Am I projecting too much of my personal insecurity onto the company? Does part of my frustration stem from the fact that I’m not getting an opportunity to prove myself, that I can do better than my current position or worse yet to prove I’m better than everyone else? Why this constant urge to prove? Do I really need to prove anything to anyone anymore?

Recognizing this dissatisfaction is largely self-imposed, I started to adjust my mindset to match the environment. I am still obsessed with doing a great job, but when my proposals are not adopted, I don’t take it quite so personally. I am much more relaxed about people’s feedback or lack thereof, as I realize assuming everything is about me is actually quite narcissistic. What people say or don’t say is more about themselves than about me. I don’t impose onto others the stringent standards I use for myself so I don’t get as disappointed. Instead of complaining the “Free Friday policy” is too socialist, I start to enjoy it and be grateful for it. I’m exploring my interests outside work – not in the simple sense of work life balance, but what is my identity (work should only be a small part of it, but so far I’ve made it such a central part of my life that I’m at a loss what my true identity is outside work and I need to find it).

Miraculously, I am starting to feel much more at ease with myself, more than probably I have ever felt in my life. The adjective I use to describe my mood most days is content – a shockingly alien feeling. I still have small panic attacks from time to time, worried that I may be undeserving of such tranquility, that something bad will inevitably happen. But even when these unsettling thoughts come, they are usually accompanied by the awareness that they shall pass. That everything is impermanent and the only way to deal with constant change is to believe in my neuroplasticity. That instead of forcing my will and fighting with the environment, I should just go with the flow – it’s not a sign of laziness, it’s a sign of wisdom. That I no longer need to chase after things society has conditioned me to desire for. That I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not even to myself. That I am comfortable with who I am, just as I am, whatever that is. That confidence comes from self acceptance, self compassion, and a deep knowledge of no matter what happens, wherever I go, I will end up OK. For the first time in my life, I feel settled – my home is an actual home, not just a stop on the way to the next destination. I have no need to run away. I am at home.

Yes, I may have lost my edge, but what good is that edge for anyway? That edge has been guided by insecurity and misery, which I’m more than ready to shed. I’d choose happiness over success any time. But more importantly, I’d like to believe in losing my old self, I’m opening up the possibility of a new self. As the writer Steve Pressfield said of the hero’s journey and the artist’s journey: “On our hero’s journey, we acquire a history that is ours alone…The hero’s journey ends when we return home, metaphorically, to the place from which we started. We wash up on shore. We have survived. We have come home. Now what? The passage that comes next is the Artist’s Journey. Everything that has happened to us up to this point is a rehearsal for us to act, now, as our true self and to find and speak in our true voice. The artist’s journey is the process of self-discovery that follows. It is the passage during which we will produce the works we were put on this Earth to bring forth. The Artist’s Journey will last as long as we’re alive, and maybe longer.”

I can’t wait to embark on my Artist’s Journey.