Self-portrait: A Gift for My Sil

This past Sunday marked the 18th  annivesary of my immigration to this piece of land.  October 10th, the day the Republic of China was founded and a new era began.  What an interesting coincidence. 

I didn't realize this until it'd passed, because we were busy planning the birthday party for my daughter, who was born on October 9th.  But besides this, we simply didn't feel like it was anything worth celebrating.  However, it could be a chance to reflect on my identity and the experiences that make me who I am.  Not a perception by others, but a recognition of myself. 

Make no misunderstanding —— this post is by no means to claim that I am  so Americanized that I've forgotten my Chinese identity.  In fact, only one of my posts is written in English, and we yell at our kids when they converse in English.  I can proudly say that they are the minority of ABC siblings that can argue in Chinese.  I simply believe that language does NOT define a person.  Too much goes into forming the character of a person: how and where he/she has been raised, whom he/she has encountered and interacted with, the kind of work he/she does and things he/she has learned or is learning, etc.  All these contribute to forming a unique individual.  As for myself, the immigration to this country has always been and will always be the dividing line that parts my life: the first half in China and the second in this city that I now call home. 

The city I grew up in, Foshan, is known for its rich history in pottery production and artistic sculptures.  Memory of hometown was a harmonic mix of hundred-year-old houses with weathered clay tile roofs hidden in slated alleys, miniature fisherman and scholar figurines scattered under bonsai trees, delicate paper cuttings transcribing folklores from centuries ago,  lanterns full of intricate details illuminating the streets at moon festival, sweet fragrances of freshly picked jasmine and plumeria from street floral stands, wontons lying underneath wheat noodles infused with shrimp roes in clear broth, and so much more. 

My parents were open-minded and never signed me up for those after school activities I didn't like.  The teachers I met were mostly kind and friends I made at school caring and unprejudiced.  What I learned in school was primarily mandatory and consisted of lots of facts and data that required an excellent memory to succeed, therefore also quickly forgottened after graduation, leaving only the problem solving skills that still saves me every time I run into a problem. 

Everything at hometown left a stroke on this self-portrait of mine that I carried to a strange piece of land.  There was no going back, as it was a family decision made long ago.  I understood that very clearly.  Hence, there was no choice but to embrace change.

Acclimation was quite painless and took shorter than I expected.  The only hit by reality came from school.  Classes no longer followed a daily routine arranged by teachers with the same faces I would've seen every day till graduation. Instead, I had to design the schedule of my week days to work towards the goal of collecting enough credits to graduate on time.  The nice part was that I got to pick the courses I was interested in and decide which ones would give me a higher chance of passing with an A. 

With uncertainty and expection, I gradually began to comprehend what was happening around me by observation.  Democracy is an intuitive principle people live by, although the way the government is run does not always solve problems.  Diversity in all aspects is celebrated with year-round festivals and parades, which usually involve food, entertainment, games and sometimes naked guys.  Running is a powerful sport capable of curing most deadly diseases.  Assessibility to public facilities and services is very important, as the lack of it would quickly create a million-dollar lawsuit.  Ethnic and regional cuisines from all parts of the planet can be found at any street corner.  Sitcoms inserted with laugh tracks and beep sounds to cover swear words are very fun to watch because of their witty lines and how easily you can relate to a character or a situation in real life.  Social connection works the same way as in China and kissing your boss' a** takes your career farther than hard work.

None of these could shock me.  It is just how it is.  Being a new member to this world,  I had no power to change it.  But it certainly had changed me. 

Now years have gone by, the self-portrait I brought with me from China slowly turned  from a sketch to a vibrant image drawn with paints of different colors spread on a palette called "life", still half finished.  Even though I can't tell which stroke is more important than the other on here, every stroke undeniably alters the picture, for better or worse. 

What would I be like if had I stayed in China?  What would I become if I moved back to China?  This life-changing event keeps me wondering how things would have been different otherwise and what  would happen had I decided to change course again. 

But there's one thing I know for sure:  my home and beacon is where this lovely family is now, and what I must follow no matter how far I go. 

Unless you stay in your birth place the whole life, you would have a similar story like mine about how the places you've lived in have changed your life, one way or the other.  For some people, these changes could be  so dramatic that they become the root cause of identity crisis. 

This past Saturday we went to Fishermen's Wharf to see the Blue Angles flight demonstration for the annual Fleet Week.  As I stood under the blazing sun with my hat off listening to 《The Star-Spangled Banner》national anthem, I recalled the Oath of Allegiance I took at the naturalization ceremony.  Does the sentence "I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen", mean that I have lost the past dear to my heart and will forgo the love of that country I care deeply?  Does it also mean I have to declare myself as an American when people ask me where I am from? 

No.  Like I said, what was painted in my past couldn't be undone and will forever be part of who I am.  When people ask me where I am from, my immediate response would be  the place that my family currently resides.  Just as I am proud of my birthplace, I am also proud of this amazing city that I now call home.  In time of peace, I would cheer for both countries.  At war?  Come on, how practibe is it to fly back to China by myself leaving my family behind or go back with them?  I've taken an oath, therefore the best I can do would probably be hiding behind a sewing machine making uniforms (please, don't ask me about my dear husband and son). 

What it boils down to is that sometimes we have a choice in our lives, sometimes we don't. The kind of paints and tools given to us may not be to our liking, but we can decide where to draw a line, how much paint to apply, how long we wait to put on another layer, or what color and technique to use.  Pretty or not, this self-portrait we have been painting is what we leave behind to this world (besides money). 

Keep up the good work and make regular improvements.  This will be my goal for years to come, wherever I am. 

原创文章，请勿随便乱用哦。还有，不要笑我懒啦，自己翻译自己写的东西好像怪怪的。