Singing Snowberg
Chapter Four
Backlashes <6>
Chros©
“Tell me your past.” I want to know his real life before me. “What do you want to hear?” “Your love story. If you don’t have one I....” “I do have.” He starts it with a deep breath:
I’ve never chased girls, I’ve chased boys, just never met one who likes me. I met this guy, he’s a little fat, but I couldn’t stop putting my attention on him. We were partners in a volunteering group, don’t know why and when my lovebird started to fledge, I developed a strange mechanism for him. I cared about anything he cared and anything about him, tried to get rid of it but it’s impossible. Every night I thought about him, every day was about him. He left a scar in me. I never imagined a human body, my body could be designed like this, I hated myself. Until one day I read Darwin’s book I realised that the unfitted are doomed to be screened off and left to the death, unless I develop myself to fit into this world. Everyday I could sense his existence in this world, I could sense his love for me but it was never the kind that I wanted. How could I fit into this world with him in it….
I know the “mechanism” is his source of pain. It’s true that everyone has his mechanism designed and inlaid into the body, some was designed to be loyal, some profligate, some noble, some unconventional. But should we learn to hate our special instinct? I was about to tell him, “the man doesn’t love you doesn’t deserve your love.” But how could I agree with this? So I told him what Sunder told me, “Salix, forgetting is the most despicable nature of human.”
It’s not right to take it for granted that love is a mutual thing, from the start where our heart is, love should be purely pure, who dare say you can’t love because it’s not worth it? Yet love transcends time and space, dream and reality, that’s why no one understands its whole appearance. What Salix has might be a tiny perspective of it, what I have might be of a more obscure part. If what I want from love are desire and its little flank sides, perhaps Salix wants company, just enough to warm him. Because he never seen the possibilities love could offer, he wouldn’t want too complicated and too much. Anyway, we’re too small and narrow to see. In this case, love is time and space, dream and reality.
His sorrow fades into the slumber, sleep tight Salix. A human heart could be extremely fragile when the holder thinks he got the intimacy. We spend the cryings freely upon the receiving sides, this thing makes sense to me, we’re children under spell of love. Even it’s difficult to understand, we should at least try to feel it, to witness. He should see more magic. I’ll definitely take him to the frost forest.
Sunder and I are still walking towards that moor, which becomes more familiar to me. “What are you thinking?” “I might have been here.” “Yes. Rosa is underground, we’re walking to the entrance.”
“It might be different from last time.” “I don’t want to go over it again.” “It’s okay. You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she shrinks a little because of the temperature, “things change, people change, recollections change.” “Then let’s go, let’s see another possibility.”
Sunder stays at the entrance, she’s not coming. “Why not.” “There’re places where sunshine can’t reach.” Now I understand her, she’s a poet after all, a woman restricted by her own phrases. Along the steps down into the deposit, I feel good because everything feels super real, they’re strengthening my anticipation.
There’s a figure sits behind the counter, “Cyano, you finally come.” He’s Salix. We hug into each other, it’s a long time since I last saw him in the dreams.
“Are you real? Where have you been? I thought you were killed!” “I’m always here.” He knocks my head. “Where’s Morph?” He shakes his head, “if you don’t know, I don’t know.” “She’s alive if you’re alive.” “Cyano forget it, take the scan.” What? Alright I’ll do the procedure. Something’s not right, when the blue light flashes through my retina I remember it all. It’s the last time I was here, but not the “last time” I thought it is.
Salix and I are standing by the sign. “Are you sure it’s worthy coming this long way?” “Let’s see.” I lead the way down into the underground. Nothing is different from last time, but I’m sure we’re going to have a different conversation this time.
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