Singing Snowberg
Chapter Four
Backlashes <2>
Chros©
I can’t see shine in his eyes, all I see is mist, grey mist. “I love you,” he starts to lick my left ear. We’ll see about that. I have to ask, “what’s your last time?” “I never did.” Impossible. He closes his eyes and says, “I don’t have money, I barely have nothing, no one loves me.” You have a body, you have a heart! He’s confessing himself to me, “but I think you like me.” He talks like a baby, suddenly sobbing on my shoulder. “It’s okay Salix, I’m here.”
The intimacy is a magic, sex is magic. He can’t tell the difference, so... “Cyano, are you sure you understand the difference? Why did you choose him? Because he’s my image in this reality. Have you ever wondered why did you choose me? Because you could see we’re the same. We’re failures and we have nothing to brag about. But you see him, this Salix, he doesn’t need your pity, when you gradually get to know him you’ll find you both are pitiful.”
I was looking for my kind, now I’ve found it.
The way back to that day is the journey that I trace back in ease. When I ate alone on the Frost Forest station corridor floor, I remembered why I couldn’t see Devo the last time I was there in the forest, it’s equal to have predicted the future, that I knew Salix would be away for sometime. It started from that first fork, we walked in silence, only sometimes the sounds of the snow falling from the trees reminded us that we were not just ourselves. I flicked some old snow from the handrails, they fell in silence.
“Salix, I need some space.” He didn’t say a word, left without trace. Something was walking in the far end of the forest where was my farthest vision. I remembered that afternoon talk with my mum.
“There are two kinds of people in this world,” she was coiling her hair behind, “some live for love, some live for life.” How touching, but in my view, they all live under desire. She said again, “you could live your life out of the track, the third way: refrain your instincts, like, kissing a flower.” She paused a little, wasn’t ready for my opinion, “But remember, for the ones who live for love don't always end well, they may wander around for a place to settle while there’s no such place for them, they may know it doesn’t exist but still are looking for it, they may know it takes lifelong to search but just won’t give up.” But how about the second kind?
“To live is simple, they don’t have to reach out, anything could be made up like fast noodles. They’re luckier than the first kind.” Why?
She turned to the mirror again, putting on her earrings, “I’m not telling you the options, or teaching you how to choose. Most things were predestined, including us.” So what’s left is, to accept how they are.
My mum is a great teacher about this world, she told me “All people need warmth, after all” many years ahead even before I could understand it. She told me: the things we experienced made what we are, there’re no specialities carried with us when we were born, nothing more.
This universe is somehow cruel, she always made me mad, but I didn’t know how to express my feelings to her. Suppose she thought I’d absorbed them.
“It doesn’t even about we accept or not, in many circumstances it’s about to witness.” She doesn’t know to accept is to succumb, she thinks she behaved nobly so far, but for me she’s humble. I can’t love her, I’m too young to accept failures, or merely to witness the realities.
I saw that blue deer was transforming into Salix, he should get back to me right now. “You’re cold, let me warm you up.” “You’re an illusion, Salix.” “Don’t you feel it?” “I have to accept it.” “Don’t cry Cyano. You see that mountain, it’s magical magnificent!” “It’s just a rock.” “What’s the difference between illusion and rock?” “True and false.” “Which is true? Touch me. Am I real?” “Yes... no....” “Better? It’s freezing cold, let’s take a walk.”
The artificial sunlight in his room is weak, I don’t know how long I was here, but his tears on my shoulder hasn’t dried yet. It’s 10 o’clock in the evening. “I’m going, got work to do.” “But....” “Em-hum?” “Can you stay?” “I will stay.”
My mum was right, everyone needs warmth. The time we’re on our own was never meaningful when we think back, but the time we had companies were not as meaningful as we think. The time when I’m looking at someone I like, for me it’s filling with thousands thoughts, but indeed I’m waste my time on him.
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